12 Feb 2011

This date has always been special because it is sk's birthday.

It took a different meaning from last year. It is the day we buried mum. Again I darent ask sk if she remembers. No need for everyone to feel it. sk was happy enough on her birthday today.

A year after which we put mum to rest, her children and grandchildren should benefit from her. tch asked me to convey to them to cherish what she has left for them, and to remember her kindness to them. tch always saw behind into the soul and heart.

there was bereavement at ml's family over the cny. Whilst settling things with b2 this evening, he remarked to me and sk how complicated things were at her end in the handling of end affairs. He actually said it was so different from how i had handled it, there was coordination and no haggling or argument.

an ironic statement. I am the youngest in the family. Difference of 16 years between the eldest and me. But i think i have justified mum's trust, and had acted according to the spirit of what she would be happy, to keep harmony without compromising principles.

It is not without gratification to hear that acknowledgement. That I had done my duty to mum to the end.

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Was thankful to pick up today. Yesterday was a down day, ended up at the doc again. Preferred this doc who did some explanation.

Yesterday, last year I collected C4. C4 was 'born' 10 Feb 2010. Actually, I didnt treat C4 as well as I treated volks, though it is my first first-hand car. I guess I found it hard to accept that C4 should walk in at the time it did, just when mum is gone. It just somehow didnt seem right. Since then, things were more or less a blur....

I also admit I always did prefer volks.

I am beginning to like C4 more and more. Its time I take more trouble over her. Must start with washing her myself. I never did. There was resistance. Actually inward resistance is often the biggest obstacle to overcome, not the nature or difficulty of a task.

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12 Feb took another turn today. I have settled in more or less and invited friends that had been supportive and kind to me this past year, over to my new place to mark the occasion. Had anxiety over it actually at the start, mainly because i am really not a social person, and personally avoid social gatherings. To have one is really not me.

The concern and encouragement of people help me move forward. It turned out well (to me). There was no strain. Yes, its nice to have the place with friends.

I must say sometimes I wonder if people 'feel sorry' for me being alone and dumb in so many things or condescends to be kind to me because of age. I wouldnt want that. Sigh. The only way is to move on in life with purpose and be positive whatever.

Whatever. Cherish what one has at hand. For whatever reasons, bonds are forged, that they are forged is to be valued. And I value them all very much. Very honestly, a few of them had helped me tide through a precarious time. And I am very grateful.

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Having more or less settled in, the issue of future direction surfaces even more sharply now. Conflicts continue to battle. Decision toggles.

What do I want? Even if I know what I want, would things work out the way wanted. Experience tells me no.

This is life.

And it is not that i can be so certain what i want. On the one hand are ideals held on for almost a lifetime; on the other, a desire for quietude, withdrawal, placidness; and yet another, sentimentalism, valuation of friendship forged...and the fulfilment of a vocation. Yes, all abstract.

Meaningfulness. Contentedness. Can I hold these in all circumstances? By right, I should and not be easily perturbed. That was what Rudyand Kipling epitomised in his poem 'If' of a nobler state of mind.

Agitation, conflicts show a lack of harmony within. Sigh!