Reflections_ssh

涵养

2012-02-14T21:50:00.006+08:00

The passing of feng fei fei brought alot of thoughts.

I like her, but she was not a 'favourite' and I grew up with her songs. There were very little distractions at that time, and the songs that I liked wove into my life. So she is special.

As the years passed, I respect her for the way she carried herself. One who had fame, but never abuse it; and never responded inappropriately, even when provoked. She really carried herself very well.

She has 涵养.

That in her final days, she considered for those that will be affected by her passing is admirable.

I grew up in a better generation, and really have much better role models even in the 'entertainment' sector: simplicity, discipline, and 涵养 . Some words just cant be translated. How many in this generation even enquire after the meaning of 涵养, much less see the value of nurturing and appreciating such an attribute?

In those times, there were many, many who really have character, courage and vision....witness the many tributes to those who had been the foundation leaders of this small island. Leaders or simple people, their lives inspire. Not empty talk.

That is what is missing.....the true substance....

yes, i am sad....have been sad.... but i am much more fortunate than alot, alot of people. At least, I have had role models that inspired. Yes, childhood and education are so important.... the question is, what is education?

涵养. I value this. Partly because mum also admire this attribute.

And whilst reading and knowledge builds up 涵养, it is the continual nurturing of the inner character of the person, that develops such a quality. And actually the more gifted/ talented/ able/ capable, the more the importance of nurturing this inward quality.

sigh....very deep sigh....

yes, feng fei fei definitely epitomised this quality, over a lifetime.... this is a tribute to her...

summary of the week...

2012-02-11T13:51:00.004+08:00

The past week has been very unfruitful. First of all, I am continually tired. And it just doesnt make sense to work like that. So, I did the bare necessary only....

Then 8 feb was mum's 2nd anniversary....

Took time to meet up with ld and sl. No matter how busy, i want to keep in touch with people. I want to keep a balanced perspective of things.

ls eye op on tues. She seemed ok on wed, but thurs, there was a terrible scare. For some moments, the prospect of her losing most of her vision loomed darkly. As at this moment, it seemed that may be a temporary phase, and things may not be that bad....

I remembered that moment when she rang me, and the fear in her voice. I dropped all remedials and left to fetch her to hospital. As usual, I remained calm. It reminded me of the many times that I had to do this, for dad, for mum, for others...

I wondered vaguely who would i call if i was in dire need. Its one thing, when I still can take on responsibilities though it is really no longer the same. I have to admit, I am tired. Very. But ls and ky are on par with sk to me. So, the Lord preserve me and my strength to help them.

I hope ls diminishing sight can be preserved for as long as possible....

My perspective of life is always clear: I have lived my life. Do what I can for those who need me. I am happy to depart, to be with the Lord. I am tired....And I think of those who had grown up with me, and claimed they will walk with me and share my burden. Where are you?

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Today is at least a non-tiring day, and somewhat fruitful, in that i got the lesson plan out for the scheduled video clipping component of my assignment. It took weeks to brew it out, reading, thinking, bouncing off thoughts off ld....Dont know how the lesson will go, but i am satisfied with what i came up with... a lesson from a different perspective... and totally new approach.

I enjoy teaching. Very much.

Yet I am torn. Between the different spectrum of learners that I can reach out. Between the different facets of education that I can serve. Where is the greater need?

I enjoy my friday evening course, and the short chats with ga. He said do what you want to do. I wish i know what i really want. I know nush and nush kids occupy a big place in my heart. It is my dream school, and where my heart is. But would i really be able to do anymore good for them?

maybe i should opt out of all school systems.... i guess i will in a matter of time. Its a question of when.

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This week, there were more contacts than usual from people I knew before, ex colleagues, ex students...
It is always good to hear from people who remembers well of you.

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for the moment, alot needs to be done at all fronts....its going to be hard work continually...

actually it is a lonely pathway. Somehow, I remain alone in my thoughts and in the things I set out to do... What I take comfort is, from people who knew me from a child, from school-days, from the start of my vocation till now, they said the same to me: You didnt change.Yes, I didnt. I remain in my own independence, in pathway, in ideals, in thoughts. And I am glad I remain so.

Not without price. But, above all things, to thy own self be true. I kept my course, and still strive toward the same cause. But no longer with the same energy....

February 2012

2012-02-02T21:42:00.003+08:00

actually i write better with music...somehow the words flow with the melody...

i am beginning to like thurs...the benefit of 4 day work... not that i dont work on a friday, but its in a different way.

end of one month of a year. dont know what to make out of this year. today, yet another person raised obliquely about plans for next year. sigh. i really dont know where i will be heading... and dont want to think too much either.

This week, i have been quite temperamental. partly cos i wasnt feeling well. partly cos the backlash of piled up work is beginning to be felt. And i didnt meet the deadline for submission of ethics form for research. Next deadline is 1 march as review committee meets monthly. I decided to delay as I couldnt produce anything of quality. I have difficulty tuning back to the research work. Somehow, over these 2 weeks so much had happened that made me feel, what is important? But i must still pick up and complete it....

i also admit, it is really very tough trying to give the kids some foundation. it really takes alot, and when u see the lack of concern and seriousness to help themselves, it is really disheartening. Yet at the same time, when you see they do care when they know you are trying to help them, it also makes it seem worthwhile. To be fair, quite a few did try to be more focused, and did put in some effort. And i think they do listen. But it really would be an uphill task.....it is only week 5, so there are 36 weeks more to trudge through.... i only hope it will really make a real difference....that would make 2012 worthwhile. And i really hope, it would not only be in results... but that values could also be imparted.

working at the ground also made me realised that i really do not have the as much energy as before. Honestly, i feel aged....

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someone said that day..."meritocracy breeds elitism. that cant be helped." i was taken aback. I havent had time still to think through this statement.

It would also require the definition of meritocracy and elitism. I will come back to this another time....

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Experiences helps one to know boundaries; helps one to sharpen focus and judgment; helps provide foundation to withstand crisis; provides that resource to give support and perceive with greater depth.

Only if experience listens, reflects and soul-searches.

Experience has taught me there really is no perfect system; that even good systems degenerate; that one tends to be harshest in judgment when one is more attached to 'a system'; that sometimes stepping aside, one sees the limitations of many things and persons, including one's own.

Experiences teaches one..... dont think when one is tired..... rest....

Miscellaneous thoughts...

2012-01-29T22:19:00.006+08:00

Was having a text conversation with kyc just now, and she said many boys going into ns this week. True....i guess abit of maternal concerns...

Going to ns is quite an 'event' . I remembered when my batch of peers went, (and those were really hard days!), yes, i was worried for friends that were close. In those days, you can 'see them off'. I didnt. But i was worried.

After that it was a non-event. Teaching girls, the event never occur. And when i taught in a mixed/all boys sch, by the time students go in, they are quite distant, after jc or poly and not in close contact. Until nephews went in. For zg, there was anxiety when health problem surfaced for awhile.

This is the first batch of my own kids going in. I look forward to 2 years later, writing about their ord. Well, boys have to grow to be men. And this is one of the process. Ok, whatever shadowy anxiety, it is a phase that has to be borne. The kids are mostly fit, sensible, and should come through well. One or two may have a little dificulty 'fitting in', but then that is life. It is a learning process.

And it is still not being thrown into society to fend for yourself. It is a training institution that will also account for their welfare. So mustnt worry. As st says... it should be ok de. Ya, it should.

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yesterday was quite an event.... more than 60 kids were here! Didnt expect it actually. I thought about 30-40, so should be manageable. But to start with, i was tired. And my place was actually a huge mess. Just clearing it (actually hiding it is more accurate) over the week was sufficient to wear me out. Thankfully Patrick came in to help with getting miscellaneous.

I was really happy to see every one, and also thought of those I didnt see. Of course, it was impossible to have any conversation of depth, but it still provided that touch, that contact. I cant say if it was because i had left nush, or because of what had taken place, or its me always being sentimental, but the kids epecially these 2 special batches somehow mean alot to me.

Conversations with the older kids are always more of depth. Of cos 09403 people are always special. But I was glad to see the others as well, whether i had taught them actually or not is not important. It is just nice to see them growing up. Some people say the growing phases of babies, and toddlers are phases not to be missed. Personally, i am not a baby person. I find it gratifying to see the growing phases from adolescence to gradual adulthood. But it also means seeing and sharing their ups and downs....

and another unusual thing, i actually enjoy writing the letter of reference for each of them... it is like documenting their growth and being proud of telling others how good my kids are! :) Ya, i think i am not quite normal....

the last group left at 2310pm. I was sorry when each of them left. I guess I was wondering when will i see them again. It was easy when all was in school.

Still, it was a treat to me, seeing them here, and hopefully, most are happy. Yes, Louisa May Alcott Jo's Boys came to mind again. I remembered when I read it at 14(?), I did identify with her, and her boys. So, in some ways, part of a dream fulfilled.

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the next 6 weeks is going to be unmitigating hard work. I have lost momentum, especially in my own dissertation. Sigh!

At the moment, there is a sense of mission, to help the kids believe in themselves, and be willing to work hard to attain to a higher platform of growth. I would need stamina to last out. In some ways, it is more difficult than blss cos there are more students here. Whilst i think, some have been motivated, whether they can sustain, and have enough determination and perseverance would be the crux. I hope 9 months from now, I will see what i wish to see for each of them....

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at the same time, i also realise, with age catching up, this may not be sustainable for me.....

ss called me just now, and suggested we have a talk in june over plans next year. i said, i wouldnt know by then. I really wouldnt.

I know i need not 'look for direction' anymore cos i only need to enjoy what i am doing. On the other hand, i would still wish to optimise effort....for the next generation.So what next year? dont know. Only the first month of this year and already 3 persons have raised possibilities of the paths next year.... I know what i wont want is to 'just make a living'. So unlikely to continue on with ss actually....

follow heart? follow mind? follow what? ......sigh....

2012-01-24T13:36:00.001+08:00

Deep calleth unto deep....

In remembrance

2012-01-24T10:58:00.012+08:00

失去和拥有刹那的感动

人生有时候像一场梦

醒着的时候睁开了双眸

不如意的很多....

This is part of the lyrics from Joi Chua. I like her voice and I like most of her songs. Not that I had paid attention to the new generation of singers. But when i was teaching at blss, each time I passed the mrt, there will be a cd shop that played their music loud... and her voice and songs caught my attention. Ld got me 3 of her cds for my birthday this year...the lyrics captured alot of passing mements of life...

By now, I almost dread cny. First of all, with mum gone, cny has no meaning to me. Dad and mum both passed on just before cny. Last year, there was a bereavement at cny, though it did not directly affect me.

This year....the events that had taken place, which marked anxiety from the start till the end...had weighed heavily. Everything else that had taken place sunk into insignificance...

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The last 3 weeks of 2012 have been like a long journey. I cant say it is a roller coaster ride, because it isnt. Its like walking through a valley... at the end of each week of 2012, i had a heavy heart...And week 3 of 2012 ... that which was dreaded, became reality ....

Among the many, many thoughts, pain, reflections...one consideration stood out: the immense responsibility of being an adult, ie a responsible one. What to say, how much to say;being positive and cheerful when one's perception tells one otherwise; consideration for kids takes precedence over whatever personal turmoil one may have. And i agree that it is only right to do so.

Yet, when all alone, in that inwardness and multitudes of tumultousness, I realised I seem quite alone, in the way I think and feel. Against the backdrop of a festive period, grief has to be so muted.

I am strong in rationalisation, and that is a great strength.

But alot of things sometimes cant be rationalised. And shouldnt be.

Humanity ie being human, in the full capacity of mind and heart cannot be rationalised. That would be self-delusion.

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At this moment, i just want to have that small space, to be abit of myself.

I am writing this in remembrance, now that there is a quietude.......I feel the painful loss within my soul. I wished... I wished for alot that I cant do anymore.

I am sorry. Very Very sorry.

In remembrance...I just want to say, I do care...I really do....

Four Day Week

2012-01-20T11:21:00.003+08:00

The advantages about working four-day week is:

1) When you reach Wed, you tell yourself one more day to complete work for the week. Phew.

2) You relax on thursday evening, telling everyone, you dont work on friday (actually not true, but yet true).

3) You can get up abit later, and dont worry about reporting for work.

4) You can eat breakfast more leisurely with TnB sitting on the breakfast table looking at you.

5) You can catch up last minute work (ie the only time you work at the course) before facing your lecturers later.

6) And you are still 2 days away from starting another work week, so you can keep your mind blank about work.

Disadvantage

PAY CUT!!!

2012-01-19T23:02:00.003+08:00

i dont know how i get so busy and tied down everyday. Am getting tired and yes, fedup with myself. For being so obliging, and not being able to say No when I really want not to work so hard.

The only consolation is, I definitely still have that magic touch in teaching. Only eleven days of teaching, to be precise. And I think the groundwork has been done, for most, if not all of them. I didnt expect that actually. I thought it would need at least a month.

The greatest motivation is to get them to believe in themselves, that they can do it. They need to be encouraged, to see the best in themselves, and not give up. And when they begin to see it, and taste success, and believe that with hard work, they can, then the drive comes from within themselves. Thats what that is meaningful. It is quite sad to hear how they had felt defeated since a kid.

The more the kids respond, and begin to work hard, the harder I have got to work. Three afternoons of remedials weekly. Sigh! I realised, energy level is really not the same. And i have so little time left for myself. :( Am really very tired.

But, i have to admit, it is gratifying. Very.

2012-01-16T22:42:00.002+08:00

Not a good day. Hate having to drive from one end to another. Today, I took all the expressways I have never driven before: KJE, SLE, TPE, BKE....and those I had, PIE, KPE. Sigh, I dont like driving much.

Was really stressed and wished I wont be so obliging....came back, open the letter boy, and there was one for me. From NIE.

YES! My dissertation proposal is approved! Within less than a week! Actually, the letter was dated 3 days after I submitted. That was really unexpected. I remembered the kids saying NTU replies so much faster than the other local unis. I must say I am impressed. Now one more admin hurdle, with MOE, then I can start the data collection.

And the deadline for completion? June 2014!

The problem with dissertation is, it is an arduous journey. Had I done by course work, I woud have completed this sem. It would be the easy way out. But, both lecturers who value education process felt I should embarked on the proper research journey. The fastest I can complete is within a year, if there are no hitches, and I read and worked very hard. I am going to do that. :)

End of Week 2 in 2012

2012-01-15T22:15:00.002+08:00

Wrote a very long post yesterday, but decided to un-publish it. Too long a discourse over abstract ideas.

Actually, things are fairly pleasant. The transition has been much smoother than I expected. And, though I am really kept busy, the stress is totally different. In fact, quite refreshing. And positive. It always feel good to be able to reach out to students, and hopefully helped them reach their potential.

For Masters course, only 2 more modules, one on Friday night, and another in the June break. With only one evening lesson, that also reduced stress immensely. I will miss the classes when it end by March. It has been a very good learning process and interaction. Meantime, I have to wait for the administrative process which takes SO LONG, before I can start collecting my research data. Meantime, alot, alot of reading, thinking, reflecting, and writing which I hadnt started.

Have a mac to play with! And with cool software as well! And alot of learning opportunities. Both L and tls really look out for me in this respect, which I really enjoy.

Do I miss nush? Actually, no. Only the kids. And some of the colleagues.

I am thankful that in stepping out of an environmentally comfort zone, it does not in any way dampen that zest in education. In fact, that became clearer, and in many ways, the contribution is wider. And there are opportunities for greater depth of thought and reflection.

I also realise, I need not 'seek for direction'. At my age, I just need to enjoy what I am doing, and contribute meaningfully. Most important of all, to help pave the way for the next generation.

