End September 2012

this serves more as a record than a reflection.

it has not been an easy month. not because of events that happened.

i should have anticipated, but i didnt.....the floodgates crashed at the end of the last assignment...i put in alot of heart and effort in that.....without any reserve energy, the inner defence collapsed at the slightest pressure......

....bewildered, the floods swept one into deep crests of rough waves.....

past, present, future, mingled in futility....and one looked around, but there was none to hold on to....

the advantage of experience is, one knows one cant fight against turbulence. at such time, its best to keep still and wait for the storm to pass.

And silence and aloneness is best.  

will there be a closure to the past?

i have no answer.
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and whatever the storm, the present still goes on....

and of the present...

well, one sees....

the gross misalignment in expectations and reality;
the stark contrast of words and actions;
the clear polarity between callousness and sincerity. 

And one learns. That time is a needed factor to know another. 日久见人心 is true.Very true.

there are many many ways one can react. at the receiving end,one cant help the weighing down of  spirit and deep sadness. How one choose to respond depends on what standards one set for oneself,  known or unknown to others. Ultimately, we live with our own conscience. 

Whether one lives by one's conscience, is totally another matter. Words are cheap. Very cheap. I have known that all my life.

i choose to keep by my word. and i choose to believe in what i believe. i did waver. i did weigh the cost, even at midstream. especially over the past weeks.....and i decide to choose to place this last lap as my first priority.

its a choice. a deliberated, and deliberate choice. i will need the stamina, strength and focus to do so. its probably going to be one of the toughest challenge, but until one gives fully, one cant tell the outcome. i am a firm believer that foundation is critical, and over the year, the ploughing had been done. One reaps what one sows. Hard work will never fail. yes, i still believe in this. 

Whatever my hopes and expectations, outcome is a reality that one has to see. And which others only see and want to see. Outcomes. Not the process. I would wish for positive outcome. But more than that, what i value is the process, and that which has been kindled within, not seen.

it is going to be very costly to me. the impact of this intensity will hit me very hard at the end. just as it hit me in august. i suppose, at least, this time, i realised where the weak link is, and can brace myself for it. hopefully, the floodgates will hold up better at end oct.  

honestly, i will miss the kids. very very much. it has been literally a day and night effort. i hope, really hope,  it will make a difference to some of them. that this year will be a justified year.

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thankfully, dissertation has taken a positive start. i regret that i have not the time to work at it as i should,  but i hope somehow, somehow, i will pick up momentum. Once i fulfil my responsibility to the kids which was what i had set my heart to do for this year, it will take immense effort to complete it in 3 months. the odds are not with me, but well....we will see....

and after that.... i dont know....wait and see.

and yes, friday nite, managed to get to airport in time to see gerlynn off....seriously, almost half that batch of kids were there....it was nice to see them....buti have to admit, i felt desolate and estranged within. the gulf will widen with time....both ways.....

thus ends september 2012....a pensive mood....

Gerlynn Yap

I thought of writing this post on the day she leaves....but it would be quite tragic, if she cries reading this, and she is in a foreign land. Not that I ever see her cry, but since she says she cries easily, I thought, what difference does it make, writing now, or later.

I owe Gerlynn this post. Without Gerlynn, this blog would never be in existence. And I have to admit, I often wonder, if Gerlynn wasnt in the class, would 303/403 take on to me that well? I suspect they got on with me, more because she was nice, and the kids she were with were nice. She was the factor that got everyone together. I suspect she and a couple of others are usually the ones that initiate all the nice things for teachers. I guess, guys, being guys, well.... the thought is there...but some things are too much trouble. But she is one of those that pass on the enthusiasm and get people to do things....

Honestly, I guess Gerlynn wasnt my idea of 'model' student at the start. So there is no issue of favoritism. Honestly, I did very little for Gerlynn, and i wish i did more....

I remembered the very first time, I met a group of them, I think, 22 December 2007? or somewhere near that date, when there was matriculation..... so many of  them seemed to be student leaders! And they all looked and  giggled alike....

