Borrowed Time

Borrowed Time

Each day I wake, I am grateful for the day. I remembered some time in May, I said to sk, this period is going to be very stressful, and she said quite cheerfully, This is the day the Lord has made, let us be glad in it.  I was struck by what she said. Since then, I say this to myself everyday.

Time is often taken for granted, especially by the young. Many many years ago, I heard a message that emphasised that the time we have is borrowed time. Mentally I processed it. But to grasp the weight and essence was somehow beyond me then.

Last weekend, I was out with sk’s family for dinner. I saw a touching moment when bil asked Sean why he was upset and embraced him. I saw through the action how much bil must miss his daughter, Sean’s mother, and in hugging Sean close to him, it was as if  in replacement. Bil is undemonstrative as a person, loud, aggressive and highly capable. Critical most of the time, his show of ‘affections’ is often in grumbles and reluctant actions. I never doubted that he cares for his family. But to see this gentle, soft side in public, it was very poignant.

Poignancy is the quintessential depiction of inward loss.

Its hard to accept, that a person was here, and then no more. The aftermath had not been dramatic, which I was thankful. Things fell into place and into a regular pattern. The two kids, thankfully showered with love from D’s side, were not apparently affected badly for D being a wonderful father all the time, has replaced their mother in her illness over the years. I am not sure however, that the impact would not be felt gradually, and surely. This especially for Sean who was very close to his mother. I mentioned to sk. She was surprised and asked me if I really thought so. Depth is not sk’s strength.  She is too childlike still, even at this age. The good is, that counters my over-thought sometimes.
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Loss….is what we had and no longer have.

The image of Bil drawing Sean close to him and embracing him assuringly and protectively depicts so touchingly his holding on to yl via her son.

Gain….is what we did not have, and now have.

And when there is gain, how often the fear of losing leads one to hurt what one has gained; or in avarice, seek for further gains, without appreciation of what one has.....till sometimes. Too late.

Its not a question of do we deserve to gain, or deserve to lose. It’s the flow of things in life. But our inner being does not respond correspondingly. Too much rationalisation can hamper true living

The truth is, our time was never infinite. We fill it with things that we are born with; the things that we see others have, and expect to have; we fill it with what our inner self desire, be it the expression of our ability or talent, the attaining of a dream, the grasping of material possessions, the fulfilment of a completion with those we love.

Time is meant to be filled. And filled meaningfully. Some however squander it; others abuse it; yet others drift through it.....But it doesn’t change the fact that this time is borrowed. 

For some, days are truly few…..its tragic when  a child loses his/her life young. We take more for granted that it’s a way of life when the end comes when one is aged. Should that be the case?

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I have had my share of taking things for granted as well. Mental knowledge and inward grasp are two different realms. After mum left in 2010, I ‘lived’ a period of trance-like days over almost three years, fulfiling duties of the times…. Leaving rv was a very major milestone ~ for all that rv meant for me, both mum’s place at rv, and my own.  Together they represented almost half a century of my life.

I have finally walked out of the tunnel, and looked back, and truly it has all been borrowed time. What I had. What I lost. What I now have. What I would not be here to have, to gain or to lose.

To be at peace to look through the leaves of one’s life, especially when things were never a norm, is really a great blessing. In myself, there has always been a lot of drive, to get as much things done as possible (and as efficiently, sorry, I am a true blue Singaporean here).  But my physical capacity limited much of what I would have wished to do. In that sense, I have to admit, yes, I do not feel my life has been fulfilled.

What would I wish I could have fulfilled? I would wish to have made a much deeper and wider impact, to many many more in education, and in the system itself. Yes, I would have liked to run a school. I have the vision. But I have not the strength. And I cant conform. And will never conform.

I would have wished to be fulfiled in the music realm. I love music. Very very much. Both playing the piano and singing. But my limitations, coordination disability, lack of talent….. hampered me. 

I would have wished to be able to walk to the end in harmony with the three friends from my youth, the bonds are etched deep within….I still meet them in my dreams. They are precious to me, for they alone knew me as I was.

I would have wished to have been a much much better daughter.  I did do my best in my limitations. But, it really should be much much, much better.

I never wished for wealth, recognition or success. I wanted to serve, and to serve is all I want. This is still what I wish.

I admit, I never dare wish to have a family of my own. I cannot believe that anyone who knows me well enough would continue to love me. I dare not trust. Nor did anyone give me any reason to trust. I do not think I will even make a good parent. To bring a kid unhappily into this world would be tragic to me. Not another me.

Yes, I do wish not to be alone sometimes. But I prefer only to be with those with the same mind.  Otherwise, I  do love my own company. I wont conform. 

I do not bother to strive to fulfil ‘unfulfilled’ dreams. I think its meaningless. What is meant to be, is meant to be.  Some may say this is fatalistic. I say, its being content. My prime is over. Give the youth a chance for their life. That to me is more important. Value what you have. And I truly have a lot.

I admit I hope that this borrowed time would not run too long for me. Nothing is within our control though. For every day ahead, bearing that in mind, that today is  - does not mean - tomorrow is. What I need to do especially with respect to things that need to be settled with others, I have done so.  Whether others do so or not, is none of my concern. One should not answer for others. The rest, is to live as meaningfully as possible each day.  I realised it is almost impossible to tie loose ends for things to be dictated in the way one wished when one is gone. I can only make whatever provisions that can be made. In the best interest in my mind.

For the rest of my days, I would wish the following:

Avoid envy and hatred. Avoid strife and violence. Avoid lies, falsehood and clamour. Avoid glamour and vanities.  Avoid hypocrisies and insincerity.

Each day is the day the Lord has made. Each day is a day nearer to the day of redemption. The things that can be seen are temporal. The things that cannot be seen are eternal. I am very thankful that the power of the things that are eternal had always been the inner guide to lead me to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.  Now, I can truly say, I have no need.  My cup runneth over.

Yes, I do still feel deep inward pain. The past remains the past. It pains though it has dulled. I do still feel the reverberating emptiness of non-fulfilment…... but that’s for the next generation to fulfil. And the physical ailments when they come can be very disconcerting, especially when one is alone. Its true, there is some anxiety of the illnesses that can decapacitate one, or can bring one away from this earth in a stroke. But that is so for everyone. Each day is best lived as it comes, and not as it may be.

I trust in the Lord.  Each day, live meaningfully.  Its borrowed time.

Its been some time since I write in this manner.  I am content. I am grateful for Tiger and Brownee still affectionately with me, the love of my life; LS and KY, my faithful companions in the faith, together with G, SB and LK; LD,  J and K, who have made such a difference in my life these past years; Zh, under whose care i have recovered significantly; El, who over 25 years understood my education dreams; many lovely people from nush, pc, kyc, vl and angeline, dc, ht, ncl, sl, rc, sy, ws.... who have helped me tide through a very rough period of my life, grateful, very grateful to them; my nush kids, especially 403 kids who will always be special; my family. And all who love me and care for me.

The Lord is good and his mercies endureth forever. I love the LORD because he first loved me.

Its good to record one's gratitude.