Apart from a heavy heart worrying about a couple of situations, I must say, I feel at ease with the things I am doing, especially because it allows more room to serve, and help in more meaningful context. And that includes personal, professional and intellectual development.

And for the kids that I miss, I must thank social media for giving me avenues to share their lives, and also the many ways of communication. Looking forward to seeing them....

One week into 2012

2012-01-07T21:44:00.003+08:00

One week into 2012. I have to admit I feel sad. Very. Whether I show or not, I am. Of course, I didnt show.

In all that I do, I put my whole being in. I dont know how not to. It is true, in life, we have our favourites. People say we shouldnt. But thats not possible. Favouritism is only wrong if it leads to biasness, and neglecting of others.

So every child is important. And I feel it for each one of them, as and when I know of their pathway. Rejoicing with them in their joys; and feeling their pain in their downsittings. I looked forward to every news of each of my kids...

at this moment, there is a well of sadness...

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at my own end, things have been pleasant. settled in well in the new place. The people I have to communicate with were all nice, and respectful. When issues were raised, the positive approach, receptiveness and immediate responses took me by surprise. So, despite the long travelling, it really was pleasant. Definitely much better than I have expected, and i am grateful.

Kids, are always lovable in their own way. Every child is important. So, whatever the differences in traits or content, the heart of teaching remains what it is. To nurture. To educate.

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Direction for dissertation is begin to be clearer. I must say my lecturer cum supervisor, L, is very 'on'. We have already met twice for over 4 hours, and she is definitely pushing me into deep reading. Her drive and passion is very motivating. The problem is I have difficulty matching up... ultimately I am always distracted by teaching and kids.

But, I would have to insulate myself more and focus. It is not merely trying to complete the Masters in the shortest period ie within this year. It also may set the pathway for things ahead. Discipline is not my strength. Partly because I cant do things for myself. That is not sufficient motivation for me. And for personal 'glory' or achievement is also meaningless. I have to try to see that the project could well turn out to be meaningful for the education profession. Actually it is, or could be. Whatever. I must.

I am thankful that both L and tls are supportive and have been guiding me closely. This is quite unusual for me, since that is the role I usually play. So, I really must get myself into higher gear.

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I wish I had not commit myself to so many miscellaneous tasks. Although it all has to do with teaching, the approaches are so diverse. O well, I suppose at the end, I hope to find my direction...or at least rule out what I know I definitely would not want.

ssh, must really get organised, and buck up....
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and i hope, i really hope all would be well....

New Year....

2012-01-02T22:40:00.004+08:00

I cant say I really feel much about the start of another year. Though I am starting quite a few things really new this year, and in unknown areas, I dont know aht to feel about them. Alot of things to adapt to, and perhaps age is a mental obstacle. Again, it may be because of my own pessimistic disposition. My lecturer pointed that out, that I keep seeing difficulties, the things I think I cant do.

Actually I do know that of myself, but it is always helpful when someone 'rapped' you about it. I remembered part of the reason why I wanted to blog was to keep reminding myself to be positive. To set an example for the kids. So no matter how 'down' things seem, must take a deep breath, see things positively, and move forward.

Its like driving also. I hate to drive to unknown places. But if I dont, almost every place will remain unknown. I am thankful for people who keep encouraging me to break the mental barrier. But encouragement is pointless if one doesnt act on it. Same as advice.

So, taking the 'rap' from my lecturer, and her advice, I am embarking on the dissertation route. Its going to be tough. I thought the magnitude of the project was much bigger than I wanted. But hopefully it would be meaningful. Then I need to pick up more education research skills, and I am offered some part-time task to work on it. I am a little relunctant. I guess part of the reason is because it will take me one step further away from my love in teaching.

But I have to ask myself realistically, how long will I be respected in teaching? Will there be a time when I can no longer reach out to kids because i lack the life and energy as I get older? It is terrible to see kids treating elders with condescension. With adults, I have definitely see it. Someone actually coined the acronym 'gg' whenever our views differ. And gg stands for 'generation gap'. I often wonder how do one teach respect to others when they themselves cant show respect to fellow beings. Example is better than precept. I will take alot of nonsense from kids. But adults, well......

So, realistically, well, I do need to consider alternatives. Ironically, my first career choice was to do research. Still, I should be thankful to have alternatives. So this 'new' year will be a year of diversity. Perhaps its my sentimentalism ~ 太过念旧。Yes, i will miss the kids terribly once term starts. And it is starting tomorrow. And all the warmth and familiarity that I have left behind....

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Starting anew has its fears. I was beginning to panic that I am far from ready, and looking into what I should bring tmr, when I remembered ld getting alot of packed stationery for me. I had seen the items, but when I opened up the box again just now, I realised how thoughtful he was. He remembered that I was going to a new environment, and would probably need to build up my stationery resource again. He thought of everything, even labelling them with my name, so that they will come back to me when misplaced. I am really quite a scatter brain in some things, and he being my 'neighbour' had been my provider... and he ensured that I would have the essentials for my next lap. What a lovely chap!

And as I rummaged through my things, I realised I have so many things, so many thoughtful and sweet gifts, honestly, I have alot alot. Its not the gifts. Its the people that have been so thoughtful.

Its good to count one's blessings.....very good indeed.

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There is no need to make new year resolutions... I suddenly recall a song "Try a little kindness"

"If you see your brother standing by the road
With a heavy load from the seeds he's sowed
And if you see your sister falling by the way
Just stop and say you're going the wrong way
You got to try a little kindness
Yes show a little kindness

Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll overlook the blindness
Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets

Don't walk around the down and out
Lend a helping hand instead of doubt
And the kindness that you show every day
Will help someone along their way
You got to try a little kindness
Yes show a little kindness

This is a good resolution all the year round....

Last day of 2011

2011-12-31T23:55:00.001+08:00

Overall, to say it has not been a bad year is an understatement. Really, to be fair, it has been a good year. Especially in relation to the years I had left behind.

In terms of work, if I was to see it wrt teaching per se, this year was closest to 2008, and really one of my best teaching years. Although, I still think I should and could have done better in delivery. The kids deserved alot more credit than I.

In terms of personal accomplishment, taking on the Masters has been a real enrichment and added a dimension to my personal development. Having good lecturers and coursemates also enhanced learning.

Healthwise, this past month, recovering from the interminable headaches, having only 6 out of 31 days is a big plus plus.

Moving to dakota, and sharing a little of the family life of sk, from time to time, is another consolation.

Friends ~ I would say, there are alot more gains than losses. It is not that I dont mind the loss, I do. But, it takes 2 hands to clap. Especially stepping into the relative unknown, you know who are walking with you. And I am grateful. And for the many wonderful colleagues with touches of kindness, I will never forget.

With ky and ls, it has been a very hard year. At least for the moment, there is calmness. I hope, the bond will hold to then end. That, I will give my utmost to maintain.

Opportunities have been much more than expected. And more diverse. Material wise, it may seem a huge loss, but by whose valuation?
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2011 began with end of rv, but the beginning of dakota; end of nush, but not the end to dreams, ideals and teaching.

2011 ~ no great highs, but also no deep troughs. Despite the finality, there is a tranquility.

So really, it is a good year.

If I was to state what is my best achievement for 2011, I would say keeping bonds, friends(and that include my 'grown' 403s and the many special students)

If I was to list people I would specially thank, then here are my list: ld, vl, sy, dc, ncl, kyc, pc, ws, tk, pl, el, kuech. The extra mile they have gone to stand by; the patience and true friendship have made 2011 a good year. Thank you very much.

Good Bye 2011

天下无不散之筵席

2011-12-30T22:45:00.004+08:00

yes, it is finally over. at least at this point.
for one moment, I thought I was going to crack when tsc hugged me goodbye. But i managed to hold back.

i knew it would be hard. And so it was. Thankfully, sy's timely visit helped. I was accompanied the whole day. had lunch with a large group, but i didnt enjoy that.

when I finally drove out.... that was a horrible moment.... ld, vl, sy accompanied me for ice cream and they stayed with me and chatted and took dinner together. This was the first team of people I had worked with at the start four years ago. Minus one. So we have come a long way together, and have build a strong bond. And all 4 of us are moving in different directions. But becos we were bonded by values with kindness and respect almost like a family, i didnt feel any loss about them, which really helps alot.

Though I will miss the warmth especially at my lorong, and the special sharing with ld most, it is not missing the people that hurts. Many have become from colleagues to firm friends. In that sense, with quite a few of them, it is not a goodbye, with so many means of contact. The next 2 days alone, there will be gatherings of 2 different groups and it is nice. I half wonder if sy has timed his 'need' to be here to settle things at this time to help me tide through. Whatever it is, i really appreciate it.

It was not my intention to make this decision at the start of the year. But that it was made, I abided by it. The price is high, but I was aware of it.

whatever that led to this decision is not the point. I need to find myself, and my direction.

Would I return? I may, and am grateful that the door is opened for me to do so. That also helped. If I am certain the contribution is positive. I may.

For the moment, I need to.... recover. And move on....

Sad, but i know it could be worse.... and it had been much much worse.

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there is something abt chinese sayings.... very perceptive

路遥知马力，日久见人心。

马善被人骑，人善被人欺。

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brownee is sick... sigh....

3 days to the end of 2011...

2011-12-28T22:27:00.003+08:00

In many ways, i dont know what to feel. Yet in many ways i have no feel.

2011 has been an unusual year.

This is the year I finally left my baggage behind. Not just rv with mum. But rv with a group that i had given the most i have ever given anyone.

This is the year I started afresh with dakota. T n B, I am sure, like dakota much better. And so do I. This is the year, I settled all mum's affairs.

This is the year I embarked finally on my masters. yes, i have always been academically inclined. But life has taught me to be practical. Meeting my lecturer tomorrow. Whether I will embark on the dissertation route remains to be seen. In stepping out of nush, i have actually also obstructed my own way. Good friends had advised me to stay for the dissertation sake. But I felt, well, let me venture out. At most, I dont complete my Masters. That is the bottom line. I was prepared to pay that price. I will seek other avenues. We will see.

This is the year I finally end my journey with nush. Yes, 很多遗憾。But i still say, it is necessary. And in this place, I have made many wonderful friends that have really made alot of difference to me. And though some of us have left or are leaving, we have maintained our friendship.

I have always told my kids, the value of your person is in yourself. Not in marks, grades, status, position. It is not easy to say that. Harder to believe it. At this time, when I am technically 'jobless', it is hard also for me to believe in myself. I almost wonder if it is a dream that I can teach. True, I have teaching tasks awaiting me, but they are temporary posts, almost akin to relief teaching. I got my timetable today. And for some moments, I wavered. Will I be able to deliver? I dont know. But I will know.

The ironic thing is the course I am pursuing, Gifted Education is the other spectrum of the place i am teaching. I feel for both ends of the spectrum. I followed all the comments in the article that stuart recommended in fb. People dont understand Gifted Education.

GE is not elite. It really is not. There are some minds that are attuned in a different way and they really need to be with their own to florish. To subject them to the same curriculum is not good for their development. That is not elite. But to lavish them with material enticements and glorious recognition is elitism.

But it is true that the mainstream has so little. And I feel very sorry for the kids who need so much but are given so little. What should one do in the end?

I dont know which path I would ultimately take. I cant take systems, and hence will never be a permanent mainstream teacher because i cant stand the bureaucracy and expected conformity. I didnt subscribe when I was young. I will not at this age.

My academic training is in the other end of the spectrum. Mainly because, I am a thinker. Not an achiever. A thinker. In the acronym PATH, at least I fulfilled 3 of the symbolic representations. Actually, they are not compatible. Achievers are the ones that are extoled. Thinkers are the one that torment themselves. Pioneers may not see the end. And true humanistarian is often obscured. Ironic. Life is ironic.

So 2012 will be a year I will need to find myself, and find my direction....

===========================
on a sidenote, sy is coming to spore and will be putting up at my place. Good timing. This will help defray and distract from that finality when i drive out of nush come 30 dec 2011.

Yes my heart aches... badly. I have put my heart and soul in the pioneering work. Four long years.

So yes, it pains....sometimes a dull ache...sometimes really very very sad....

2011-12-24T22:49:00.002+08:00

i suddenly dont feel like teaching anymore. cant remember feeling like that before. or maybe i had. in the drying up process these past weeks, alot withered.

i know it is ironic. i dont want to teach just for exams. but who really wants teaching mainly for values anyway?

o well.

by this time next year, we will know if this is just momentary...

Results

2011-12-21T09:46:00.003+08:00

After every module, I would figure out a range of 3 grades (high, mid, low) I could get. In the first sem, for the first 2 modules, i hit the mid-grade of my expectations for both. That was ok, after all, I have no idea whatsoever of the standard. For the second sem, I did 4 modules, so that was quite challenging.

Checked my result at 0810, and yes, it is finally out. For 2 modules, i got the high expected grade, and for 2 modules, I got the low expected grade. I have to say, I was disappointed. Quite. I guess, because I put in alot more effort for the ones I didnt do as well.

The irony is, for the one that I got the 'high' grade with the exam component, I was so busy with marking exam papers etc and other stuff in school, honestly i hardly studied. And i did not do well for the quiz, so I kind of just try to get by, hoping I would not hit the grade with the same pronunciation as my name. To get the 'high' grade, I would need to score almost full marks. I really didnt expect to get it so really i should be happy. Somehow, I cant say I am. Sigh, this is really an anticlimax.

When there are 'good' news and 'bad' news, the impact of the 'bad' always over-rides the 'good'. Or is it me? I guess, how one feels is proportionate to how much heart one puts in, and the corresponding expectations.

Its not to say, I hadnt done fairly ok. Cap is still above 4, which is supposed to be good for post-grad, not to say, i have not studied for more than 2 decades and managing four modules amidst teaching is really a feat.

But, I am still very disappointed.

There is a very remote possibility of pursuing an academic path. This somehow make me feel, perhaps, I am really not cut out for academics.

O well..... sigh!

No Reflections....

2011-12-20T22:34:00.005+08:00

i wonder if this reflection drought is due to the drying up of the brain; no event or mundaneness.

somehow i seemed very busy, but i didnt get alot of things done. So there is ALOT to do now. And i would need to complete them, as the year comes to a close soon. At the moment, i am just feeling placid. Good or bad i dont know.

To say, i wont miss being at nush (when 2012 steps in) would be impossible. But seriously, when i see the list of things that had to be done for the year ahead had i stayed, I must say, I am very glad, very very glad, not to be caught in the endless pile of things to do.

The kids started a facebook for me, becos I wanted to keep in touch with the other kids, actually this batch of year 3s. Year sixes and i have a bond that is just there. In a way, i wondered if i should have started it. i find facebook rather like a 'social gathering', and well, really, not me. But, it gives me a peek to know what the kids are doing, so, well, i guess, that serves its purpose. Here, i am myself.

On a positive note, i have been more observant of my diet. Ever since the kids came, I have made some attempt to have more home cooked meals, taking more salad and fruits. Partly also cos tk 'nags' in his way. That in itself can keep one rather busy, more marketing and shopping for groceries, preparation, and effort. Have also done more walks, including a 5 hour tree top walk on sat. Headaches did reduce significantly, just to about a third, which is good. And each week, there are different people to catch up, and again that is interesting.

there are people you enjoy the company, cant explain why. there are people who are really very nice, but somehow, you are glad the company is just one-off. again, cant explain why.

have also been seeing young people of different categories. i must say, i am glad, i am no longer young. i dont ever want to go thru the conflicts, decisions, considerations.... actually in overthinking, over-considering, i have made many unwise decisions. Met up with a young lady today, ex student. whilst i understood alot of what she was saying and could see where she could be heading, which is not what i would wish for her ~ wisdom avoids prescriptions, though, perspectives were given. I thought of the couple that dropped by 2 days ago, and we talked till 1am. You can only share, and hope each find their way to establish themselves, be happy, and in turn contribute for the generation after them.