The next time was orientation. And urm....she was quite noisy.... And i kind of wondered...hmmm....childish? Then I remembered also, that at first i was not supposed to be 303 math teacher. It should have been Mr Yee. But he felt since I was the mentor, it is better that I teach the class, and offered to swap class. Actually, i declined, but he went to make the request, and then I remembered the look of disappointment on quite a few faces. And I felt really bad. So that wasnt a good start.

And i guess i expected some standard, so there was run-in with quite a few...., but the girls were never a problem where discipline was concerned.

Frankly, I dont remember talking with Gerlynn at all. She is a girl that is always cheerful and independent. The kids were just always so happy and liked anybody. I remembered some teachers said you should be very happy that your class greets you so loudly every time you go to class. Apparently it could be heard far off....That was when I realised, ya, 303 is very sweet to me. .. actually, i was just lucky to take that class.

I only got to know her, and the rest better because i needed them to help me with nmos stuff. I always believe in training kids to do things responsibly. But these kids were really fantatstic. That was when I realised how strong in team work, and how efficient she was, thorough and careful. That was the start of a good working relationship. She is a super worker and absolutely trustworthy. Most commendable of all, is , she never complains, and never seeks for praise or glory. When she goes the extra mile, she just did it as a matter of course. No issue.

Seriously, many teachers envied me for having such a super group of student helpers that really 'toiled' with me over nmos for three years, speech day for 3 years, and graduation ceremony for 2 years. I was so proud of having such a group of efficient, mature, "definitely deliver" little kids! Of course, its not just Gerlynn...the guys were really wonderful....but i guess, sometimes i wonder, if gerlynn didnt start mobilising at the start....would they get 'addicted' to helping out? i can see the boys protesting.....whatever... you all were super fantastic!

Honestly, the first 2 years in nushs werent easy years for a variety of reasons, many of which, had nothing to do with the school. I had alot to grapple with within myself, to return to teaching...reminded me of alot of things in the past.
But, the best thing coming to nushs was to come across this group of kids.

I think I knew Gerlynn more through her blog. What I admire most about her, is, her warmth and genuine-ness with her family. I particularly like her helping her po-po with cooking and baking. Seriously, how many kids do that these days? And also helping out with ironing for her family. Very very commendable.But she is a very lucky girl, very very enviable, that she should have such a happy family, and a big extended one that is close-knitted. I think she has wonderful parents, that makes her what she is.

I am glad for her, that she got the scholarship to go to Imperial College. It is really a rare opportunity and the chances are so slim for a teaching scholarship. It does tug at my heart, that she is flying off soon.... And I did try to reschedule today to join the lunch, but....

the kids have grown up, and half the girls are gone (would be gone). Actually, i knew the gathering in june would probably be one of the last time that so many, 19 out of 23 got together....whether there would be such a gathering again, is not important. The important thing is, we have been together for more than 4 years, and that is a lovely time. Though as an adult, i do not share your crazy escapades, but as one that watch and trace your pathways, i share your joys and tears...your hopes and disappointments....

To Gerlynn, I have no doubt that whereever you go, you will be a blessing to others. I have no doubt that you will keep all your friendships and you will make new friends, and will give others joy and warmth the way you have always given others. And I have no doubt that you will do well in all that you put your heart to do.

And like all her friends, I also wish that things work out very well for you, and particularly for you and Ivan. I think, if both of you can ride the roller-coaster of life, and make it together, the joy will be exponentially felt by many many many many people in time to come. I am sure, all of us wish it for both of you.

So, as you embark on a new phase, Dont cry. Dont worry. Be excited. You will be fine. You will do well. You will make us all proud. And Take very good care. And dont take risks.

Words are not adequate to say it all. But i think it suffices for now.

Dear Gerlynn, thank you very much. For being you.

two new phrases

doing a little reading before bed...picked up two new phrases worth remembering:

value congruence/incongruence: succinct phrase, i like this.

competency boundaries: unacknowledged incompetencies is research malpractice...hmmmm....need to take note of this.

