artistry

one associates artistry with the clear realms where art is defined....

there is no intent to do an exposition of what it is, is not, what it is perceived to be or dissociated from.

I only know at the moment, after nearly four weeks of hiatus, i am compelled to get back into the agonising exercise of writing that which is really where my life has been rooted, i am in that conflict again....i cant see it as an academic exercise fulfilling the technical requirements....have been really running away, almost wishing i have never embarked on this journey.....and at the moment, i am merely at the brink of sinking or floating.....

for the moment, i will agonise on....knowing the great likelihood that it would be buried along with countless under in an overflowing database that serve only as the 'fulfilment' of a study.....

be it as it is, the inchoate is painfully wriggling for a laborious birth which i must somehow bring to some life....stillbirth would be tragic.

'I would argue that any practice at its best is an artistically crafted affair" Eisner

my momentary vent....

the clouds are clearing....

just a short post, to say, yes the clouds are clearing.

when calmness, serenity, a sense of peaceability prevailing, it is very good.

this trough was not as low, nor as long. I am very thankful. Especially for being able to sleep well.

Brownee's improvement has helped a lot too. With their birthday coming up, I am very grateful. My thanks to zh.

This is a reminder for me, to encourage myself.....however dark the night, the sun rises. And the clouds do clear.

Will not take liberties to go beyond circumference of strength. Within it, the Lord granting grace and strength, I will move forward. And what good I can, I will do.

The mercies of the Lord endureth forever.

Hope is a rainbow of thought

It had been abit rough the past week. The first bumpiness of the year... a little soon and quite rough for me inwardly....and always somehow not expected.  With each such episode, it does whittle away one's reserve. And it costs a lot more intangibly.

Nevertheless I am thankful for many past experiences that had steered one past obstacles, and which provides one with the assurance  that every storm will pass. Just keep still, and endure. I also realise how important it is to have been grounded and rooted on sound principles and values especially in nebulous reasonings and situations. It is always so much harder when one is on the sideline guiding, and hoping for safety and wisdom to prevail for others.

Above all, the unchangeability and immovableness of God. I dissociate 'religion' and present day organisations with personal faith and knowledge of the Lord and the truth of the gospel. I am ever grateful for the hope of the world to come, that alone gives one the endurance to continue till the day of redemption. Endurance is exceeding painful within.

"But the path of the just is as the shining light that shineth more and more unto the perfect day." Proverbs 4: 18.

Truly in the Lord put I my trust. He alone is faithful and his mercies endureth forever.

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Brownee is better these two days...actually she seemed a lot better. It had been  very trying to see her deteriorating and agitated. I was reluctant to bring her to a vet again. Apart from the extreme stress and distress to her, I know another steroid jab will do a lot of harm in the long run, a heavy price to pay for the short term 'good' .And I know skin issues are not resolved by chemical produced ways. Over two days, I had given her antihistamine that was prescribed, but only less than a third of the stipulated dosage. Somehow, it just doesn't feel right.

I don't know if its the adjustment of diet by observation, or the taking of a little of the tcm herbs which zh very kindly prescribed for me to try,(after the washing of herbs didn't have results and he felt antihistamine is not good) or the combination of both, she has significantly calmed down, and the scratching is now minimal and the skin recovering.

I am very very grateful. I maintain that it is not my intent to stretch life unnecessarily. But where alleviation helps, and by the path of nature, I will take it. Tiger and Brownee is the love of my life. I am very thankful that they both seem well now. I know it is the Lord that preserve man and beast. And I am very grateful for every natural path provided. Tcm is to me, far above technological and chemical remedies, and zh has been a good friend here.

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Be positive, ssh.

I am picking up again, and will move on.

Yes, I am now looking forward to start another phase of teaching. I hope, I hope, I can still teach well.

"Hope is a rainbow of thought.”
― Harley King

vacuum

It was not my intent to write a post within this period.....needed time to resolve some issues within.