=================================
Finally, as it always has been, somehow, it is always alone again. Naturally. Do I mind? Not really. I am content. I only want placidness. I dare not have more. It would mean more to lose.

I thought of that question that bernard asked that day.... i guess the answer would differ from time to time, from person to person, from circumstance to circumstance.

at the moment, i just feel quite dried up. And not particularly looking forward to the year ahead either. Still waiting for my results....

The Perils of Wilful Blindness

2011-12-16T19:41:00.003+08:00

I have always wondered how people can blindly obey commands when they should/could see that things are not what it should be. Nothing can be explained by one reason, witness the horror of the holocaust. Or even as simple as the Emperor's best clothes fable. Fable or not, the fact is, some things are obviously not right, yet no one questions or at least raise issues.( I dont mean that kind of online ranting)

Reading this article extracted from Review section in Straits Times today helped give some perspective.

"...most people, when asked to perform a wholly unethical act, will do so. This is not because they are bad people. Such behaviour, Milgram argued, is inevitable when we join organisations because our focus shifts, from being good people to doing good work. And we see good work as doing what we are told.

We aren't just obedient; we are also highly conformist...... In other words, what we see depedns on what we know others have seen. Seeing is a social act....

.....Most challenging of all is the critical need to celebrate mistakes and value debate. Mistakes are how we learn and cultures which hide them learn nothing. Likewise, the organisation in which there is little debate turns out to be the one where there is little thinking."

Margaret Heffernan
====================================
Debate should not be merely a rhetoric of pitting verbose skills or clever manouvering of viewpoints. And true, cultures which hide mistakes learn nothing.

But which culture will admit mistake and learn? And how many leaders can allow and initate debate?

And is conformism so inevitable as stated by Milgram? It depends on what one values....

Breaking Inertia

2011-12-10T23:47:00.010+08:00

Cooking

Over the last 11 months, though I keep saying I would start cooking, it never happened. The first person that actually made use of my kitchen was Junyan. That was the start of moving the inertia.

I knew when the 403s come, I could have opted for ordering food in. It is more than 2 years since I really cooked. The inertia was great, but the incentive was greater. I decided to cook. There was alot more work than I could manage. I have certainly slowed down. Age. Sigh. But I still got a few decent dishes out, especially the curry. Nothing makes me happier than to hear, this taste like home-cooked curry. And so it did.

I must get back into form with cooking. sk and zl were looking forward to it. It isnt just cooking, its the marketing, planning, and most of all, it is the remembrance of what makes mum's home a home, her cooking.

Frankly, it didnt turn out the way i wanted ie i had hoped, i could get the whole range of food out like buffet. but alas, my back was breaking, and it was easier to cancel a couple of dishes, and relied on the grill and self-cook stuff.

conversations are as usual, hypothetical, comical, and fun.
=================================
Midnight Walk

Finally, 9 camped overnite. Wanted to bring them to see the very nice bridge, but of course, as usual, my sense of direction was iffy. Didnt take the path I wanted, and well, in the end, we took a long time to reach the bridge. But it was a very nice midnight walk.

I had felt bad not knowing where I was heading; but all the kids were very nice about it. Seriously, they are one of the nicest people around. Thinking, yet easy-going; independent in thought, yet, good listeners and very considerate. If these were my kids, i would really be very fortunate. Just having them as ex-students is itself a joy.

I lived 40 years of my life, with 2 persons that are intolerant of errors and weakness. One could call them perfectionist which they were, but actually, what they show are traits of obsessive compulsive disorder (ocd). Things must be done their way. And anything not in line with the way they want, they showed their unhappiness, with little regard to others. Sometimes causing utter misery. What they see as their 'stand'/ 'standard' is actually, selfishness and self-seeking. If I had led them in the wrong path, and took a much longer route, I would have to bear the brunt of vent and tirade.

That is a very long time to be under such a shackle. And it has its impact. I came across another character, not as strong, but with the same tendencies. That brought alot of unpleasant memories. Thankfully, I was able to struggle out of it, and refuse to be a victim of people with ocd, and be bullied by them.

In that sense, I am always worried about making mistakes that affect others, as i was when I realised I didnt know which way to walk. To be assured again and again by the kids, that it was alright even if we didnt reach our destination, that the company was all everyone enjoyed, there was no goal to reach, no need to think too much (though we did need to get back!), made this walk a very pleasant one for me.

No longer under pressure, under bonds, and expectation. And a few of us saw a falling star. It was memorable to me. And I recalled a similar walk at the start of the year. So actually this year, has started in a pleasant way, and looked like, it is heading toward a pleasant end.

==============================
It was a lovely time. The boys will be enlisted soon. And the girls will be going to uni. This is a precious moment before the diverging path. Seriously, I am really fortunate to have met such wonderfully nice kids.

I am glad to have broken that inertia. I used to be very tough on myself. I have since learnt, no need. Only when one is ready, then move on, and forward.

Thanks, kids, for giving me that incentive to. Just by being yourself.

update...

2011-12-08T00:24:00.002+08:00

everyday, i managed to settle things bit by bit. Today, returned all nie library bks and paid my fine.

unexpectedly, had a long conversation with xxx. It was a good conversation, and I was gratified. There had been alot of misunderstandings, wrong assumptions that dated as far back as 3 years back. It wasnt that I didnt think of clarifying. I have learnt if the time is not right, whatever said would only be further misunderstood. I had noted a change in tone, and had only intended to just be cordial. So, when the other party had understood on her own the original positive intent that was cast in the 'wrong' light, and acknowledged things positively, I was actually happy. Whilst there was a tinge of , if these entangled mesh had been cleared earlier, would it have been different? I think no, everyone decides on the path they embarked for their own reasons. It could have helped, but that was not the crux.

Suffice for me to have the air cleared, a thing I had given up as being possible. So I was happy. Actually quite happy. Because I had put in alot of heart and care. I didnt expect that it would be remembered and appreciated.

=======================
Had been planning what to cook for the kids coming on fri. Drove to cold storage in the evening. This is prob just about 4-5 times I had been to cold storage over the last 2 years. I avoided it. For over ten years, I brought mum every week to do groceries there.

Today for the first time, I could stroll along each aisle, recall and reflect. I cant describe the tranquility. I could face it finally.

I hadnt cook properly for 2 years. I know I am beginning to walk out of the tunnel, not by avoiding, but by facing it. Time really does heal.

Hadnt cook for so long, i am not sure what it would be like. But, i am excited! 14 of them! :)

I dont know what each day may bring, but i know the blessing of each day must not be taken for granted.

Random ~ Oxymorons

2011-12-05T23:06:00.003+08:00

Circle Line
Lined Circle?

Deafening Silence
Silent Roar

Bitter Sweet
Sweet Bitterness

Idle Business
Busy Idling

Smart fool
Foolish smartness?

Unknown fame
Famous Unknown?

polite audacity
audacious politeness

young aged
aged youth

open secret
secretly open

advanced retreat
Retreating advance

ok ten pairs are enough.

2011-12-04T23:21:00.004+08:00

Have moved back 95% of stuff. Would need a few days to clear the remaining in school to respective persons, and then, that is the end of one phase.

======================================
As for what is ahead:

If i didnt do anything much for next year, except to teach the less privileged kids, that would have been sufficient for me. I remembered very vividly when cecilia's death hit me in june, I asked myself, if that was me, what was left that i would have felt I should have done.

I didnt want to take risk waiting for some more years. who knows how many days one has?

Completing the masters would be a bonus.

=====================================
things are not good at some fronts. ls needs eye op next feb. She has only 30% sight left. So the stakes are high. And her sis is in final stage in ca. And ky is not out of the deeps.

talked openly to both of them. I just want to live each day meaningfully. Whether in life, in death, to live unto God. I can make as much provision as i can for them, and will definitely do so. But in the end, everyone has to bear their own burden. Each of us must know whom we have believe.

whether i feel sad or not is not the point. One must live with purposefulness of heart for others.

yes, i feel very sad. Alot to say, but best left unsaid.

There is Hope. Faith. And Love. Charity never faileth

====================================
busy week ahead. And looking forward to the kids visit end of the week. hard not to smile just to think of them. :)

goodbyes by phases...

2011-12-02T23:26:00.003+08:00

i knew it wont be easy, though i have to say, it had not hit as hard as i had feared. at least not so far.

partly becos, it really is the time.

the diffusion of the goodbyes by stages had helped. But mainly becos, i have had so many good and lovely memories. The kids goodbyes were in two phases, year 3s then the natural graduation of year 6s.

the past 2 weeks, had many good heart to heart chats with some close colleagues. With a few, it was wordless. The mutual understanding need not be spoken. To say, there is no impact both ways would be an untruth. I know it did upset a few though they knew it was inevitable. And the ways they expressed their comradeship, buddiness, neighbourliness are very sweet and warm.

Received a card from an unexpected source with this quote from Mother Teresa which I thought was really meaningful:

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

Mother Teresa

================================================
have moved back perhaps a third of my things. To mitigate that feeling of 'loss' which is inevitable, we meet up abit more often now, and will try to keep in touch, to assure continuity of friendship.

I have truly been very blessed to have receive so much warmth, sincerity, and friendship. Goodbyes are inevitable, but to feel loved and cared for by those you value, i just feel blessed. I am counting blessings, and am grateful for every kindness and support. Thank you.

December

2011-12-01T22:30:00.006+08:00

Today, finally, I closed all mum's matters. I should have completed them earlier. It wasnt that bad. But I just wasnt ready. Took S1 along so that well, there was a witness.

Alot of thoughts passed through my mind as I drove. If I could turn back the clock again, I would have done all I had for them, and much, much more. Particularly for dad. I wondered vaguely whether all these subconscious thoughts would appear in dreams, as it had.

But I told myself, must be positive and move on.

When we passed rv, we saw the erection of tent for funeral parlour. It was the passing of the neighbour's father - the last of that first generation of occupants. After we completed the tasks, S1 and I dropped by to pay our respects. rv is getting really run down. Quite a few owners had sold like me. The enbloc didnt take off. The sold units were rented mainly to foreigners. I heard at nite, there can be 30 bicycles parked there. Yes, I remembered the perpetual parking problem. Am glad to be out of that situation. I had to give in to so many people because having brought up there, I didnt want to break 'harmony'. When you consider for others, it always means you are at the losing end. I really was glad to get out of the place. It really was getting unsavoury.

The neighbour said I just disappeared, and never came back.

There is a song "Memories" from the show "The way we were" sung by Babara Streisland (i think), and the last line was

"Whats too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget".

Sometimes, that is necessary.

=====================================================

Actually for the past 2 weeks and up to next week, practically every day, I met up with one or another among my friends, colleagues and students. Today, its el. She is keeping busy with varied teaching tasks. I have to admit, that is not what I would want. I would need to seriously consider....

Monday, I finally took a walk with kuech at macrirchie. I didnt realise it was so near to marymount station. It was a good walk. kuech said i was fit, cos the others she walked with gave up half-way and never came back again save claire. And she didnt slow down for me, so I am fit! Next week, 3 of us will walk again. Something nice for childhood/teenage friends to be together at this point of our life.

gratifying to be in touch with people i knew from a kiddie in primary school to secondary, jc, uni, and also students, and colleagues through the 5 schools I taught. Very gratifying.

there is one conspicuous gap though.... will that ever be breached?

whatever.

i can only wait....

==================================
alot alot more matters yet to complete, must do so.

祈福楼

2011-11-29T23:08:00.007+08:00

(I know I looked awfully tired in the photo, but the 6 looked good! And 祈福楼 is just in front of xitong)

i am not writing because there are alot of thoughts to write. I am writing to capture moments. Moments I want to remember.

today, the prc scholars i had taught in 2008, junyan, xitong, mao ye, yuanxi, shen dai, jiangran came to my place. They would be leaving for china next week, and after that, how things will fall out is anybody's guess. Some may go US, UK, Switzerland; a few may stay in Spore. When I will see them again, I dont know.

I always have a soft spot for students that came over to study. It is a young age to leave their family at 15 or 16, or even younger. When I was in charge of scholars in my other school, I would invite them over to my place for a meal. To me, that is hospitality. Mum agreed, and would cook for them.

So, i was glad to be able to invite them before each go their way. The girls cooked here (junyan was the expert cook), i added a couple of dishes. It was a good time, almost 7 hours. Shendai and Jiangran gave me a d-i-y 祈福楼 with a bell. Everyone signed on it. If you make a wish, and hit the bell 3 times with the 'gong' provided, your wish will come true somehow, Shendai said.

If I was to make a wish, I would wish we can have the same gathering together some years later, to know how each of them would be. I would wish they would all be well and happy.

They left just before 11. At the moment, when they left, I felt that pang, that 感慨。I didnt dare articulate farewell. It would be quite 伤感。 Didnt expect to feel that way. Actually, I always felt that pang when my students graduated batch by batch. But today's sense of poignancy was quite distinct, almost with that sense of 无奈. It is almost like a parent, seeing off their children abroad. They have to take flight to explore the unknowns, to secure their future. And it is for me to wish them well.

Maybe it is because unlike teaching in secondary schools, these are bigger kids. So the conversations were on a different platform.

Actually we had not been close the last 2 years. It was only the last 2 months that I caught up with a few of them because of reference letter. I was pleasantly surprise to realise they were still comfortable with me. The conversations over the past weeks were interesting, tracing their growth and understanding each better. And strangely, we converged on many points over issues, including what made a good teacher. Was glad in particular that they were appreciative of good teaching. Except they agreed they should have expressed it directly to the teacher directly, which they failed to, as in the case of dc, who really is an excellent teacher. sd said of all his math courses, he enjoyed ppv the most under dc. He should have said that to dc. Good teachers do not always get the encouragement that they need.

The dinner was meant really to be a gesture of hospitality. But it turned out to be a bonding, at least to me. Perhaps this is the end of a phase for me. For all I know, I may never see them again.

But, I am glad to have taught them, known them, and to have this gathering.

Wherever they go, whatever they be, I wish them well, very very well.

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。诚心地祝福你们。

This above all: to thine ownself be true

2011-11-25T00:12:00.005+08:00

"The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same.
Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”
~~Don Williams Jr~~

"I shall pass through this world but once.
Any good, therefore, that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.
Let me not defer nor neglect it,for I shall not pass this way again."

~~Stephen Grellet~~

===================================================
With this, I bid my colleagues adieu in a farewell email. These four long years have truly seen many twists and turns. Students, for all their variability, have been the constant factor.

Now that I had bid my kids farewell, this is the last lap, to say goodbye to the adults. Because I am all on my own with my two cats, the school has actually been my family. So it is much harder than people realise. Very hard. There are a couple of close buddies that I will miss very much. Its not going to be the same. I know. But it is better to have loved, and lost, than not to have love at all. I am glad to hav been close buddies with them.

There is a price to everything. I had taken a long time to arrive at this decision. In the end, weighing all things, I had to pay the price. And seeing how things are ahead, I have this feeling, I will opt for seclusion in the end.

Ideals and simplicity are costly. Because these are not valued or regarded. But, I am what I am.

"This above all: to thine ownself be true" ~ Hamlet, W. Shakespeare~

Take a deep breath. It pains now. But it will be okay. Just let enough time pass....hopefully this tunnel is not as dark, or as long...

=============================

its raining now... within, without...

Prom nite

2011-11-23T23:18:00.005+08:00

This is the first time in my life I attended students' prom nite. I had flatly refused in my other school because to me, it doesnt make sense to have prom at secondary school. Then I never liked social occasions.

But I was comfortable with this occasion. Cant explain why. Its not a social thing somehow. Its just a gathering, to share with their completing an important milestone of their life.