使命感

A few weeks ago, communicating with 2 students from 2 totally different contexts, I was struck by the similar line of thought and aspiration. One of them, being more adept in chinese, aptly put it across as 使命感 ~ sense of mission. That is her aspiration, a sense of purpose to achieve something more for the community. And she saw that in uniform group career. This is a student still in Secondary school. Her enthusiasm is really refreshing, all the more so, because she is not local born, but already has such a sense of community to the country she has spent her last 8-10 years in.

The other student, reaching the end of the school stage, though not explicit in her pursuit, showed her inclination through her consideration of scholarship applications, also in the uniformed career groups. A highly able student, I asked her why she did not consider medicine. Her reply was striking. She has seen many who clamoured to go into medical without the true care for others, and feeling she may lacked the same care, she did not want to be amongst them. Ironic, I thought. Precisely because of her consideration, she may well be a more compassionate person and doctor. Thankfully, she was open to advice to widen her scope of options and engage in internships including at hospitals to better guage her suitability.

At about the same time, I was struck with a hk drama, '36 hour on call' depicting situations in the medical profession. It is the realism of the personnel that impacted me. Through the conversations, they reflected the different reasons why they chose to study medicine. Some, a childhood ambition; some to fulfil parents wishes; some, for' fun'; some, because of recognition and pay. A few, because they wanted to fulfil the medical profession, to care and save lives. I thought really this is an instance where drama do capture a true depiction.

It made me think quite abit about this 使命感  ~ sense of mission. Not all have this sense. What makes the difference?

I pointed out to both students, that whilst good to consider uniform careers, they must be clear of the direction. Are they influenced by family members/friends in the line or by mass media portrayal of the career? In every profession, there is a place for those with this sense of mission. I can see that in the medical, legal, education, research, journalism, uniform groups and even public administration field. In every field, there will  always be those that attain to the highest level, by their capability and drive to achieve, not by a sense of mission and those who has this passion and commitment for the vocation.

There is a distinct difference between having a sense of mission and a sense of achievement. The former wanting to accomplish something with their belief that it would impact a community, and seeing the good, is usually one of the intrinsic reward that makes one feels worthwhile. It comes from ideals. Ability or its lack is not the issue here. It is a inner seeking for a noble object. I wont use the word drive, because it is not really a drive, which is rather compulsive. It is ~ a sense of mission ~ i cant think of a better word, 使命感 , and this can be more powerful than having a drive. I have to add however, that lack of ability, however strong the feeling sense of mission, is a binding factor.

Those propelled by a sense of achievement may achieve a positive impact for community by their strive for excellence, attainment and success. The combination of achievement and a sense of mission would be ideal.

However drive for achievement (seemingly communal) without a true sense of mission can be catastrophic especially for the 'community' that the person is situated.  Their compulsive drive to get results, sometimes at any cost, is a hallmark. And strangely, this can usually be identified by their little regard of those lesser than them and those of no/low value to their object. Even when good does come out from their pursuits, somehow, that is different from a sense of mission.

Those with a sense of mission, but do not have the opportunity to attain to it or face huge structural obstacles, usually end up demotivated and discouraged, even if they have high ability. Actually this may well be the cause of many underachievers, who disdain achieving for achieving sake. They lose motivation when they lose their inward sense of direction and mission, and with the myriads of distraction, their contribution may be thereby minimised or lost. Which is a pity. Regaining their sense of direction and purpose is key to their lives.

Whatever. This is a mere observation of interactions of characters in life. And one use observations as a form of inner mirror, to reflect, who one is.

As a caveat, this is not a dichotomous division and often times, youthful stage is not the stage whereby one can really know who one is, and what one intends. One shrewd observer once said to me, (when i had voiced hope to see change in people), past thirty, you see the character of the person, and that is unlikely to change unless there is a catastrophe in his/her life. So, there is no need to be overly introspective especially for those young. Its just for some, it surfaces earlier and more apparent than others.