Today is the day of seeing T1 and T2 and that has always been a pleasure. And with a good news earlier, it should have helped end the day on a more positive note. It was one of those rare occasions that I stayed on for dinner. Baby J was fretty and had been restless and crying.

Then B1 started to talk....of the past....my babyhood.....that I was always like that, crying....and how frightening it was to him, that I was thrown onto a mattress when I got into these fits....how mum was very impatient, and get into a fury ....etc.....that I was sent away to a nanny's place for more than a year. I did know there were missing bits in the 'stories' of my growth. I was finally brought back about two years old, and still one that cried far too often... and towels were be pushed into my mouth to stop me crying..... I had memories of that at later years when I cried or coughed.... I think those moments were traumatic to B1 as well...he had mentioned ( a few times by now....he had been relating stories after mum was gone) how his heart would beat very quickly, never sure whether what would happen when I got shut into the room to be dealt with.....he claimed to 'save' me when he could on a few occasions...... I didn't remember that... I only knew childhood was filled with fears and tears....frightened to be noticed....yet wishing for some kindness and love..... I vaguely remembered a domestic helper that was very kind to me, but had to leave, and I did remember crying and crying in desolation....I think that was 4 or 5. That was the only scene I remembered, her leaving, and wishing that I would find her one day.... And S1 kindness to me a few times.... And dad was always kind, if I saw him. If he had time, which he seldom had, in the circumstance that we were....I remembered when I attended school, I would go the church during recess time alone....pleading for help somehow....

all these came flooding back.....very painful.....

I did note that B1 tend to talk about the past, as he gets older. He should be 66. What he, S1, B2, ML, sk, bil didn't realise is, their way of distressing, talking about mum, dad, or what they did, or what so and so did, is  very very painful to me. They didn't somehow realise that the wound and impact runs very deep....sometimes, I almost wanted to react....but I didnt. I characteristically didn't say anything much. I guess they will always see me as one that somehow always managed, and is somehow always strong, and somehow very different from everyone. It is really almost like I am distinctly on my own.

Sometimes when people say don't dwell on the past ( I say the same to others as well at times), or when  they counter it with their own bad experiences as illustrations of how everyone has bad times, actually they don't understand what it is to have a life, void of good memories of childhood. And I am not one that dwell in the past. If I was, I think it would be impossible to be positive. But not dwelling does not negate its existence. That is part of my life. How to erase it?

As one grows older, one remembers more and more of the past. Young people get impatient when adults relate or want to relate stories of the past. Actually I love to listen to those stories. It add so much dimension to the person. And in turn, I always managed to churn interesting stories to entertain my kids. All is about life in school.

But, it is exceedingly painful for me for in  looking back at a stage of life that many can have so many happy stories and memories, I have none. It didn't help that even as I grew out of childhood, the responsibilities that had to be taken as things got more difficult....and others took flight to take care of themselves and their families... there were times, it was just I, me, myself....I wonder if they ever felt bad.....I suppose by getting me over for meals (which is not an easy task), and relating stories of the past, that they had their share also, is a way of making up?  And I did make things so much  worse for myself with many bad judgments and mistakes.  Very bad ones.

The choice is between voiding out everything into a blank, or the pain of remembering the unlovedness  that seemed to be the lifelong emblem.  I don't know which is more painful, which is possible to bear..... I only know, at the moment, when there are other inner conflicts, the wound runs deep.

Lesson learnt. Should be on my guard to avoid this in future....  it seemed strange that 'family' meals are the times that I have greater need to take caution at different levels....actually, I really dread family gatherings/meals......

And tomorrow marked the fourth year we buried mum.....

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I guess that's why I love nature. It is pure, undefiled, unspoilt. And kids.

And yes, it is better to be alone, closeted in my dream, in my own world sometimes. In a vacuum

i would wish i can say, someday, i would walk out of all these.....yet i know, somehow, because deep within, i guess it wont be quite possible. unless my journey can be shorter....which would be good.