I was just comfortable from the start to the end. One of the things i dislike about social occasions is having to make small talks. There was no need to. The teachers I sat with were all those who like the batch and shared the same sentiments with me, seeing them grew over the years. We enjoyed the photo montage, figuring out who is who, laughing with them over some silliness; enjoying their performances. Basically, nothing was contrived. That was nice.

I liked to see them dressed up, especially the boys. :) Over the last 2 days, I managed to fulfil my wish, of taking photos with all the 8 girls of 403, singly or in a group. As for the boys, 12 out of 15. Not bad. The girls are all so pretty. And the boys are growing up to be gentlemen. I really like this big family.

Today is the third day over 3 weeks that I am painkiller free. I was a little worried that attending the dinner may trigger off the headache again. But despite the noise and crowd, it didnt. I can only sum the evening with 2 "c"s : Comfortable and Contentment

Whether I get the photos or not, each of them are captured in my mind. The thought did cross my mind as I was driving back, that this is truly the end. They have truly graduated, and we wont take photos like that again. One can give way to sentimentalism, and the sense of poignancy; but no, we must move on. They have a stretch ahead of them. Some may worry; some may have reservations and anxiety over the unknown. But I am sure these lovely memories, this comradeship, this comaraderie will propel them forward. And I want to wish them well; very well. And give them moral support.

These kids have really made me very happpy. Thank You! :D

=================================

It was particularly nice to catch up with fll and j ang at the dinner. There are some people you may not see for many years, yet there is this mutual bond, that we just picked up from where we left, and there is still that understanding and the same heart and mind. Really wonderful.

I like the way j settled in so comfortably in a neighbourhood school, and showed the same enthusiasm, optismism and care as I had seen him when he was a relatively young teacher at nush. He is a talent, and one that is truly compassionate and committed. Very heartening and encouraging. We need more of such people, who seek for the welfare of the next generation.

fll of course is, as always, in a class of her own, always humble, always inspiring, an exemplar in the teaching fraternity. A++ teacher. My role model.

I met both in my first year in nush, and really count it my privilege to have known them. Gratifying. Some day, we may work together again. And though that is highly unlikely, each of us, in our way, however small, each, wherever we are, are working for the same ideal. We may be at different schools, yet our objective is the same. No barriers. Its really a nice feeling.

I am content tonite. Very. Because it is so meaningful.

and the kids graduate...

2011-11-22T23:24:00.006+08:00

actually 'graduate' should be reserved for uni degree course. But now we have little 'graduates' from kindergarten to big 'graduates' from uni....

so well the kids graduate.

i was happy to see them do so. some still have that 'kiddish' look. some have grown taller. some hadnt. quite a few can see better (urm... well they didnt need glasses anymore), many have grown prettier...and they are as happy as ever!

four years to me, six years to them. What a wonderful way of growing up together. I like the valec speech. The stress of friendship, comradeship, holding hands moving forward. Nice.

Was I sentimental? Actually no. I cant say there is that sense of 'pride' that they had achieved. It wasnt any of their attainments that I am proud of. I was just happy to see them 'grown up'. I really like to see them! :)

If I was 'emo', it was at the school song bit. I always liked nush school song. It is very meaningful. And it will probably be the last time I am singing it. I really wish....

=========================

have seen and perceived alot more things these two days and am certain, decision has been right for myself. Its the kids that I have left behind that tugged at my heart. But that has been settled. Dont look back.

Now whats left? prom nite, reference letters, packing.... this is probably the hardest part....

and the first step to the less trodden path. I dont know where the path will lead. But I feel that sense of liberty. And simplicity.

No longer shackled to conjured grandoise, delusive glory, convoluted duplicity, lofty illusions.

=========================

Returning back to simple in virtue, steadfast in duty. This is the foundation of my education.

=========================

I hope the kids will value the foundation that had been laid, and built upon it, their aspirations, with diligence guided by a good conscience, and never allow covetousness, vain glory and pride to overtake them.

2011-11-20T07:18:00.003+08:00

There is a saying, Problem that money can solve is not a problem. In principle, I agree. I come into the world with nothing. I will leave with nothing. Money never means much to me, except to provide for family, and not to be a burden to others.

But solving a problem with money in some situation, to keep 'harmony', is that the solution? Deep inside, I had perceived the root. But perception does not solve 'problems'. Whenever I perceived the root is in the intent of persons, to 'keep harmony', I will walk away from it. How do i, in this instance?

I am so thankful to have sk as my sister. She is non-thinking. And that is the lovely part of it all. Its not tiring to be with her because she is what she is. And she cares unconditionally. The bestest sister.

last day of term and other matters

2011-11-18T21:06:00.015+08:00

Personally, I am thankful I remained compose through the day. I dont know if it is because the continual medication has made me numb. Or that I have been so exhausted that I didnt reach that level of sentiments. Or that I am so weather beaten, I got use to goodbyes.

I did not allow myself to think about today at all. I kept my mind focused on one thing: dont upset anyone. I made the decision, I must walk it. I had wanted to tell them alot more especially toward the last few lessons. But I didnt. There was so much to cover and complete. More important to revise for their exams. There should be time. But there wasnt. No time. No energy.

The kids mean more to me than they realise. I can picture and see every single one in my mind's eye. I didnt need photos for remembrance. Throughout the times in class, I captured the way they listened, the way they wrote, the way we interacted in my mind. That was the way I 'took' their photos. I have alot to tell each one of them. I want to tell them to remember their strengths and be positive. I want to tell them to know their weakness and strengthen them. i want to tell them, pick yourself up when you fall. I want to tell them dont hurt people. I want to tell them, work hard, push boundaries, excel. And when you have done so, serve with your heart, not just your mind. I want to tell them, remember those much less than you. I want to tell them about noblesse oblige.

But there wasnt time. I cheerfully bid them goodbye and continually assure them, I am within reach anytime. I also realised at that moment, there was no need for goodbye speech. Not only is it not really appropriate when so many things are going on in school. I realised I have been saying all this in different forms throughout the year. And I realised, it is not that speech of the moment. It is the consistency throughout. I have done that. And so many of them have grown. So, suddenly, I felt all that I want to say, I have said it over the year. Those that would learn, will learn.

The short notes they wrote were enough. The girls were sweet. I hugged them. And I didnt cry. Not outwardly. For those who did, I remember it. Its only that moment. Their sadness will pass. I will be there for them when they need. Actually, I wished I had spent alot more time talking to each of them.

But, I must let go now. They will be fine. They have alot. And they are good kids. At least I dont have to worry about their welfare. For they are in good hands.

I will really miss them. Thankfully, year 6 would be leaving. I am glad to be witnessing their convo.
===================================================

I always like to talk to parents, sharing with them their concerns; hearing about the lives of their kids. Many meaningful conversations.

Being exhausted helped. I hope I wont feel the impact later. I still have not gone through the packing etc. I have to take a deep breath and hang on still.
===================================================

i note when each move on from stage to stage, frame of thought changes, as would be expected. But it is strange how people would assume that others would then follow along their change.

I know values need to be taught, but there are some things that should be natural, in the conscience? I believe it is important to look after your loved ones in life. In death, remembrance is constant in the heart. Any other external means of expression, if shown, is accordance to one's regard/belief. What is done in life is the crux. Did you do your part to them in life?

When people reached a certain phase, they know end is nearer, and some made preparations for how the end rites/remains would be arranged. To each their own belief. But why pressed for issues to make arrangements according to what they feel is best for others as well? In life, they did not really know what mum wanted. Why made arrangements for changes to suit themselves? And by changing what mum had explicitly expressed in her will? Who knows best what she had wanted?

I have procrastinated this last matter to attend to since March. I was troubled by 'well-meaning' suggestion and had not been able to be clear what to do. I just felt there was something not quite in order, but yet couldnt explain. At least to them. So I didnt do anything. I did say recently I will settle the matter next week.

Receiving the message today helped me come to a firm decision. Further 'suggestions'.The suggestion sounded logical and noble. But at whose expense? If one really remembers mum, the last one should do, is to suggest alterations. If one really cares to be noble and considerate, then pay the price. No one needs to know.

There is a price to everything. It is just whether one needs to say what is the price. And whether one paid it. And if you really care, nothing is too much to pay.

I had wanted to settle things quietly. Why bring up issues? And if I agree to meeting for discussion, where would it lead?More 'suggestions'? Why should there be a discussion when her wish had been explicitly stated in the will? Using consideration of paying respects to mum and using S1 not so fortuitous circumstance as appeal had made it very difficult. Especially religious matter being involved. But their final suggestion helped me. I replied firmly. I finally knew what to do.

Mum is gone. I will follow her instructions with no add-ons. There is no room for negotiation. I will settle everything next week. The matter is closed. So it will be. But it doesnt mean, I dont mind all these manoevres. I mind. Alot. It hurts. And coming at this time, is not a good time. But, at whatever time, it is not good.

Didnt tell sk. No need for another person to be disturb. sk and me have the same mind. That is my greatest consolation. The instructions were given to me only. Actually, I am proud of the fact that mum's judgement of me was right, despite all our conflicts. I was the 'son' she wanted. She did not place her hopes in her sons. She knew my mind will be clear.

I remembered one of her last words to me, dont cry, it will make your mind confused, and you need to think clearly. I had replied, I didnt cry. Dont worry. I will think clearly. And I still have. I did not fail her. I will follow all that she wished. I didnt and wont let her down. its the least and the only thing I can do.

Leopard does not change its spots. To the end, the same disposition is shown. Those that would learn, will learn. Those that wont, wont. I harbour hopes for the best for people i shouldnt... This is my weakness.

The path is very alone.

But I am used to it.

myriad of thoughts....

2011-11-16T22:53:00.006+08:00

in some ways, today is the first easing-off day. By right it should have been yesterday. But the horrible pounding head made yesterday a total washout, and very unfruitful.

actually, i see and learn alot today. After invigilation, i got the opportunity to see some special learning programs and talk to a few people, and see things from different perspective. It added another dimension to me. I have always been conscious about the frog in the well analogy and had kept up with reading and thinking. But I realised sometimes seeing things first hand helps to broaden the scope. But most of all, its the enthusiasm of kids and of instructors that infuse the same kind of joy and excitement as I felt in classroom. Its such a joy to see kids learn, and through sound pedagogy.

someone wrote recently, there is no utopia in any place; but there is some utopia in every place. Alot of wisdom in these words.

On reflecting, these are my thoughts: Its not that when you see something works well, that can be translated or replicated. But one needs to appreciate what is positive. That five hours were really well spent. Still pondering the various viewpoints, particularly of one individual who is really an extraodinary math educator. Hope there may be yet opportunity for me to learn more from him.

I have to admit that which was quite inspiring was spoilt by that pop magazine from popular. Had gone there to get things that i promised kyc. Collected that in house magazine just on the way. When i got back and flipped through it, I was shocked to see the advertisements of so many tuition institutes. It took up 40 pages or more. And each purport to produce results backed by students testimony.

what kind of education landscape is this? If they are the reasons for students success (and i think some of their claims are true), then what is happening?

I suppose i should know. But in the past, there werent so many open advertisements. I thought when IP track was established, taking away one stage of exam, it would reduce reliance on tuition, and that would mean more focus on learning in school. But there were so many institutes that also came up with tuition for IP schools.

I am not against tuition. But it should only be a support for those who really need. Its the adviertisments tha troubled me. When such claims are made, what does it mean? Scoring 'A's is equivalent to education? I thought our society was moving towards higher values; to be more thinking. Whats this?

So I still live in my ideal dream. I remembered my teacher telling me, I was too idealistic, and will change when I grew up. Then when i grew up, my colleagues, my principal, my students said i was too idealistic. But cannot say I will change cos i still hadnt.

Its sad. But I wont change. At the height of 'hope', I did sometimes think there is a possibility of advocating for change.

But realistically, strength is ebbing. Actually i wanted to rest, but i have noticed some lapse is memory. I told myself, today is a meaningful day. I need to write, to keep record. Need to remember the positive. Am glad to have seen positive efforts by educators that care. What you cant change, dont bother. Keep ideals, and walk your own path.

========================
will slow down....and do a myriad of different things....thankfully, they are there....will abide by time to decide on the final course.

blss kids had kept in touch. Each of the boys are going thru their rough ride in their different ways. It is quite a consolation that they regarded me as a mentor, for assurance. Of course they are no longer kids, should be 22 by now. It reminded me of the meaningfulness of that stint . That was 6 years back. My energy level is really not the same. It wont be so easy when i undertake the adjunct teaching in a similar sch environment as blss. Though it is not a long term commitment, I should want to see the kids thru their O levels. Its not without worry, but whenever i hear from blss kids, it is a motivation to walk ahead. This is my service learning. And I hope it will bear some fruit.

=======================
ls sister is critical. Last stage ca. And she is young. Who knows the number of one's days? its when one sees the reality of life, and the inevitableness thereof, one learns, see things in perspective and in proportion. Yes, we are all insignificant. Who remembers who has been, when who no longer be?

Am still a pelican in the wilderness....and no sparrow is watching.

The Lord alone is true. His mercies endureth forever.

Completed

2011-11-14T23:10:00.003+08:00

Yes, i managed to complete the literature review, and submitted on the dot online 5pm, but the hard copy was 45 minutes late into her pigeon hole.

too tired and dazed to write further.

This is to keep record: yes, i completed the final work to round off the semester of 4 modules. I am so thankful to make it! And most of all, to have really learnt from it.

Was surprised to get an email feedback for one of my module assignment. I sometimes think, one learns more, by realising what one lacked, than that one has fulfilled all the criteria to perfection. I am grateful for her perceptive remarks. That had enhanced my learning.

And for those kind souls that are concern, thanks! :)

thoughts on friends...

2011-11-10T22:05:00.004+08:00

yes, one module down...and one more essay to go. exam was much better than expected. Its just i hadnt done as well as i should for the essay etc. Well, at least i hope i should be able to avert a grade that sounded like my name.

probably i had been nostalgic, but in particular today, i thought of friends. first of all, i am very grateful to the coursemate who by sharing, had encouraged me to study. I am not a person that can do things for myself, or to prove myself for the sake of it. I dont see the point. Thats why i never go far in achievement, not that i have that much ability.

But i respond to kindness. And like everyone else, encouragement. To have a friend, you must first be a friend. It works both ways. This past week was really hard, and I was really giving up, especially cos of the prolong nagging head.

I realised how different it is to run a race when someone pace you. Actually running is a lonely sport, but it is the only sport i liked. Not that i run anymore. Not that I even take a walk anymore.
========================
continuing with thoughts of friends....

things have been very different since dc and sy left. But there is one that has been such a faithful, loyal companion, and a marvellous help and support ~ ld. I am really going to miss the times we do so many things together, and talk about so many things in teaching. He is so keen to learn, so attentive to listen, and will imbibe so many teaching points. Honestly I am amazed that he remained so alert, so enquiring. I thought he should get bored by now, or feel he knows it all, but he isnt. Most of all, he is very very considerate, and in subtle ways.

A bond sealed by common principles and values is that that would last. I am fully aware that he feel very sad for the impending change. I told him, he will remain my friend for life. He has really been most special. The pang and sadness felt is inevitable. I suddenly thought, must take a photo with him. I hate photos, but this is special. Actually, i 'adopted' him after we knew that I started teaching the year he was born.

To this special BIG kid, this wonderful large hearted kind soul, my SUPER best friend ~ my heartfelt thanks.

==============================
there is one or two that i blocked out. I remembered sy telling me, you wont be hurt if you dont care, and dont regard the person as a friend. It was hard, but i learnt. alot come back to me at this time. but I will block them out.

the atm i use always display a quote. Today the quote displayed was by Abraham Lincoln

"Nearly all man can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

I thought how true.