Youth is a formative period, but it is always good to reflect and hopefully, there will be more societal and humanistic regard as one grows.

I must say, however, it is always good to see the young, idealistic and having a sense of mission.

return....

Relatively speaking, this has been one of the longer pause .... given time, the gaps may be filled.......it was a needed hiatus.
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for a start, nothing 'personal' per se.... just some thoughts on 2 'intended' changes announced...

first is education-related. the news that banding and academic awards will be removed. It resonates well with one of my earlier post, "Real Winners do not compete", so that was a 'happy' news. Actually, the banding is not as detrimental as the chase of awards, so it was more the latter that i am glad to see.

No need to say more about it, since, a step in the right direction has been taken. But, it is only a step.

As i have written elsewhere, systems is a convenient scapegoat for one's action and pursuit. When ranking was first introduced, I was in a school whose principal disdain such measures. She stood her ground, the school still did well. She never talked about 'msg', so no one talked about it either. Every assembly session were anecdotes that cause one to reflect and learn more about life. That was ranking at its peak. But I didnt feel the impact. That is true leadership.

The issue lies alot with people who conveniently use 'system' as a masquerade of what is within themselves.

Nevertheless, i appreciate the move. I hope the next would be the  removal of  'ranking' of teachers, and kpis.

Setting goals is always good and necessary. But to link it with 'ranking' and 'performance bonus' and 'promotion', it is degrading. When one talks about values, it is not measured materially. When one wants to be 'paid according to one's worth in ability/performance' , then i wonder if such should be an educator in the full sense of the word. Its like a doctor being judged by how many patients he sees, and how many get well.

But, if such incentives are being removed, then i suspect there would be many vacancies in many high places in education institutions. This is probably one 'sacred cow' that will not be removed. Well, hopefully, a more perceptive approach that will encourage young educators with a true heart.

In writing this, i thought of the person i spoke to yesterday, truly an exemplar educator...... will come back to this another time....

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the second, seemingly trivial, is the returning of trays at food centre. i admit i was one of those who opposed to this when it was introducted at the food centre near my place, probably in 2004.

why? i was very very unhappy then. I remembered mum wondering if we should return our trays,  and i said i cant be bothered. When one constantly faced the harshness of life, battered and hassled at all sides, some small things can seem like the last straw.

i hate dirty tables, and hate to clean up after someone else's mess at food centres. Having got to look after people practically my whole life, i was always queing up and serving others, always saying, its ok, even when it is not....i was tired, very tired. With self-service at food centres, i had to carry the food, for mum and i. Whether i was unwell, whether my hands were unsteady, i had to hide that. I always had to say, no problem, when sometimes there were problems. And some of the hawkers can be very rude, and likewise those clearing the trays. I was just plain fed-up. And didnt want to do anything more than what i really need to. One more thing, is one thing too much. i would have to be the one doing the clearing. i was too tired.  I rather not eat at food centres then. so, well, i didnt cooperate.

In schools, yes, we always returned back utensils. But everyone does that, and there was little mess, as there was order.

Over the last few years, i went more often for meals at nus and at ntu, that it began to dawn upon me that if tertiary institute canteens have that habit, why not food centres? i also genuinely pitied some of the workers and felt bad about my lack of graciousness in the past, and really want to do my part. But i wouldnt know where to return the trays to. I can be quite clumsy. 

The nigger about this became greater with the foreigners debate. Not that i wished to be inundated with a great proportion of non-natives, but i also detest all the 'bullying'  and caustic remarks especially online, about foreign workers etc. Our foreparents were also such migrants.

so, yes, the re-introduction of encouraging patrons to return trays at food centres is good news to me. i am glad i can do my part now.  I guess its strange that this should even be written in a post. It is trivial.

True. Its a very small matter, but tiny as it is, it is a gesture of humanity. And humanity shown   ~  to one and all, in this short space, called time.....is not trivial to me.

hiatus

to those kids that visited, thank u very much....

to those who took time to send thoughtful wishes and notes, thank u very much....

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Hiatus is needful for the soul.........

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