direction-less

Although i knew, yet in a way I didnt know how much and how deep is mum etched within me...

I marvelled sometimes how I can carry on so normally in the course of my duty. But that is only at school....


My life has come to a standstill..... yet I keep moving, because I have to...

How long will this pain last?



John Denver put it so aptly... perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflicts, full of pain....


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Yesterday, news of Joshua, Emilia's grandmother, and Mr Moo passing came.....more deaths....




Painful to hear.... I know more people aregrieving..... like me....



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J2 has asked me over for dinner for some time. finally did so last nite and asked sk over too. T1 and T2 are really cute.... very cute....nice of J2 to ask me to come and get distracted.... actually she has been very thoughtful, tho she may not appear to be so.... i guess she appreciated the fact that i stood by her when she had T1 before she was married... and becos they were not too well off then, tho I didnt like family 'gatherings', i made it a point to go to her place whenever she asked, and brought mum along....



yes, i remembered mum when i saw the boys... and mum loved the look of T1...she would have been happy to see them running around.....



i thot maybe i shd spend more time with them.... but there is a deep fear of loving and losing....

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kuech has been bugging me abt taking lunch with her and mag.... gave her a tentative date which is 2day, but tried to wriggle out with excuses...but she insisted, and persisted...in the end i gave in and met her and mag for long lunch. talk mostly of ednal stuff, since mag and I are teaching and both of them have 4 school-going kids.... practically i know kuech since i was 7, and mag since 13.... so it dates really back....



Kuech was quite taken aback that i did nothing to clear mum's stuff. HC also asked me today.... i dont know why they are surprised.... am i suppose to? I cant take it. Thats the truth. I cant face it... I dont know if it is wise to delay... but i have no goal, no direction....



for those hours i was distracted..... then back home....to solitude.... there is plenty of work....but i am tired of working..... and actually my headaches are getting very bad.... it is almost impossible to work on.....



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I need to find another point to determine my direction vector for the path ahead.... there are so many points....



wisdom from past experience teaches one that in such a state, just stay where u are, as u are.... life teaches that it is not true what is shown in the movies, that one can leave and start anew.... the past and pain remain within....



ssh, u cant go on like that! u must pick up!



but i need a long rest.... i wish i can rest and wake up without that pain....



i remembered those painful years in 2000-2005.... i dont have another 6 years to hibernate in grief.... i withdrew then into seclusion....read, write, knit, learn music, drew.... all in solitude... and never dreamt I could make a comeback to the teaching scene....



if i withdraw again, i wont have the energy to comeback again....



i need to find direction.... but probably not now.....

kyc said she will not write sad things so as not to affect those who read....i really want to do the same... but sorry, i really have no strength to... that i can carry on my duties is really the mercies and grace of God... as i had written before....

Dont expect grief to be momentary....if it can go away like that....it cant be grief....and if it can go away like that....then where is the depth of humanity?

I believe in restraint, alot of restraint.... but writing is my vent, it is the expression of my soul... let me have this space for sorrow to trickle from the depth within....