========================

and he sent some more notes!

2011-11-10T00:36:00.002+08:00

seriously what a very nice chap!!!

He contributed the answers to every question he had shared, and sent it to both of us for feedback! I am too whacked to do anything now, but seeing this email gives me impetus to give him feedback as well (after I have slept!) as try harder for the exam later today (its now thursday, alas, and no i had other things to complete, so didnt get down to study. sigh!).

u can come across many not nice people, but one very nice one more than make up for it! :)

2011-11-09T21:31:00.004+08:00

kids are the most innocent. they are the ones that will ask directly, how do you know?

honestly, i cant explain how i know. but i know. i just sensed it.

i remembered one student wrote very very long ago, how it intrigued them that i always seem to know what was happening, what they were thinking.

apart from it being an innate perception, that is inexplicable, long years of being in peculiar situations, and that from young, sharpened insights. It is bemusing to see the way people masked their intent in various forms.

altho actually not so amusing if they were people that you had helped. Sad. Quite sad. But that was not unexpected either. One had hoped for changes, for better things. Kindness does not always beget kindness. Much less respect.

there are few, very very few that truly seek for the good of others. Is that new?

====================================

Define values.

At best, one can only impart what one has. whatever one has. At best.

Silence is indeed golden.

=======================================
Only 2 other of my coursemates are doing the course part-time, like me, and struggling to cope.

One of them emailed this morning, sharing reference that would be of help to forthcoming exam tomorrow. He is the one that is doing well and best among the 3 of us. He felt all the more he should help us, though he is also buried under work.

its always very refreshing to see humanity and receive unsolicited kindness.

think of the things that are pure, that are lovely, that are of good report....

that was a silver lining.

is that bad?? is that good??

2011-11-08T21:15:00.003+08:00

actually i really have no time to do anything considering i have done NOTHING to revise for my exam 45 hours 45 min from now, and am now going down with flu symptoms.....but since the head is not working, might as well zzzzzzz for awhile.

and the whole day was spent clearing one thing or the other.... and brownee threw up all the food in her guts + diarrhoea at 1+am, so that wasnt much of a nite either...

and i have finally decided (2 hours ago) that i cannot proceed with the topic of my essay, and will change direction altogether (which i am not sure how my lecturer is going to take it, since she has attempted to 'force' me to do something last week, and i am going to abandon it!!!) and no, i have not found the direction yet.... actually, this assignment is the preliminary to the research part, and i really dont want to do something just for the sake of it....so hmmm....its going to be a kind of deadlock at the moment...i have up to 14 nov 5pm to hand in, or fail the module.... o well....
===============================

but the main reason why i am writing is becos i want to say this.... it is strange how that bond with 403 kids remain the same... it was really nice to see them in canteen this morning, and so many of them....and they are always so happy, even when they lament of their lack of good results.... i wonder if i should have been harsher with them, and nag them to work really hard....

as gyl said, "i am not ambitious', it seems like most of them are not. Is that bad? i dunno. I dont want them to be underachievers, yet, again because of the way they are, they are always happy. Is that good? I dunno. Some people are never happy. But these kids are, and seeing them always make me happy.

the thing about being in school, is, nothing is really planned. u come down for breakfast, and then suddenly one appeared, then so many appeared, and that makes it rather spontaneous. and i realised i have only one more school week left....

still, they made me happy today....jus by being who they are. I really should have pushed them harder....sigh o well...maybe thats why we 'click' :)

leadership....

2011-11-07T13:06:00.002+08:00

if one read the dire financial crisis of Greece, one wonders about her leaders....

"The Greek people, meanwhile, battered by two years of stringent austerity measures that have crippled the economy and sent unemployment soaring, appear to have had more than enough of their squabbling leaders."The people are suffering at the moment and they (politicians) are not budging," said Marianna, a shopkeeper."

Channelnewsasia Published: 7 Nov 2011

============================
If one reads about the floods in Thailand, particularly Bangkok, seriously we should be thankful that being such a tiny island, we have been mercifully protected by factors of nature, as well as prudent planning amidst urbanisation. Give credit where credit is due.

"It may sound like a drastic scenario, but there is little doubt that Bangkok will have to act if it wants to avoid the fate of the fabled sunken city of Atlantis."

Channelnewsasia Published: 7 Nov 2011

===========================
And it behoves leaders and all not to take their respective roles for granted; assuming they will be blessed; assuming that they know it all; assuming things would never happen to them.

Sternberg's illustration of the fallacies of failed leaders should really be taken to heart, by all, leaders or not.

...thinking about thinking...

2011-11-06T22:18:00.005+08:00

My essay topic will be about thinking; thats my choice. ok, what about thinking? How do you define, distinguish between critical thinking, creative thinking, higher order thinking, problem solving? Are they the same? Ok think about it.

===================================
I read this article twice, and both times, the same passage struck me. I quote:

" Wisdom is the use of one's knowledge and skills for a common good, by balancing one's own with other people's and larger interests, over the long as well as short terms, through the infusion of positive ethical values. Wise people make an effort to understand other people's points of view and to take those points of view into account in their thinking (Sternberg, 2003).

When one observes failed leaders, one rarely find that they failed because they were stupid. More often, they fail because they are uncreative. But even more often, they fail because they are smart but unwise; in other words, they are foolish.

Failed leaders tend to show a cluster of fallacies in thinking. These fallacies include
(a) unrealistic optimism - the belief that just because they have an idea, it must be a good idea that will succeed on implementation;

(b) egocentrism - the belief that the world revolves round them;

(c) false omniscience - the belief that they know it all;

(d) false omnipotence - the illusion that they are all powerful;

(e) false invulnerability - the belief that they, like Superman cannot be harmed (except, perhaps, by the elusive kryptonite bullet); and

(f) ethical disengagement- the belief that ethics are important for other people but not for themselves.

excerpt from "From Intelligence to Leadership: A Brief Intellectual Autobiography" Robert J. Sternberg, Gifted Child Quarterly 2011, 55, 309-312

============================================
My thoughts to the above:

(a) amazing that the characteristics should be so universal.
(b) would any of such leaders know/believe they are 'failed'?
(c) for those who would be leaders, do take note that these observations are real. If you really aspire to be a leader, you would need to consider the antithesis of the above of what would make a wise and good leader. And live them. Not study as a theory.
(d) and if you dont have what it takes, dont be a leader, and cause misery to others.

Like it or not, leadership and intelligence (not the lack of it) are closely correlated. The above is couched in a rather polite theory of fallacies. If one wants to be blunt, one can reduce each of the above belief to adjectival characteristics. I am tempted to turn the above into a 'calling a spade a spade' vocabulary exercise just for entertainment.

But I digress...i have to get my essay out......

where do i go from here?

2011-11-06T19:25:00.003+08:00

November entered rather unceremoniously. For the past weeks, the focus is only on meeting one deadline after another, and not thinking beyond the immediate 24 hours. My only consolation is, in that space, i did not neglect people.

Just read the quote:

"Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people." ~ Albert Einstein

But it wasnt easy, and my temper was frayed. Sometimes I do wish I dont have that special insight that made me see through alot of things. And people. But I should look beyond....look at nobler goals. Whatever others are, one has to be true to oneself, and above all, to one's conscience.

To say, It hasnt been easy, is really an understatement. I actually said to my coursemate a few days ago, I think I am going to cry. She looked at me, quite bewildered cos I was still smiling. I told her, dont worry, I am joking. I can manage.

But actually, I really was going to cry. I would, if i allow myself to. But i didnt. There was so much to do, and I had to meet up with them for the group discussion for the presentation the next day. ( I realise group projects really require alot of responsibility and consideration to others which not all may have.) Thankfully, by then, the kids exam was just over. But my head was pounding furiously. I should have anticipated it, but I didnt. By the time I took painkiller, it was full blown. Ended up with pain through the night, 2 days mc... and plenty more painkillers...with forewarning of possible implications.... o well, not that anyone can do anything with the fragility of life....

At least i got the work that needed to be done, done, without hampering any party. And i didnt cry. maybe it would help if i did. I sometimes dont know how to show that I am feeling awful, when I really am feeling awful. The funny thing is, I have to say it before anyone knows, and even then, people kind of dont believe. Because I guess I come across as 'strong'? Forceful? Its true that i can block out emotions, and be very task oriented. Thats how i cleared one hurdle after another these past weeks. Is there a choice? Is there any point moaning about it, if it got to be done?

I know one thing, no matter how awful, I never want to neglect anyone in any way,....i really worry abt ky and ls... actually i dont know how to help anymore if things come to a crux for them.....

And at this moment, i guess its going to be my own work that will suffer... have cleared school work for now....ahead is an exam that I am far from being prepared, and an essay that i dont know how to start.... and after that, at least 20 reference letters.... I want to write them, because these are my kids....

=======================================
I guess the truth is, no matter how I try to block out, its going to be the time to pack and leave. Yes, its true that I initiated it. I will not say why. And yes, I am very sad. But, I still know its right. For me.

Would I come back? It depends on where i go from here....It depends on alot of things, includng the opportunity to....I must not lose sight of my goal.... everywhere one goes, one can do good.

at the moment, i feel lost and sad. Very. I will be nomadic for awhile....until i know where my root will be... And it will also depend on how much energy is left....

I should also spend more time for myself, taking walks, exercising, baking.... i havent done any of these since mum left. I guess i have been escaping from myself in packing up my time so tightly....its time to face myself....and a much weaker, older self.

I really must face up with myself......and find my direction, my sense of purpose...for this remaining brief sojourn left.

However down, one must learn to encourage oneself, and find inner strength. That is what is needed in adversity. I hope my kids will realise that. And if you can, believe in God.

"Truly, my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved" Psalm 62:1-2

pause....

2011-10-28T23:27:00.005+08:00

just handed in an assignment awhile ago... the end of one module. One more major assignment, a group presentation and an exam and then i am done for this semester...2 more weeks to go...

then of cos year 3 exam next week first... things are roller-coasting and it will come to an abrupt halt somehow.

pause....

someone wrote that he didnt understand my rationale. sigh. actually neither do i. i do know however i need to pause...

i cant say i was not tempted to plunge into a few possibilities.

But, i should pause...
=======================================================
i dont like nomadic life. but neither do i like systems. Not that i am not a system person.

I remembered many many years ago, the principal i respected most said in a semi reprimanding tone, you always want a system. I was angry with her then. I knew i was not wrong then, and in the issue, a couple of years later, they did adopt 'the system' I proposed. There was rationale and objectivity but it ran against the grain of what everyone was used to then. The important thing was the appropriate measure was taken, not who was right.

but that issue aside, her words struck me. Why did she say that? I was more perturbed that there was hidden wisdom in what she said that I had missed. There was some underlying principle that she perceived and i didnt understand. Nothing personal at all. I bore that in my mind and pondered.

some things require time, thought, experience, reflection. somewhere, somehow, i gradually understand. Not that i am able to explain.

yes system is neat, but it is soul-less. Efficient but very cold. True, there must be an organised structure of sorts, but what makes the structure alive is the content. Leaders with vision, principles and a family of people with warmth and harmony. And somehow the framework works.

System is like a building. But a home is a home. A 'structure', but with life...lively life.

Mere talk and show is what it is, talk and show. Facade will remain a shell. Vision far exceeds visible results.

Vision transcends to the intangible, inspires and exudes hope. Principles is the framework that holds up the structure. Unseen foundation that can hold up under strain are never built in haste. I apprehend why she saw that system is not the panacea of issues, though a structure helps to set up framework.

I also understand why leaders far exceed management. Actually manage is a relatively low level task. It speaks more of handling, exerting control. Brute force and a given title can do that. It wins neither mind nor heart. You know when thats all you are when you are stripped of title and authority.

==============================================
But leaders remain leaders. Almost daily these past weeks, I thought of her. Yesterday was her birthday. I didnt send her a card, hadnt for the last 2 years because of my own internal upheavals. But I will soon. I acknowledged her impact on me to every educator I meet. Its not that she did anything great. It was because she was an educator that leads with such a large heart, such a true vision, and was true to the cause of education to the end.

I will never forget her words, Publicity, good or bad, is bad. Again at that time, I couldnt quite understand. But I listened. I had said this before, listening is a lost art.Then I understood.

And now, nearly 20 years later, I can see, how wise she is. Publicity puts you in the limelight. Even if it is for good, that alone can cause you to lose your focus. Or worse, that may turn into your main, if not only, focus.

Result driven indicators can only lead to what it is intended: Results to be seen.

She was cryptic in her words, but very wise. She had her faults, but she is very well loved. Her unyielding principles, proven over decades of dedication, warm understanding and genuine care and love for children and staff with her made her the one and only one.

I guess at this time, feeling lost - remembering her, kindles the heart. It is true, a teacher cares, leads and inspires. Someone said that to me a year ago. I have not attained to that. At least, i know i care. And at least, i have seen and known and worked under, one who cares, leads and inspire. Few has such a privilege.

========================================

sigh... how long will i pause? will there be another turnabout for me?

2011-10-24T21:34:00.002+08:00

felt so exhausted today....and ineffectual... have i really been teaching, or just stuffing information down? does it really matter what u say, why u say? can values really be passed on? maybe it is all an illusion....

and i thought, i have no energy to carry on teaching... maybe i should just go into seclusion...

whatever, deadlines still have to be met.

And the email with words of sincerity was a consolation. perhaps it has not been in vain after all....

poignancy...

2011-10-23T21:50:00.007+08:00

too many deadlines to meet numb the mind and soul.

in the end, it is my own assignments that suffer. This sem, my work is really substandard. Its probably not possible to keep gpa above 4.

but sadder than that is the realisation that the next 2 days will be the last lessons. Had deliberately block out thoughts of it, but subconsciously the sentiments surged forth during sleep...

still, i think it is a blessing to be able to end with such a lovely bunch of kids. Of the 4 years, this is my best teaching year. (sorry year 6). I cant explain why. Partly because I was involved with their curriculum from their year one, and had really 'watch over' this batch. Partly because there is something really sweet (though naughty!) about the kids. And most of all, they are always keen to learn. Close to 90% of the time. It was really a thrill to see their mind process in the way they listen, ask, argue, note down concepts etc. Actually there is alot to observe in how a child learns, and each in their own distinctive way.

whatever, there is that special feel. I would like to think it works both ways. I know it would be near impossible to recapture such an experience. First of all, there is only one special nush that allows for such a curriculum. And really the kids in this school, for all their skirmishes, are really keen to learn.

Age is not on my side. The gap will get wider with every passing year. As it is, to breach the gap, to reach out to them takes alot more energy than people realise. I had worried that I will lose that 'touch' in teaching, but the kids seem to enjoy the learning. So it cant be that bad.

it is good to end in a nice way. Actually these kids had really helped me by being so accepting of me. i hope i have really helped this batch, and taught them well, not just to sit for exams. But that their math foundation will be strong to take deeper content. And most of all, that they will address their attitudes, and grow up to be good people.

sometimes, i ask myself why i made this move. i wonder if tk is right...i know he never agreed with my decision, for my sake, at least not at this time... and i really respect his judgment. But when will be a good time?

It is hard, actually very hard to leave one's comfort zone, so hard that one almost wish to stay on....but I will move on.

I need to do my part for the less privileged kids. I darent wait till i may not have the chance to do so. No one can say when one's end will be. At least when i had spent at least a year with weaker kids, then i would fulfilled a little of my due to community. I should not wait until i am too tired, too old to do so. and next year is a good time since i would need the time also to complete my dissertation.

After that, then what? Don't know. See how things fall out...