Valuation

26 Oct 2013

"春秋战国时期，有位神医被尊为“医祖”，他就是“扁鹊”。一次，魏文王问扁鹊说：“你们家兄弟三人，都精于医术，到底哪一位最好呢？”扁鹊答：“长兄最好，中兄次之，我最差。”文王又问：“那么为什么你最出名呢？”扁鹊答：“长兄治病，是治病于病情发作之前，由于一般人不知道他事先能铲除病因，所以他的名气无法传出去；中兄治病，是治病于病情初起时，一般人以为他只能治轻微的小病，所以他的名气只及本乡里；而我是治病于病情严重之时，一般人都看到我在经脉上穿针管放血，在皮肤上敷药等大手术，所以以为我的医术高明，名气因此响遍全国。”

9 Feb 2014

The above is an extract from an internet source. Had intended this post some 4 months ago, but I guess, too much happened at that point of time, and I didn't continue. 

I came across this story related by the tcm lecturer in a module called 医古文 which is medical historical literature. I think the lecturer illustrated this quite early in the course, probably early August, and it was deeply imprinted in my mind, hence two months later I looked it up.

(Incidentally, I think it is so necessary to learn things from the beginning, looking at historical perspectives of any given course/pathway, without which, we would never trace the culture and root perspectives. Which is also why I really enjoyed this module though it was in ancient Chinese, which I struggled to understand.)

扁鹊 was one of the famed physicians in Chinese medical history and the story recorded that the king asked him among he and his two brothers, who is the best physician. He replied that the best was the eldest, followed by the second brother and he is the least. Then the king asked, why then are you the most famous?  His reply: My eldest brother treat an illness before its outbreaks, and because people didn't realise that he was actually eliminating a potential illness, hence he was not highly regarded. Second brother treated illness at the initial stage, and  because at that stage, people think that the illness is minor, hence he is known only within the village. I treat illness at the critical stage, and I am seen treating wounds, with needles, and letting out blood etc, hence people regarded my medical skills as brilliant.

The valuation of the masses of fame vs true valuation of a wise man.
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Whether the story is true or not, whether the reasoning can be faulted or not,  is not my focal point. I have no time for circular debate, or debate just to prove 'intellectual' prowess, as I note, many seem to enjoy such sparring sessions.

Neither is it my intent to join in the cynical camp that continually throw brickbats at the mrt companies as the breakdowns continually hit the headlines. It did however caused me to think of the almost unproblematic running of the mrt in the early years when mrt first started. I was very grateful for it, and for the foresight of those who planned for it, at a time that really the need was questionable. Public transport is many  many times more convenient since.  People don't realise that we owe it often to those who really cared about what they do, whose attitude is not "I am paid only to do this", who go the extra mile, that things run as well as they do for the relative ease of our lives.

And this include those around us family, friends, acquaintance. It is not just 'macro' planners. It is also people who consider the good of others first.

Yes, those who think ahead, prepare, pre-empt, (this does not include  those who are kiasu, who look after themselves first), are often not those that are famed. These are not 'unsung heroes'. These are not regarded even as heroes. Your everyday conscientious ordinary folks that may have been the reason for which we have gained welfare.

The truth is, very often, those who have had the foresight, consideration and thought and ensured that an event, a project or whatever is carried out smoothly is often not regarded as well as the 'heroes' in more dramatic situations. This includes those who take extra precaution like regular maintenance or steps to pre-empt accidents, negative occurrence in the growth of  kids etc. I can understand the oft disillusionment and discouragement that do dampened the spirit of those who may be overlooked in promotion or leadership, because they are deemed as not outstanding.

Which makes the judgement of 扁鹊 brilliant. Or if this is a fable, the writer's perception is exceptional, who recognise true value as opposed to news worthy value. The 'ordinariness' that far exceeds extraordinariness.

Another lesson I glean from this, is the need to resolve a situation early, treat an issue at the initial stage. What I guess, for kids education, is known as early intervention, when a problem is noted. It is true that what is most deeply rooted, is sometimes impossible to eradicate.

