A Different Phase....

To say it is a 'new' phase... somehow, doesnt seem quite precise. It may be a 'age-perspective' thing. Nevertheless, things have to take a different turn.

So cny eve lunch was at my place. All were here, except for j1. This is quite a record. There was however obvious strain between B1 and B2 folks. I can understand why B1 doesnt take on to B2. B2 has much higher eq and holds out socially. I just sat at a corner to keep out of things as much as possible. Thankfully, I have always been close to the set of nieces and nephews. And now, there are 2 grand-nephews from j2.

Had originally intended to settle rv1 affair next week, but decided to speed up and informed all. There was a moment of tension when B1 and R wanted to clarify some points. sk was upset at what they said, but i was nonchalant about it. bil handled it on my behalf. B2 was gracious. I just want to get everything over.

I wish I was a simple village girl...

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Went to B2's place for dinner with S1, after he sent 2 messages to request me to.

One can choose to be skeptical.
One can choose to believe that there is 亲情.

I choose neither. Just dont want to cause hurt. As tch advised me, seek for harmony.

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I am grateful, very grateful to tch. And I know I will never be able to repay him.

When I drove off after meeting him to settle some admin matters yesterday morning, and most of mum's matters had come to a close, except for a couple of loose ends, the way he wished the best for me, the way he waited to see me off was very touching.

I do know tch cared for me specially. And I had felt very bad. I couldnt reciprocate. He really is a better brother to me than any of mine own. He is one of the very very few person I know, that is contented to see those he cared for happy irrespective of himself.

I really owe him a debt I can never repay.

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cny has lost its significance to me. I know if I want to 'bond' the 'family' closer, I can. But is that what I want?

Sigh. No, that is not what I want. I am contented just to be with sk. sk is closer to bil's siblings than our own.

It doesnt help that I am not feeling good. May need to go on antibiotics, but still want to try holding out with echinacea. After this week, it is going to be a marathon at school and at nie till April. I have decided to let go all the imperfections of this place, and just try to get well, and focused on work.

Once things are more settled for me, now waiting for rv2 to reach an end, I told sk I need to draw a will. She was upset about it, but I told her I need to be practical. I am on my own, and 'family' ties are so complicated.

Honestly, I sometimes dont see the purpose of carrying on, except that life takes its course, and whilst a sojourner, lets help one another. So, if the journey is short, its good for me. I am tired. Very.
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There are some things that made me feel sad and disconsolate. But it is not unexpected. Positively, the same element has given me simple joy, and though transient, because it was during a period of darkness and totally unexpected, that has left a special place always. But i had anticipated that it wont clear the test of time. Sad but resigned.

There was a chinese song translated, 'To win, You must fight'. When I first saw it, my inward response was, I dont seek to win, how to fight? But as in all things, I gave thought to the lyrics, written obviously by someone that had weathered through life.

There is alot to learn from everyone. If one truly reflects.
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I no longer look for anything of permanence. Just simplicity, contentedness and meaningfulness. Spare me pain, if at all possible. That will suffice for me.

This is chinese new year for me....