At this moment, its that sense of poignancy of 'the last lessons' with these kids that hit me most ....

teaching is really so meaningful.... maybe because i always felt i will never made a good mother... teaching fulfils that maternal instinct... and most of all, through this means, it is a channel that one can teach values and build character....

ultimately when one reviews one life, 'success' is hollow, a public show, that will be outperformed, and be forgotten with new victors... it is values and character that give the depth and dimension to ones own being, ultimately you must be able to respect yourself, and your character alone wins true respect. And care for your loved ones, your family and friends.

On a side note, i am really relieved and thankful that so far, the emphasis has consistently focused on these aspects by the new minister. Honestly, i think it is a little too late..... but then..... better late than never.

and tomorrow is farewell to the year 6... o dear... all the partings..... i dont know if i am going to meet my assignment deadline. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh................

2011-10-14T21:54:00.002+08:00

given the amount of work i owe all round, i shouldnt be spending time here... except i need to diffuse...

whilst having to travel to a school for meeting, i 'lost' my way despite my checking up direction... and i have travelled to this school quite a few times.

i dont like losing my way... its like not being in control... and i get flustered. very. partly becos i am very tired. partly becos i hadnt recovered fully from the flu. but there was something familiar with that feeling somehow. I realised the last time i had this feeling, was also the times the dreams disturbed me, and that was in May. I also made wrong turns, and couldnt get my direction right.

i guess because there is so much work to be done, i cant afford the luxury of indulgence...except here...

Experience has taught me, what one feels is not necessarily reality. In reality, i really really have alot more to be thankful and grateful for.... and yes, perhaps alot more lonesomeness and solitude too.... but there are truly alot of blessings... the things that are sad, cannot be changed... what can be changed is how one live ones life for others...

move on, ssh... move on.

what causes dreams?

2011-10-13T21:54:00.006+08:00

i rarely dream, and really prefer not.

Dreamt of mum twice this week... its always the same recurring dream, taking different forms...she is really unwell, and telling me, hoping i could do something for her... i manage to 'stop' the dream the first time, and told myself firmly, she is no longer here, you cant do anymore. In the dream last nite i brought her over to this new place, and worry that she will miss rv, and was thinking of how to drive her to visit rv and gwc etc..... and the dream went on...always helpless at my end...

i woke at 2+, disturbed. I cant account why the dreams recurred more frequently.... not too long ago, it was of dad...

yes, its crunch time, and it remains to be seen how i am going to juggle through the next 4 weeks, with school, attending lessons, and assignments....its going to be a make or break crunch... but i want to spend time with the kids badly too...

and yes, i havent been in the best of health. But i did not think i was sliding down...

perhaps i am more perturbed by the path ahead than i would acknowledged... yes, i have to admit, i am quite sad... whatever, i need to move on...

i am very sorry abt mum. But i cannot do anymore for her... looking after sk and s1 is the best i can do... i know i must walk out of this abyss...

四年了....

2011-10-08T21:57:00.003+08:00

四年了，看孩子长大，很多感触。

这几天根许多孩子们谈话。

看他们分析为未来的选择；听他们诉说他们的理想。

前景充满希望；也有多许的忧虑，矛盾。

**************

好希望他们会有坚定的意志，无论遇到任何挫折，都能有恒心地，有勇气地克服。

好希望他们能经的起生活的考验，实现愿望。

好希望他们作任何事会有爱心。

*************

看孩子快要离开学校的窝，难免会有伤感。但看他们懂事多了，也很欣慰。

默默地为他们祝福，前途无量，永远幸福。

diffusing....

2011-10-04T22:59:00.005+08:00

nothing in particular to write about....i am writing more often...my way of diffusing that sense of resignation and poignancy as the approaching transition beckons....

its de ja vu.... last nov to early this year... seeing to the end of rv....

actually i am a person that really doesnt like change. Mainly because I am too sentimental. And I hate that sense of loss. Thankfully, experience and much pain have taught one to learn to have a stronger inner defence, and to keep focused on the objective.

I am very fortunate. I can think of so many happy things, so many nice people that i have known, so many things that i have enjoyed doing in this phase. Actually, barring the events of life, and conflicts in some quarter, this phase is one of the happiest period of my life.

I suppose it is through this phase, at this place, having so many kind, warm and genuine people, and nice kids... i found that part of me, that had been lost for many many long years.

I am sad, and happy. I never thought I would say I am happy again in my life. Actually i rarely feel happy. But I can recount so many contented moments. And happy moments are those with the kids, and the few people I really enjoy having a good conversation with. Even like now, when I finished the target work intended for tonight, I hope the kids will gain from it. I am content.

Be still. Be content. Life is a journey. We have to sojourn on as strangers and pilgrims upon the earth...

October

2011-10-01T22:33:00.003+08:00

The start of yet another month.

It would not be possible to be light-hearted for quite awhile. One really needs to be very focused on the finishing post in order to get through the tonnes of work the next 6 weeks. Cant complain cos when I took on 3 modules, I knew it would be a herculean task. I dont have the stamina for it in terms of strength (I can no longer live with 3-4 hour sleep), I can only bank on the reserve of experience and innate resilience to survive.

The spirit is heavy most of all, because of the sadness of the impending end of a phase, and one that is significant to me. I have to quell sentimentalism, and nostalgia. But at least i am not walking into nothingness, as i had in time past. Though there is a certain degree of uncertainty, there is some definite direction. I had taken a very long time to find it, so whatever the apprehensions, i will move forward.

================
when i read the section in ST on the extraordinary kids, I really wish that in the last four years, I had worked alongside the kids with respect to service for community as a priority. If kids that had such setbacks can give so much, why, why are those so much more able and fortunate so callous and indifferent?

this is what education should yield as part of the process...

read that article.... and somewhere in life, answer it in your own way.... this is humanity.

No More ZEROES!!!

2011-09-29T22:38:00.003+08:00

The lecturer for this module announced today that the quiz scores will be averaged for the 5%z. YES!!!!

Of the 6 of us in our specialisation, only one did not get zero, and we made the same 'error'. So well, I am glad they are ratifying. I am happy most of all, because the principle of assessment was applied. :D:D:D

And against all odds, I finished my 40% essay on the dot 555pm! I guess it can always be further improved, but there is a sense of satisfaction because I did do my best. From the start, the lecturer stressed that this is a student-driven assignment, and indeed it is. How far you want to go, how rigourous you want to be in your search, how deep you want to explore is self-determined. And that is what made the learning enjoyable. Also I really have very nice coursemates, who are very supportive, encouraging and genuine.

Given the juggle between work and study, I am happy that I have come this far, and yet have time to be with the kids. Next month will be another marathon, and next deadline is 28 October.

Most of all, it is the final sem with the kids.... and year sixes are graduating soon..... I am not going to think of the things I will really miss...I want to value them whilst being with them.

NOTHING again!

2011-09-25T20:07:00.005+08:00

Consider the statements below:

the use of literature to justify the research problem.

the use of literature to support the need for research questions.

Which shows the difference between qualitative and quantitative research?

To me, every research NEED research questions. So the use of literature reflects the research problem , and hence support the need for research questions. Hence the second statement cant show the difference between the 2 forms of research.

The key difference apparently is in the research problem vs research questions. I should have focused on key terms "research questions" arising from literature for quantitative research, and not have tried so hard in understanding and analysing the sentence meaning. So the student that identify key words will get it correct. How ironic!

This kind of semantic twist to award a conscientious learner with zero when one got 4.5 correct out of 5 correct is HARD to swallow! Even given that I have been ignorant and grossly wrong, do i deserve zero for a half error?(for those who are curious, one of the questions require ticking 2 answers).

I half wonder, is it because the system cannot compute 5% out of the total score (due to????) or there is a lack of knowledge of assessment purpose. I can think of more acerbic words, but i guess it suffices to make my point.

2011-09-23T18:35:00.003+08:00

losing composure, whatever provocation, is uncalled for...and again it happened....

Very disappointed with myself.....one really shouldnt care too much....i know deep inside, i reacted not to what is, but what i saw, could be if left uncorrected.... but it is a fact that u cant change everyone....and there are other ways of doing so. of all people, u should know!

and yet i had only just told myself, in the days ahead, i would be contented if it only helps but one ......

the storm is gone without....but what desolation within....the lack of harmony perturbs me....is my decision rite?

i am sad....maybe its all the medication... but i am really very very very sad. :(

ebb and thoughts

2011-09-21T22:14:00.006+08:00

have to grind to a halt by today...the chronic migraine is driving me nuts......what kept me going was the determination to complete the course with the kids.. but the head is really feeling totally weird after 2 weeks of battle....

Jus got back from doc with a medley of 4 types of painkillers. Crazy. But i am quite judicious with them. If i get to sleep really well, it will help.

at least i finished all the marking, which made me feel very good! Unfortunately i have not started a word of the 2500 word essay due in a week's time. sigh!

=============
sometimes one knows one's innermost thought most, at the ebb of one's strength....

at the end of my strength, what do i really want to have accomplished? i remembered my classmate who passed on 3 weeks ago...and that moment of evaluation when i knew of the shortness of time....

and at this point, of ebbing energy....waiting for that suppressed pain to be quelled.... i am at peace with myself.
Rationalisation, heart and intuition are finally aligned in the same direction....consistently for the last 3 weeks.

Yes, i decided not to follow counter-intuitive advice. That was quite a wrestle mainly because the advice came from true friends i realy really value. Especially tk, who probably is one of the very few that knows me very well, and for over 3 decade....

i sought counsel to carefully evaluate perspective that i may have missed...and i am grateful to know the heart and care of friends for my welfare....

.... there is no right or wrong course....perhaps wise or unwise...but to whom?

============
I see people taking the shape of the mould of ugliness in the name of achievement and efficiency. How ugly!

I dont want to be part of it.

when u dont have it, u can only put up a show of words with emptiness reverberating..

....pitiful, really very pitiful...for all that exterior facade of success and gain....how poor and pathetic!

============

Values is not a facade. It flows from the inner being. And you can see the beauty even in sparseness and coarseness..... i hope, many of my students will have this insight....

i will take the way less trodden. I perceived too many things.... my spirit is too independent.... I wrote before about freedom of spirit a year ago, in july.... yes, thats me....

it is more blessed indeed to give than to receive!

discrete good and systemic good

2011-09-18T11:54:00.003+08:00

" The key to wisdom in these circumstances is to make the distinction between discrete good and systemic good. When you are in the grip of a big, complex mess, you have the power to do discrete good but probably not systemic good."

The fallacy of Plannng
Dr Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow.

This is found in pg A39 of ST, yesterday, The Fallacy of Planning.

My thoughts: All the more, if you are NOT in the grip, then all you can do, is small discrete good. Waiting for systemic good will not happen.

===========================
And if you are reading this, read also from ST yesterday (17 Sept)
Marine Hero gets top award (C16) and A small town's send-off to the fallen (C17)

This is what i respect: courage, compassion and independent individuality for the common concern and good of all. When will Singapore society remotely come near to such a level of humanity?

选择

2011-09-14T22:44:00.009+08:00

艰难与舒适，熟悉与陌生，你会怎样选择？

有人曾经问过我，原则一斤值多少？

虽然我热忱于理想，一向以原则为方针，但要作决定时，

还是须经过心灵的激烈争扎.

是的，要放弃，真的万分的不舍。

理想从不是没代价的。原则更是无价。

友人都劝我三思。 毕竟已不年轻。以后的日子没人有把握。

而我又是孤单的一个人，是该先为自己打算。

==============================

我心里的抱负，很少人能理解........

========================

说我没忧挂，是自欺。

但，正因时光短暂，精力有限，更须趁还能付出时，尽一点义务。。。

我犹豫，是因为怕艰难？是怕精力不够，无成果？是不想失去？

是的。

我是怕艰难，怕精力不够，帮不到，无成果。

也是很不想失去。
========================

离别的滋味好难受。孩子们已长大了。
=======================

一个人无论在任何阶段，都需作选择，作决定。

新的路程是需要勇气。内心的挣扎是要克服。

我不寻求名利，只希望能活得比较有意义。

可能我的选择是不理智。或许还有些愚蠢。

至少我尝试过，鼓起勇气，踏入另一个阶级，往理想的方针行程。

自己一个人也不会有拖累。往后的日子，简朴的过，应不成问题。

=======================

赐我力量，往前行，尽我的义务。。。

All or Nothing

2011-09-09T23:40:00.006+08:00

Was going to bed, then saw this caption "All or Nothing" on someone's blog, and that triggered this entry....

One of my modules, has this 'All or Nothing' mcq assessment. There are 5 of them, so each mcq is worth 1%. There are 4-5 questions per session, and it is a 'All of Nothing' quiz, which means what it means i.e. you either get all correct, or you get zero even if you get only one wrong.

I am really annoyed with this method of assessment, though of course I do know the teacher is 'All-powerful' to dictate any method of assessment. For adult learners, will things change if parents write in to complain????

I am bad at mcq, for a variety of reasons, but definitely not because I am dumb!!!!

First of all it is an online quiz, and since we dont have time to take it in the day time, by the time i get to take it in the night, it is usually quite near the finishing time. Ok, granted, I usually only revise 'as conscientiously' as i can about half an hour or so before undertaking it, but well, i make the attempt.

ok, and granted that i am usually not careful enough (sigh!), but the main stumbling is, i 'over-think': does it mean this? Or does it mean that? There are linguistic subtleties and interpretation of circumstances.

And then, I dont quite take online quiz that seriously....then again, I am never one that takes exams too seriously...its not sieriously me.

So, ok, i got 3 out of 5 and that means I got zero! This is NOT a one to one function!

It is NOT nice to get zero for your first quiz you know! So, yesterday, during the break of the evening lecture, I went to my lecturer.....

and asked him, I got 3 out of 5, that means I got zero?

And he said, thats correct.

So I said, it means if i attempt it, and got some, but not all, correct, i get zero; if i dont attempt it, i also get zero; so i get the same mark whether i attempt it or not?

And he said, thats correct.

So I said, well, then, maybe there is no point attempting it?

And he said, well, I think, it is good that you still attempt it.

I nearly wanted to ask, why....I didnt, cos i know as a teacher, I would say, learning is more effective when one learns from ones mistakes. Why did i got up to him, when the answer is obvious to me? Because I am a student, so I am entitled to ask these questions to 'bring home a message' ??? Whatever, it just gives me some 'pleasure' to make my point.

Sigh.... i am almost resigned to losing this 5%. Getting a perfect score just isnt me! I got a B+ in the module prior to this, and did hope to upgrade one level for this module. Now the hope is really slim cos the essay is harder, and so would be the exam! I have to hope my grade is not the pronunciation of my name!!!! :( :(

Define....

2011-09-06T18:26:00.001+08:00

Define

Intuition

Insight

Perception

Acumen

Instinct

life is short...

2011-09-04T22:25:00.004+08:00

i dont usually buy newspapers. now and then the sat papers, as i did yesterday. And then, i didnt have the time to read it, was rushing for another presentation.... Finally about nearly 2am, more or less, i think i have prepared the crux.... so bedtime.

I thought, flip thru the papers... and that was when i saw the obituary. I knew her. She was my classmate. I was quite certain yet not certain. I was quite disturbed....

this morning, i text kuech to confirm. Yes its her. Cancer. Kuech said she didnt go as she had not spoken to her since school days, but some of our classmates did. I didnt know at all. My fault cos i chose to be out of touch. Kuech and mag are my remaining line of contact.

She was one of the 7 doctors from my class. I knew her from primary school days. She was not someone that would be noticed. But i remembered her well cos she was an average kid at the start, but by the time she reached P6, she took over the top in standard position from me, and from then, she worked hard to achieve. I cant remember when was the last time i spoke to her, definitely more than 20 years ago at least. I cant say she is someone I would be able to relate to, but she is self-motivated, and she became a doctor.

