Present/Next Generation

Should be doing my assignment and not writing here....

just saw news at channel news asia wrt GE. I am not into politics. But I have always cared who is the government. When I was in P5, there was an election. At that time there was only black and white tv, and that was the only event that had live report. As most of the count was manual, the results were released constituency by constituency. I followed till 5am. Mum and Dad was not in Singapore then. The result was a clean sweep, and I was glad.

At that age, I followed the newspaper avidly, maybe because there was no other distractions. But most of all, I knew we need security in the nation.

That year, my father's business was wiped out by outbreak of foot and mouth disease. It was the beginning of financial hardship, together with the existing abnormalities in the family. I was far from apathetic. Survival was a real issue. My classmates were almost all well to do. That made no difference to me. I knew one has to work hard for one's livelihood. Except I didnt want to work after O levels. I wanted to study. And in Singapore, you are given the opportunity to do so, if you are determine and able. The government believed in it. And most thankfully, my parents also believed in it. I am very grateful for it because I was the only one in my family that wanted to go further. I knew I was needed to work to support the family. To work was the norm. I gave tuition to do that duty.

This generation has far too much. I get mad with kids that dont value the kind of support they are given so that they can move on in life.

Action is really better than words. We really have alot. You walk out in the night, and there are street lamps all over. There are greeneries so much taken for granted. There is safety. There is security. There isnt beggars on the streets. And opportunities abound. People dont realise so much is possible because we owe it to a generation of leaders that had foresight.

Yes, there are mistakes. I have suffered from many of them. There were policies that I detested from the start, really really detested. But weighed in the balance, I know nation building is like family building. It takes a lifetime. And people must be positive and constructive. And like it or not, there must be true capacity to serve, and real ability.

I dread it sometimes that what I have seen take a lifetime to build, I may also see the loss and ruin in my latter days. That is why I find there is such an urgency to teach. To teach the next generation to help themselves; to have values; to serve and build. I dont have the capacity to do 'great' things. But i have the capacity to do little things.

It is easy to comment on things on face value. I hate bickering of words, sometimes really senseless, infantile, almost inbecile. I hope the next 9 days will be over soon. And I hope, I really hope for a safe and secure nation. I hate it that in some ways, my 'fate' should be dependent on the millions of voters.

Yet I also know, that if it is not so, so-called 'leaders' will not listen. How often I see people put into positions of 'leading', think they 'own' what they are given to lead. Brutish, and brusque management. Mismanagement, I mean, but well disguised by results and kpi. Rare are true leaders worth the name and salt.

So voting gives people the voice needed and leaders realised they must listen.....because people gave them that mandate.... Is that the wisest system? I dont know. I only know, in my lifetime, I dont want to see the deterioration of this nation. It matters to me. National Day matters to me. This is really my country. This is my land. When I stayed up that night for the elections result as a child, I felt that. And that remains rooted within me.

And I hope, I really hope, that our future will be secured by sound and sober judgement the next few days.

To the present generation and the next to come, dont be apathetic. You need to shoulder the responsibility of nation building when you become the able man and woman that you are. And I hope among my students, will be true leader worth the salt.

Two sentiments...

Had a terrific migraine today. Was abit slow with medication, so it reached a pounding state by the afternoon. Settled it with painkiller at 3 hour intervals thrice. Had not had such a bad one for some time. I guess its sleep (lack of) and tension.
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Shall write the negative sentiment first. Finally completed most tests except for the last exam, and one more assignment. I know I dont work hard enough to do well, but I guess it never feels good not to be in the A category. I tend to diverge, think of different aspects, than to focus on remembering facts. If I was not math-trained, I think it would be worse. I like reading and reading, diverging, then bring the matter to a converging point, even if it is a point of controversy...............................