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This story somehow has a profound imprint in me. And it has been a key element why I decided to return back to the education field. I still intend to seek out knowledge especially in Chinese herbs, but as an interest pursuit, like music.

" In fact, if i was to consider the case of the story of 扁鹊's brothers being better doctors than him, by treating 'illnesses' before they occur, or get worse, then all the more I should return back to education. Every child that one can help, is likely to be one more 'better' adult. "  27 Nov 2013

 

This was the email reply I gave to a good and valued friend who asked me to consider taking up tcm seriously, that it can really benefit others.

 

I have to qualify. I don't equate education with schools. It isn't that I want to be a 'better' doctor. In actual fact, no one knew much about 扁鹊's brothers, nameless, and only mentioned because of the famed brother. Which is precisely what each with whatever 'talent' they have, should contribute, not because of 'fame' or 'achievement'. What is achievement anyway?

 

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Why I continue this trend of thought now is because of two conversations over the course of this week.

 

The first was with an acquaintance, whom I took an unplanned lunch with. In relating how she and her family had settled in, she paused  and acknowledged that it had been 顺, smooth , as a matter of fact. Having known and observed their circumstance for some time, I note perhaps some things had been taken for granted. Whilst sometimes there is an element of luck, most of the time, a lot of unseen preparation had been done. A pity.

 

Taking things for granted is really part of human nature. Especially with familiarity.  Cultivation of consideration of the valuation of family members strengthen bonds. It is so easy to see faults.

It takes wisdom to value worth.

 

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The second conversation  was after a steamboat dinner at my place with the 6  blss boys two days ago, our annual gathering. It was a good meet, I need only prepare the soup stock and cook the rice. They did the rest. And they are 24 this year....it remains to be seen how long this annual meet will carry on. Whilst it does, I really appreciate it......

 

 

The conversation turned to the negative comments so often appearing in social media. Seriously, I wont waste breath and space about these. Some of them said, it is through this that it made them aware of issues and think....I guess in a way, that's true, though I would wish it would be through more positive means. 

 

Inadvertently, the subject of 'ft' came up. My best friends are among the  'so-called'  foreign talent and I am very proud of them.

 

Honestly, this 'reference' means different things to different people, and arguments get so warped sometimes. One grouse raised was that they were prepared to accept lower pay, they had 'pushed down' wages. And that they were prepared to do the extras, overtime, or unliked tasks and hence made the locals looked bad.

 

Ironically that was exactly the spirit of our forefathers that came ashore this island. Not afraid of hard work, prepared to endure hard terms that made our lives the richer now. And sadly, the question of fairness or unfairness, to those paid lower for equal of more work is not an issue that was even considered.

I appreciated that the views were discussed openly. Whilst it was acknowledged that what I raised is true and right, the counter argument given is that it is hard to accept, especially when 'everyone' was also saying the same, and somehow it is easier to join the masses. And what is the point of doing what is right when no one sees, nor appreciates?

 

I guess this again brings  back to me the essence of the above story.

If one is to extenuate the case, it applies not only to being a physician. Wherever, we are, if we can try to pre-empt, to be positive, to avoid fanning negativism making sores worse;  to do our part (however small and insignificant) to clear misconceptions (if possible), we would have fulfilled our role as being an unknown physician helping in whatever small measure not to propagate potential social ills, to alleviate it at the initial stage.

Does it matter who knows or not or whether it is valued? The value lies in the act. Not in how others value or whether it is even valued. 

 

And for every protest of the futility of it all against the tide of the masses, I still say:  Each has to light his/her own candle, and do his/her part. By alluding to others, by pointing out the glaring injustices that may be true,  it does not mitigate one's own personal responsibility to another being, to humanity.

 

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Somehow, I feel that simple story has so much to teach us, just to be a decent being.

To the end, I want to remain the idealist that I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

无知无智

无知无智，辨得清？
 
须需两者，分不楚？
 
执意浮躁，因所在？

 
心明不遵，理智乏；
 
自律亏缺，才能惜；
 
心志不静，难坚固。
 
 
 
旁者无奈  ~  望黎明。