What hit home was, she died. My classmate. My age. I think it hit Kuech too. She text, life is short....

========================================

Many things came to mind....

In being seclusive, I had not kept in touch with some very nice people amoung my classmates and friends. I feel bad that I should only hear of them, at their passing....I must find time for people....

One realised that one is nearer to that final post. I asked myself, if that should be soon, would I have felt I have completed life's journey? I had to answer, No.

There are meaningful things I want to do, but have not..... I must not procrastinate for too long. Short term, for practicality, follow advice, however counterintuitive, and bite the bullet. But long term, i will follow my intuition, and serve meaningfully....hopefully to the end...

And i am still waiting for reconciliation.....

Finally, above all, I am grateful for faith to believe in the Lord. I sought for the truth since young. Life and death matters to me. The meaning of life, and of death. In the course of seeking, i entered into a labyrinth, and it took me more than 20 years to walk out of it. Whatever the systems men built, the Lord and the Scriptures does not change. Is it worthwhile? Yes it is.

Because all that is in this life will come to an end. And how many can say, I know my Redeemer liveth? Yea, though I walked through the valley of the shadow of deah, i will fear no evil: for thou art with me. Psalm 23.4.

I am very grateful to be kept in the faith, though I have been walking almost alone sometimes, for this past decade. Though it would be a lie to say one does not fear the unknown, yet truly, I know the Lord will not fail. All that put their trust in him shall not be ashamed.

====================================================

With what remaining days, live meaningfully for others....

Define...

2011-09-03T18:40:00.001+08:00

Define...

personality

character

disposition

temperament

Graduation quotes

2011-09-03T18:38:00.000+08:00

Robert Orben

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells
thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that
'individuality' is the key to success.

Many Thanks!

2011-09-01T22:37:00.004+08:00

There are many things I wish to say to many of you; i dont need much to make me happy.

and yes, i like the 'sieriously awesome' t-shirt! :D....because it is 403

the beautifully drawn cat which will be treasured....because it is personally drawn.

the hero's pen because it is sweetly 1.20 only, but really brings back fond memories of the times i used a fountain pen...

And every token, EVERY item, EVERY note IS appreciated....EVERY effort to make that difference is really received. Thanks for taking the trouble.....

Just seeing you all being around, with unspoken words for some of you, is really sufficient. Your taking the effort to adjust your time to be there with everyone itself means alot to me... 403 will always be a special family to me, whether we get to say anything to each other....

for the year sixes, as and when you leave.... i hope somehow i will hear news of you... i really wish to know how things unfold for you....

i hope i will have time to reply to some of your notes..... i admit this evening marathon is wearing me out.... i still got 9 more weeks to go.....and must survive....

I just felt i should not plopped into bed without writing this. :)

Yes!

2011-08-31T22:27:00.003+08:00

i feel jubilant to have conducted a 2 hour seminar! It is part of course assessment, and it was really quite an experience, especially cos I was the first (due to unforseen circumstance, had to take over) to carry that out. Appreciate my coursemates who are really supportive and encouraging, and hence makes it collaborative and non- threatening. It was really insightful and learnt alot!

Above all it is A Very Big Relief! Phew!!!!

counterintuitive

2011-08-30T19:49:00.007+08:00

just had a good chat with a trusted and respected friend.... and was thinking of the advice given...

usually before i make any decision, i will seek views of a wide spectrum : students, lecturers, people who are specialists in particular fields, depending on the issue, to get a feel and to see things from different perspectives.

but there arent many that i really 'listen' to. I am thankful that if I really want to count, I think I have quite a few that are really friends, that sincerely seek my good, and will help if I ask. But I very rarely ask.

However, to 'listen', that is, to really seriously consider and weigh, to heed advice, I can only think of two at the moment. I was wondering why.....perhaps...

First of all, values. Common ground. Secondly, there is mutual respect. Thirdly, they are people that will objectively weigh the circumstance, and not react to happenings. Rational but not insensitive. Whilst listening (really listening) and understanding how I feel, they will still advise according to what they consider is best. Not what they know I want to hear. And always with reason. Then, there is strength of character, people who have lived life and stand by principles; and not material oriented. Finally, there is an inexplicable affinity...patience? kindness?

....and when both give the same counsel .... with good grounds .....and their overarching concern is for my welfare .....it is folly not to heed. So for now, intuition has to be suppressed.... at least for the foreseeable short term. ...Sigh..... there is a strong impulsive streak in me, thats why I need and value counsel.

Liberty without any reins is folly. Counsel is the kindest rein that one can imposed on oneself.

and well..... sometimes time unfolds in ways unexpected ..... so just bite the bullet .....sigh... very counterintuitive....

But on the bright side... many thanks, friend.

More Thoughts

2011-08-30T12:46:00.003+08:00

If the higher ability continue to improve to higher platform, widening the gap of abilities, and hence possibly income etc, whose responsibility is it to narrow the gap?

Define arrogance.

I know it should not be equated with high ability or high status. I also know "impression" is not an objective guage.

There should be a clear distinction between ability and attitude when defining arrogance. But to some who seem very able to pass judgement, they are synonomous.

========================

Emphasis on achievements and glorification of attainments, without corresponding humility, true values of humanity have resulted in deep discontent.

========================
The strong must always bear the burden of the weak.

Those who are healthy must look after the ill.

Those who have more understanding must always forbear.

Those who love must keep giving.

Why?

This is the power of masses?

Yet the inequality has to be addressed. Otherwise society as a whole has to pay the price because of unrest.

=============================
For me, I look to the Lord, who set the ensample for his own; he that humbled himself even to the death of the cross, for sinners.

I hope I will not see that much unrest in the remaining of my days.

alot, alot of thoughts...

2011-08-28T18:29:00.003+08:00

alot alot of thoughts on alot alot of issues.....

but am really exhausted. Its really not funny to do a 3 evening marathon of 3 hour lessons every week, with its avalanche of assignments. Thankfully, i had worked ahead in school, but not fast enough....Next 10 weeks will be gruelling... the next 2 days alone, I am really buried under! :(
====================================
joined the bio sungei buloh visit yesterday, and really enjoyed it! If only i wasnt so tired, and the trip had been longer... took some photos...may upload it some day.... i try to catch views that showed totally nature... its been a very very very long time since i feel at one with nature...

===================================
Now that the Presidential election is over, i feel more at ease to write somewhat about it. First of all, from the very start, ie 17 years ago, I, questioned, and I still do now, the need of such an exercise. But given that there is one, the relative non-event in the past make things quite harmonious.

The timing of this PE is non-ideal. The lack of separation of issues or the play-up of issues make this whole exercise less palatable.

Last night (or rather early this morning) before the results were out, I wanted to write... but I thought, wait.

Whatever the outcome, I want to say this: Of the team of second generation leaders, Dr Tony Tan is amongst the few that I highly respect. In this PE, all the more, I admire his courage for leaving his comfort zone, to take on such a heavy responsibility for the nation. I feel hurt for him, that he had to take the brunt of ill-framed words.

If he is not one's ideal candidate, is there a need to descend to lack of civility and unkindness?

He was one of the best Minister of Education. He removed 3 unpopular policies before he left the ministry, including the 'monolingual' label. And that needed alot of courage and independence of thought because the majority of the old guards were still present. That he managed to push that through, it showed he listened, and he convinced his predecessors. I remembered the impact on me when this was reported. I truly respect his being able to do what was good, and I was sorry he did not continue in the ministry of education.

He was the one that 'liberated' the education system: Independent schools were set up in 1988 during his time. That was a move that developed to the present diversity of the education landscape. For those of us who couldnt take conformity, independent schools gave us the much needed space. For me, that was vital. I would have left (intended to) the impossible shackles of bureaucracies and policies had not independent schools offered an avenue of hope. He encouraged innovation and independence when that was unheard of at that time. He was ahead of his times.

In parliament, he was the one that never jibed at opposition. He was a true gentleman, and there were many personal anecdotes of his compassion as an MP. His contribution to the nation is immense. A person should be guaged by his words, carriage, dignity, weight, reflected consistently, in his case over almost a life time. And for his life service and contribution. J

饮水要思源.

Whether he was elected or not, I intended to write this. I wished the system of elected presidency was not created. But given that it is (sigh), I am really glad that Dr Tony Tan has been elected the President of our nation.

Courage

2011-08-26T00:30:00.001+08:00

Courage is the greatest of all the virtues. Because if you haven't courage, you may not have an opportunity to use any of the others.

Samuel Johnson

Idealism

2011-08-23T22:27:00.001+08:00

Definition

Idealism is a term with several related meanings. It comes directly from the Greek "idealismos" (ιδεαλισμός) which derives from the word "ιδέα" (idea).

The term entered the English language by 1796. In ordinary use, it often suggests the formation and influence of ideals, the importance of principles, values and goals as well as present realities, perhaps a tendency to represent things as they might be rather than as they are.

Wikipedia

Sad :(

2011-08-23T22:06:00.003+08:00

I am very sad....

Rationalisation and heart are on the same side.

I know my intuition is 'right'. But it has no direction.

I hate this tug-of-war....

Random-ness

2011-08-20T23:25:00.002+08:00

Slow decision is better than hasty decision.....

=========================

When intuition and rationalisation takes two different paths, which should one follow?

Between rationalisation and heart, I will follow rationalisation. Always did, though I always want to follow the heart. ..

And looking back, it is usually right...

But between intuition and rationalisation?

What is intuition?

That inexplicable perception, that tells you, somehow, something is right or not right. In some ways, intuition can be stronger.

I have followed intuition, and had 'regretted' because rationalisation from various aspects point to what ought to be... rationalisation is very powerful.

But ideals are not rational. And sometimes following values are not rational.

Someone said to me a few weeks ago, follow your heart. Life has trained me not to do so. Emotive force I can suppress. Life taught me that. I suppose thats why I come across as 'strong' and 'forceful'. But it comes with a high personal price.

At cross roads, do you follow intuition or rationalisation?

感慨

2011-08-09T22:10:00.011+08:00

last few days were 'extraordinary' in that a few people from the past were in touch. With two of them, it had been 18-20 years since there had been communication. It was really nice especially to see wc for over 2 days... and when she left, i actually felt the pang of loss. But she was sensitive enough to message every stage, and email, so that reduced the impact.

Perhaps it is age; perhaps it is resignation. I just let things be. ...minimum change for now....I dont hope for much.... i just dont want trouble and pain

I am happy just to get by... at least for the next few months.

=====================================

strangely, also heard from a dear friend of more than 30 years, who had also been out of touch the last 2 years or so.... via email... both of us are analytical to extremity, and both think far, far too much...hence both are often disturbed and concern about many social issues....and both of us were very idealistic.....

he belongs to that last generation of chinese ed, that was really a victim of the immense change in education.... and that was a generation that feels strongly for the language and culture they love... a passion this generation will never understand.... and that generation paid alot for the harsh policies and changes in the name of economic advancement.... and suddenly all they learnt had to be in english... it was very bitter for many of them...

i remembered when the announcement came to close the chinese gp classes, he wanted to raise a petition.... he was an outstanding school leader.....i cant remember whether he finally did, i think he did... i remembered debating with him over 3 hours to dissuade him, since it would be futile effort... and at that time, students dissent can be taken very harshly.... internal security was not just a phantom... it was real at that time.....

on reflection many years later, i think he was right. I was wrong. He had the courage. I feared trouble. We were 17-18 then. Now consider what your 18 year old lives are about?

it was at that time, the first time that I understood the meaning of 默契. Our understanding was somehow very natural. And there was mutual respect and appreciation. actually kuech asked me last year when we were taking a walk, and reminiscing about the past, were you all ever together? I thought for awhile, and said, No.

We were often companions; he would picked me early in the morning to go to jc (he drove at 18 cos he drove his father to work, his mother died when he was young and he was very close to his dad); we did have quite abit in common cos i am also very inclined to the chinese language and culture despite being from chij, a very 'english' school. He was very intelligent, and most of all, earnest, sincere and firm. There were teasings, and i remembered his friends got him flowers to give me at valentines, which i left in class to avoid trouble at home. Both of us felt awkward about that, but we never misunderstood. We never crossed the boundary of friendship.

I think we diverged mainly because of religion. Not that we explicitly said it. He knew where i stood. I respect him immensely for his principles. There had always been a foundation of understanding in our friendship and alot of maturity. In many ways, he is probably one of the very few that really knows and understands me. No other reason. Just 默契.

And we remained friends for some time after jc, and he helped me through some very bad patches later....whenever he could, he was always a friend. I really appreciated that. We did lose communication subsequently, mainly because i didnt want to communicate in my peculiar circumstance and we did drift apart in many ways as we were both strong in our views. We were also going through rough times through our separate pathways.

That stretched over a period of more than ten years, yet when we met again by chance very unexpectedly, the same understanding was still there. That was the year i resigned from scgs, a turbulent year, 2000. My kids were taking part in an entrepreneurship competition. my last project. It was held at a poly. I didnt know he was among the panel of judges. It was quite unreal. I couldnt believe it, when i saw this person walking toward me, vaguely familiar, and stood in front of me. We just looked at each other in amazement. And though circumstances had changed, yet in many ways, we had not changed. To be honest, I was surprised. I didnt expect that at all.

Since then, we kept in touch though I was more incline to reclusiveness still. Thereafter when many things fell apart for me, I appreciate the communication with the few friends left. Mostly over emails, exchanging views and updates of his family, and education for his 3 kids, and endless discussions over ideologies.

Then sometimes over an interim of a couple of years, there would be a long silence from either side, usually when the goings are tough, and each prefer to tide through on their own. The silence and distance was always respected.

He broke the recent long silence finally yesterday; each of us having entered into another phase of life. There was much exchange, not in terms of what happened, but our usual manner of deep ponderings and reflections....

Whatever the circumstance, I would not want to lose this life long friend. From jc days, he was the only new 'addition' to my small circle of friends. The other handful were friends that had been with me from primary/secondary school. I didnt like my jc days. From university days, I would only add 2 more, el and dk.

There is something really sweet about friendship from school days. We were ourselves, guileless, spontaneous, unspoilt. Thankfully at that time, people are not so focused on 'career', 'portfolio' etc etc. Those who made it naturally did, and there was no arrogance or smugness. At least not among my friends. And not for any lack of intellect either. But we never bore that kind of uppity, /I am scholar/better and smarter-than-thou air whilst assuming a facade of seeming humility that is needed to grace the exterior.

Contributing to society was naturally in our heart. Perhaps its because we came from mission schools. Nevertheless the natural enthusiasm and naiveness when young is something sweet.
==========================
Thats why i still like to be with kids that i teach.... it is lovely when you see friendship, comradeship, the kids helping one another (especially when i am fiercely grilling them!). This is one of the best phase of life that will be their fond memories.

I hope many of their friendships can withstand the storms, misunderstandings and separation ahead. This is inevitable. At different phases of life, friends will drift apart because of their job, family, and various circumstances. But 20-30 years later... and for a lifetime, there would be those that remain friends... with that implicit understanding, that inexplicable 默契....

i really wish so for these kids...

===============================
whether i close this blog or not, will depend on how the path diverges.... this is a phase that i have allowed myself to be open and share many of my inner thoughts locked for a lifetime within. But it is because of the phase that i have passed through over these 2 years.... i am still considering what is best.....

August

2011-08-02T22:16:00.002+08:00

have been wondering when to close this blog....

more or less, things remain placid...

joy remains joy...and that is always in classrooms... though i wish i could do better, make less errors, be neater, be clearer....

downs are no longer that down.... probably just resignation... headaches dominated practically the whole month... o well.... and for other matters....as kyc said....for every bad, look at the good...ok

ahead... still pondering...... will probably trod the path less taken.....

next 3 months should be like a hurricane with nie beginning next week and the avalanche of assignments and readings. strangely, my mind remains focused on the kids. actually these 3 months will mean alot to me. i am really happy to be with this batch.

placid. yes, compared to this time last year, tempest has simmered. no need for 'happiness'. placidity is sufficient. this place has helped me. thanks.

ex-students....