But that is not what is wanted in academic studies........ So I guess hovering at the tip of B, and not quite reaching an A, is really quite disheartening. Yet the truth is, I never want an A bad enough to study or work for it.....
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I want that for my students though, and want that quite badly..... sigh... the contradictions of life.............................

i guess, i dont want them to be a non-achiever like me......ya, i dont feel good at all..... and that 50% essay is still hanging like an albatross..... i hope i have the stamina to last out the next 2 nights to do a fair job out of it.

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Despite that pounding head, i enjoyed my teaching today. It was such a thrill to prove the compound angle formula to them , and to feel the kids (at least more than half?) following. When the last class I taught clapped at the end, I knew it is because they understood and appreciated the elegance and simplicity of the proof, I cant describe that sense of happiness............

I have proven this formula many many times, easily at least 10 batches of students, I must say despite the constrain of time, I had the most satisfaction this time round. Whilst I think the rapport with the kids help in the fluency and flow of the proof, it is really a great encouragement and consolation, to see their attentiveness and interest in following the procedure because they are really interested in learning math...............

That really made my day , and really it was a good end to the semester............I will seriously miss teaching and the specialness of this school when I leave..... I count myself very fortunate that I should have such a sense of satisfaction in teaching..... the special feeling of almost elation in the class, though momentary, is really relished..... not many has has this privilege and joy............

so despite my personal disappointment at my relatively non-ideal achievement (sigh, my trademark), the remembrance of the response of the kids more than make up for it! :D

Harmony

The first act of honouring the self is to have the assertion of our consciousness: the choice to think, to be aware, to send the searchlight of our consciousness outward toward the world and inward toward our own being. To default on this is to default on self at the most basic level. To honour the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgments. (Brandon, 1983) ================================================================== I cannot expressed the feeling of 'harmony' to find understanding in the conflicts within from a child. My first memory of a kid, is thinking. But I was always clumsy, and always sensitive and crying. So I was scolded, caned, pinched, and have towel stuffed in my mouth when i cry. It was very often. Unbelieveble. But true. I learnt not to cry and to take punishments as stoically as I could. Things were better when i went to secondary school. Punishment was more sporadic, but it took on a different nature as alcoholism and depression set in for mum ................................................................................................................................... But I kept thinking. I couldnt stop. In primary school, I talked and talked, read and read. But I cant say anyone understood me, except a perceptive teacher, Ms Daisy Wee. I regret I never thanked her for what she did for me, much more than I realised then. I dare not find out if she is still alive. I should have, though I did send her many cards as a student. In secondary school, introversion set in. I had 2 other perceptive teachers, Ms Maureen Khoo and Ms Ong KH............ ............................................................................................................. But I was always told I was idealistic. Life is not like that. A problem child. And an underachiever. Home accounted for all the constant unheavals and instability. ============================================================= But I needed answers to my relentless questions to life. My search led to religion. Which fueled further conflicts homefront. And I searched deep. But faith was far deeper. I will not dwell on the unhappy stretch of 20 years by the way men manipulated religion. I understand why many of the kids are put off. I refrained further comments........................... But I learnt man by wisdom knew not God. In the Scriptures and in the Lord, I found my life. Literally. It would have been impossible to live on without the knowledge of the truth. I would gladly be a fool that I may receive the truth of the gospel. ================================================================== But in the course of the world, and within myself, I cant come to terms with the constant conflicts with many outward matters. I always feel the problem is me......................................... ................... As at this moment, I feel at peace. For once, i realised the problem isnt me. Nor is it the turbulence of home though it did cause alot of upheavals. The reason for the 'disharmony' with the outward causes is because I just have the capacity to think independently, to have the courage of my own perception and judgment and not conform. I finally found a kind of answer to the restlessness within. I finally can accept myself realising that I am not alone. And it need not depend on how others perceive or accept me. That is harmony.

More Reading and More Thoughts....

I admit that more than trying to understand my kids through this course that I am taking, I am really trying to trace my childhood pathway. I love my school days. Without school, I think life would have been totally miserable for me. That was the window to a world out of darkness at home as a child. ................................................................................................................ ========================================================= But to be honest, I didnt fit into school either, and got into endless trouble. The context of the west and our asian context differs widely, much more so in my school days. Even then, I was 'lucky' because being in a convent school, there was alot more understanding and socio-emotional support, though it was not explicit. .......................................................................... There is alot more empathy of the child in the researches and studies in US and Europe, in particular the gifted and talented child. I know there is alot of taboo and misconception about giftedness, and is often seen negatively. Gifted and high achievers are not synonomous. In our local context, they are. ....................................................... ============================================== The emotional intensity and heightened sense of awareness, perceptions and thoughts to outward circumstances are not 'abnormal' to a child whose intellect is above his/her peers. And it is awfully painful to feel deeply, and not be understood. Unless you feel it, you wont understand. You would think the abnormality is in yourself. I couldnt believe that there are so many articles that document the phases that one had gone through in childhood and adolescent, yet even to me, these articles are new. .......................................................................................... ===================================================== Yesterday, whilst lunching with 2 colleagues, one described me as being 'passionate' about my students; that I 'set target' to reach to them. Seriously, i didnt agree with either. I dont see myself as being 'passionate' nor did i conciously set target about my kids. I only know I dont want them to be hurt like I had been; or left out as I had been. I merely reacted and reached out to kids 'positively' because of my own experience. .............................................................................................................................. Had understanding and empathy been shown to me, would my life had been different? Would I have taken paths that had brought so much unhappiness? I dont know. There will never be an answer, though actually it would be unlikely. Since home is still the most critical factor of a child. Except maybe had i the understanding, I would have realised that the root of my constant emotional turmoil are innate, not mysterious.............................................. ...................................Not that there is anything to regret. The past is over. And I have alot alot more than alot of people. Above all, the Lord's mercies endureth forever. ================================================================= There is really a time for everything. Whilst I found it somewhat ironic that I should understand so much more of the many facets of education that had been there for so long, and so late in my life and teaching, it would be that this should be the right time for a reception....whether it would lead to more fruition in education remains to be seen........ ====================================================== I am not a noble educator. I admit the driving force when I teach is I see myself in each child, and responded to them just as I had wished someone had done it for me....................this course compels me to look indepth within myself.............

leadership...

was commenting some issues with sk yesterday. my final conclusion is, overall, if a team is weak, there is little a leader can do........ surprisingly, sk disagreed strongly. she said she has seen it at her workplace (she worked there for 30 years!). how good leaders when thrown to take charge of a 'louzy' team, could listen and motivate each to rise to his best and turn round to profit. Thats what leadership is about, she says. ...........that is what team spirit is about.... if u are a true team player, u understand that..... sk is far from being an intellect or an academic. But she has survived 8 retrenchments and is prob the longest serving staff in her organisation. Given the nature of her organisation, she has definitely seen very strong corporate leadership. This is the talk of experience. I listened. I believe her. Unfortunately, how rare are such leaders. How rare in itself are true listeners...listening with reflection....

today...

"And in the end, it is not the years in your life that counts, but the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln. True. ==================================================================== I have to admit, I no longer like to live under pressure. In the past, there is a certain kind of thrill, to meet deadlines, to be stretched and go beyond what is possible. Now, I long for placidity. But that does not equate to mediocracy. I still dislike mediocre efforts. I can take weakness ie not doing as well as one should due to oversights, blindspots etc. But mediocre means cant be bothered to put in effort; slipshod. That is different. =================================================================== I also realise I will remain what I am. I was never one that is quick at grabbing opportunities, and certainly not opportunistic. Unless, the purpose is really meaningful, I would always choose to be in the shadows. I turned down an opportunity, and withdrew from another possible opportunity....................... The first I turned down within minutes without much thought; was pressed to reconsider later, but without hesitation, kept to my decision........ What is meaningless is meaningless. Vain glory. ...............The other is a creative effort on my part, that i know is original. I would have like to have shared it with a wider audience. But to pursue it would require drive, confidence, determination, and well, showmanship. The effort is not worthwhile. To me. So I withdrew also. With a tinge of sadness. But only a tinge. ===================================== ============================== I guess being unwell is a reality call. I can remember mum and dad nagging me since young about my health. But what can i do if my constitution was never strong from birth? In fact, I am already quite tough and resilient considering how sickly I was from child, plus a lifetime of headaches. I remembered how often my energy could not keep up with my ideas or what i would have wished to do. ............................................................................................................................................. Given the report of turmoil in every continent, I value the peaceability here, whatever the many irritations and vexations.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ And when things went downhill by Wed nite, I told myself, I really need to come to a halt somewhere. I was really grateful for the 2 day mc, though I was back in school today. I missed both night lessons and was sorry about it. I like learning. But I really cant keep that momentum. It was a luxury yesterday to sleep practically 7-8 hours in the day and night. I dont feel superb, but at least I feel I am picking up and can manage again............................................................................................................................... Brownee also was sick with diarrhoea and vomitting through wed nite which really didnt help at all. Migraine was too bad for me to drive her to the vet, so thankfully, using common sense remedy, the symptoms have subsided. ...........................................Yes, april is still a bad month, and I am more behind than I want to. Have not even started on a critical assignment that will determine 70% of my score for one module. I am worried, but I still want to do my duty to my kids first. I want to take care of my cats first. And people will always matter to me more than my grades. I hadnt change. I guess all my life, I will be an underachiever. In a way, I mind. But considering my priorities, I dont mind. Put in the balance, it is all lighter than vanity ==================================================================== i get to read alot of interesting articles from my course. Some of the readings are really insightful, and the depth of analysis of the many paths of a child development is quite comforting as one identifies one's own pathway. Sometimes, one can almost feel one being the subject of description. And some of these articles were written in the 1960s- 1970s. It is consoling that there had been people who really cared about the stages of internal personal developments of different individuals. I may not agree with the theories, but the keen observations of conflicts of the growth of a person's personality are really perceptive. =================================================================== And today, I was glad I went to school. It is a joy to see the kids. It is a joy to see them learn (at least I imagine they are learning). I cherish the process especially because it should come to an end by year end. I am thankful this year, I really enjoy teaching the kids. ==================================================================== PS: I am having problem with spacing with this blogger...hence the dots and hyphens to separate paragraphs! will need help to settle these techinical issues!!!!

Entering April 2011...

Amount of work and frame of mind is inversely related.... as work piles, it is harder to keep positive. doesnt help when the battalion of germs seem to mount regular attack. it may be a victory to fight off an infection, but it requires quite a bit of pill-popping, alot of sleep, and energy, whilst work piles..... April is a bad month, both from work and from course. All deadlines are due. And my head is bad. The advantage of experience is one can account for the awfully low frame rationally, that it is physiologically induced; that it is a passing phase; that what goes down will come up; that one has always pulled through before. experience teaches one not to panic, face one task at one time, and systematically reduce it. but experience is also far more perceptive, and deduce that all seemingly accountable reasons merely conceal knots of inner issues that cannot be resolved. Some surfaced in dreams. Dreamt twice of mum and dad. Had another dream of a happy situation that will never be. But it was really happy whilst in the dream. Not a very good entrance into april. Except the conflict stirred in march has reached a definite conclusion. That i am finally relieved. At the moment. There are still moments to be faced to finalise the decision. Somehow, over the past weeks, i have weaved a net of estrangement. communicating but not communicating. Perhaps that was necessary to find direction. Perhaps that was necessary to insulate. Perhaps that is also necessary since things really got to change, whatever one may wish. Whatever. Must press on. April should end more positively, since i should have cleared the tons of deadlines, by no choice. Low post. Must look up. That we can still live peaceably despite the tumults of unrest worldwide is a favour and mercy not to be taken for granted. I am very disturbed by the unrest. Look up. The mercies of the Lord endureth forever.