2011-07-25T22:52:00.002+08:00

In the last four hours, i heard from ex students from my first batch to not too far past....

one text me to confirm meeting up when she stopover next week, she is a mother of three;

one text me to inform me of her new-born baby, she is now 28, and was the first and only student thus far that i attended her marriage solemnisation... she said it mattered alot to her if i go... so i did... and she is teaching....;

one, 21, from blss, text me to ask to meet up for dinner;

met up with 3 others for dinner, actually these are my grown up tuition kids whom i knew since they were 13/14... one of whom will be leaving for uk for medicine...the other 2 older boys, now 22, are in the uni....

i suddenly remembered Louisa May Alcott's book, Jo's boys...actually, i rather like the whole series, Little women, Good Wives, Little Men and Jo's Boys. Its lovely to hear from them as they grow up.... I have to admit I never have much maternal instincts... I always felt I wont know how to be a good mother. I am content to be a teacher and see my kids grow into adulthood, motherhood...and for the boys, when they grow up, into fatherhood...

its gratifying to be still a part of their lives that they remember and still keep touch....thanks....

若愿望能成真。。。

2011-07-24T23:43:00.001+08:00

若愿望能成真。。。

我愿能有空间，

让我还未发挥的潜能，有机会展开，

实现在教育界的理想；

给予更多的孩子们体会教育的意义，人生的方针。

若愿望能成真。。。

我愿孤独会消失。。。

我愿能找到知心的知己，陪我度过漫长的尾端。

若愿望能成真。。。

可惜，愿望永远是多么渺茫。。。

myriad of thoughts....

2011-07-24T20:42:00.003+08:00

its been a little more than 6 months in this new abode... yes, it is a little too big for me... but it is pleasant. When people ask why i got a place thus big, my answer is my sister is a few levels down. Doesnt seem to make sense to many people.

I guess I was merely re-enacting the way it had been between mum and I. She was a few levels in the same block. I think it was really rite to move here. Not that i see sk that often, a couple of times a week. But it still feel different to have her nearby. Also i really like the environment here. Being an intuitive person, feeling 'right' is important to me. In a simple lonely way, I am content here.

Funny, a few days ago, taking dinner with someone and discussing over some extraneous matters which i exercised alot of caution, i expressed that i am hesitant, and the advice given was, dont do anything until you feel 'right', comfortable and ready. I respect and like that advice.
=======================

have been doing alot of reading in the area of education....and more in the area of specialisation of my masters course...

i am not an admirer of America. But I must say in the field of education, particular their research in education, they display in-depth thought of the many aspects of developing a child - and their articles are very thought provoking, backed by research and analysis, soul searching and impactful....concuring with many of my personal views and experience.... and something quite lacking in our local context.

It is now the fad, to fly all over the place, ever so often, to experience first hand learning opportunities. True, it is an eye opener, and in some contexts, it can be a ground breaker. But if one genuinely wants to learn, sometimes, all it takes is a few quiet moments to read, imbibe, assimilate, reflect, and apply. The gain would have been immense, at very little cost. But of course not glamourous at all.

The singular (almost obsessive) pursuit of constructed indicators as a measure of an educational program, however remarkable the indicator, has little place in the vast expanse of the developmental growth of cognitive intellect, emotive intellect and humanistic frame of a child.

Obscurity and simplicity are friends with me. I am content.
=================================

have had more time to talk with kids lately. Partly cos y6 are 'more free', and i make more time for them cos they are graduating soon. I like having these times....

I am still finding my way ahead... and the path is still far from distinct.... but internally, I am at peace, whatever the path I take...

All i want at the moment, is to teach well for the remaining time... and see this batch of kids grow and overcome their obstacles.

kt dropped by again today. He will sign on with the airforce. Tmr, will be seeing other ex studs for dinner. They are 22, and 19. Its nice when they make attempt to keep in touch when one or the other is back from overseas.

================================
Work is beginning to pile.... will get worse when nie sem opens in 2 weeks....

but for this moment, i am content.

2011-07-18T18:18:00.005+08:00

got really angry today. I get annoyed but very seldom do i really get this simmering anger...i guess its because i was really disappointed; very disappointed. how many chances do one give? and how much is enough to make the difference, to effect a change? if i had expected it, i wouldnt be thus angry. but i had really hope for a change, and really thought there will be a change for the chances given.

i would wish i would see some change tomorrow. but...unlikely...... sigh..... when i really want every teaching day to be happy....

缘分

2011-07-17T23:04:00.003+08:00

The blss boys kt, j, and v dropped by, and it was another 4-5 of interesting conversation. Actually some of the boys are the stronger students whom I really taught for a short period. But somehow the bond is stronger with this group, and they make it a point to keep in touch. Cant explain why. 缘分?

Every time I meet up with them, i would consider many many things....

when one is young, time is a 'commodity' that seems plenteous. In many ways, alot of my dreams remain unfulfilled, and I dont see they ever will be. Yet in many ways, alot have been fulfilled also.

I met ss a few days ago for a very long talk.... I said, my happiest moments are in classrooms, and when I stepped out of class knowing at least 70-80% of my students have learnt is really a joy. And really I have that joy for many lessons in a week. I was surprised when he said to me, I envy you. Maybe I am more easily contented, and his expectations of his teaching is much higher?

It was then that I realised not many people can work and enjoy what they do, and attain joy from it or have that sense of satisfaction that I have when I teach. So really amongst teachers, I think I really am fortunate. No wonder he said I envy you. Would it be the same for me if it were not the same classes, not the same school? 缘分? I dont know. Probably not. This lot of students have been really wonderful.

But whenever I meet up with the blss boys, it seemed my greatest impact (at least that I know of) is with them. And one of them will definitely be going into teaching. It encourages me when they recounted my lessons, and remembered many of the things that I did for them, with them.

I hope many of the kids I teach, will teach. I would like them to make a difference to the next generation. I hope many of the kids I teach will be leaders. And I hope they will be good people, and leaders with heart and values. I hope there would still be energy and opportunity left for me, to yet make a difference for the kids.... I hope age will not be a great barrier....

I await the direction that I am still seeking......

messages....

2011-07-12T22:36:00.007+08:00

last wed, 6th july, was a special occasion...zg graduated with a second upper... that nite both sk and he text me, to thank me. i had helped him tide over a very rough time at jc2, really created by himself. with one month to his A levels, having failed math abysmally, i had no choice but to pick up A level maths content to coach him, and gave him whatever support needed. well, he has grown up. I only hope he sees where his weaknesses are. A chain is as strong as its weakest link.

Funny enough, it was through that stint, that i re-acquired skills and techniques in higher level math that gave me the confidence to come over to nush, knowing full well the content will be above the usual level that i am accustomed to teaching. So well, one never knows how things in life leads...

=============================
That same evening kt msged me to say he is back from aust, and wanted to arrange to meet with me again with the others from blss. He had gone to aust to take the test for pilot training. He didnt make it and hence is back. Before he left and when he didnt clear the test, he text me. I am very touched at the way these kids let me know how they get on at different stage of their lives. Whether success or failures, it doesnt matter. What matters is, they wanted to let me know. Those 15 months at blss were really meaningful.

I have spent nearly 4 years at nush. It leaves to be seen, whether the bonds with the kids will stand through time. Although, I also know it doesnt mean if one doesnt keep in touch, it means one has forgotten the other. I remained thankful to the few teachers that had been kind to me, and a few I never told them. I did wish I did though.

a few weeks later, i should be meeting a student from my very first batch of graduands, who is making a stopover in spore. She found me via this blog. I remembered that batch very well. Most of my kids did not have my contact. I had chosen reclusion some years back, and never replied to letters, and didnt give other means to contact me. I regret it now, as I would have liked to know how they are. I remember many of my kids very well.

I dont know if it is age or the diverging path ahead... that my mind subconciously leaf through the pages of my teaching years over more than 2 decade...

by present standard, i had not done anything really significant. I had not helped anyone attained to great heights or outstanding achievements. Does that matter in teaching? Does it mean my teaching is substandard? There are many that do make you feel your 'worth' from what university you come from, and what accolades you have. And how much 'success' you have reaped.

I have none, and am not ashamed of it. I am only ashamed when I fail to help students that needed help. And it never matters if anyone else knows if I had not done my duty to the utmost. What is important is my conscience knows. I have to live with my conscience.

I value what i value. True humanity does not lie in all these lauded achievements. I know the heart alone is insufficient in teaching. There must be a clear application of the mind to reach out to the leaners.

But as the scripture says, knowledge puffeth up. Its charity that edifieth. How many understand this?

====================================

there are times when all i see is emptiness and i ask myself, how to carry on? my biggest fear, as always, is not to be a burden to the young.

but there are times, when i remember the sweet messages and receive emails from students one had taught, like one that was received end of last semester, very unexpectedly; and one that came in today to share his aspirations; and with T and B sleeping beside me whilst i typed this, I feel very contented and fulfilled. I have made a difference, however small to a few of the young.

i am recording this to encourage myself for the days ahead....

Experience

2011-07-10T22:46:00.008+08:00

For some reason or other, I thought of writing about experience.

If one has an encounter, does it suffice to be an 'experience'. By definition,yes. But in actuality? Some people give advice based on their 'experience'. Should decision be based on 'notions' or 'experience'?

Strangely, whilst reading a book, and pondering over some matters, two incidents float back into mind, both involving appendicitis.

===================================================

During undergraduate days, I had a dull discomfort on the right of the abdomen, and it occured more often after a meal. As I also had gastric problem, I didnt pay much attention to it. The discomfort pulled on for months. I never thought it was appendicitis because I had heard that the pain is acute, excruciating. You cant made a mistake with it. Appendicitis does not show up in x-rays or scans. The only way you can diagnosed it is by good clinial skill (at least in the past).

There was a doctor that I saw regularly at Nus clinic. After one particular visit to the doctor over the same problem, she got worried, and felt she should refer me to hospital for a specialist opinion. Thankfully, because I was under teaching bursary award, all medical would be borne by psc, and because of that, I also got to see a senior specialist, the registrar. He was pretty good. He said to me, its murmuring appendicitis. He said to get warded if the pain is very bad.

There were ALOT of problems at home, so I didnt mention this to anyone.

The pain did get worse sometime later, not excruciating, bearable, but walking after a meal was painful. but I wont know when it was going to be acute. I didnt want to have to depend on anyone at home should things turned bad, so I made appointment to see the specialist again, without telling anyone at home. Since I was just past 21, I could be responsible for myself. It was only when I had to be warded, that the nurse asked where were my parents/family members. It was then that I realised I had to inform them. The ward doctors didnt believe I had appendicits as I looked 'well' and had no problems when I was on soft diet. I had no 'symptoms'. The blood test didnt show high white blood count. They felt I was a hypochondraic and should be discharged. It wasnt pleasant. There was no scan at that time.

When I was back on normal diet, the pain recurred. The specialist visited me at the ward, he asked me if I want to bear with the pain until it was really bad, or operate to remove it. It was december and nus exam was in april. If the pain got really bad, I may missed exams and that would mean repeating another year. I decided on removing the appendix. That was how independent I was. Just 21, and I made all the decisions. It was easier without worrying about the medical cost.

I remembered the anasthesist was a cheeky fellow, who made unseemly remarks. When he saw the medical records, he also said, how can this be appendicitis. Whatever, immediately after the operation, when I was pushed out, I was almost immediately conscious, and the first question I asked was, is it appendicitis? The anasthesist was taken aback that I was alert so quickly, and said, yes it was and there were other problems.

Anyway that was the only time I went through a surgery. At my after op consultation, I asked the specialist who did the operation for me, how come he was quite certain I had appendicitis, when all other doctors felt I was a hypochondraic. He said, experience. He came across a case like mine before and saw the similarities. I was very thankful to him.

======================================

The second incident involved my mum. She complained over weeks about abdominal pain/discomfort, and all the doctors she saw treated her for gastric/strss/wind. I was very uncomfortable, because of my own experience. She did go to a public hospital, but was not warded, as they felt it was gastric. It isnt appendicitis, they were certain. They more or less implied it was psychological

But a couple of days later, her pain was so bad, we had no choice but to send her to Mt e, even though we knew it would cause a bomb. The specialist on duty was an English, and he could be very sarcastic. Nevertheless, he spent the first half an hour just listening to all my mums complains (translated to him). He thought it could be stones in the gall, or some kidney malfunction. When I asked him, could it be appendicitis, he said, No.

I remembered that was a Sunday. The next day was a Monday, and I was in charge of the teachers day concert, so had to stay the whole afternoon to do the audition. When I went to the hospital, I was horrified that my mum was undergoing an emergency operation, and 3 hours had passed. I couldnt understand why cos the doctor did not say it was an emergency, or what the next action was. Thankfully dad saw to the procedure. I was really angry with myself then, that I had put school first, when mum was in such a condition.

Finally, when the surgeon came out, he said it was perforated appendicitis, which had ruptured, and the pus was all over the abdomen. In his 30+years of surgery, he had never seen a case like that, and it took him 2 hours or more, to 'clean up' the abdomen. Even his operating theatre nurse said, it was really very bad. I was stunned, and relieved that my mum pulled through. The surgeon was quick to realise in the morning that when the check for all his first conclusions were negative, but the white blood count was very high, that it was appendicitis, and made an immediate decision for emergency operation.

I was then very angry with the public hospital because had they diagnosed it correctly, the appendix would not have ruptured. Only a small percentage of people survived perforated appendicitis. My mum should never had been in such a risk, especially when she did seek medical attention, at the hospital. And now, i had to be anxious about how to cover the medical cost.

But the surgeon said to me, it took him, with all his 30+ year experience(I think he was in his 50s), his first conclusion was to rule out appendicitis also as the pain described was not the norm. Apparently the appendix had moved in position. He advised against lodging a complain. Because he saved my mum's life, I took his advice. He was very decent and charged us very very nominally for the operation and the after op treatments. He also arranged for mum to stay longer at the hospital to get the medical care. That drained all I had. But I didnt mind. Because the doctor went out of his way to take care of mum. Not that he was patient with her constant complain ( mum's threshold is not high), but his actions spoke so much louder than words.

======================================

In both cases, experience had been the key to treating and saving lives. But not just experience. There was a careful analysis and true medical professionalism. Money was not the issue.

I do not demean youth. But however smart and intelligent, and whatever academic success or scholarships, it requires alot of exposure and most of all a keenness to listen, learn, and a heart to care. Especially if you are in the field that deal with the lives of people. It is not the number of years alone. It is going through the experience and learning from it.

Teaching and medical are 2 vocations that have the most dealings with lifes.

The difference is one is to nurture and affect the growth of the child, the other is to attend to the ill, and to save lives.

There is another difference, medical is regarded as a professional status, and doctors need a licence to practise , and they have an oath that they have allegiance to. You cant say I have a passion for medicine, so here I am, a doctor. You have to undergo the study and the training and be awarded the license to practise by a professional body.

Nevertheless, in both fields, lives are touched and affected. Let it be a positive touch, and affected in a way that befits humanity.

Silence is golden....

filling in......

2011-07-02T23:22:00.004+08:00

yes, I havent update for a long time...

in some ways, nothing had happened. yet in some ways, alot had taken place.

in some ways, there are alot to record. yet in some ways, everything seems bland... there is hardly anything to say.

in some ways, alot that would had been written, had been written in various forms... yes, it is hard to break away from the past.... especially when there is really nothing much left at present...........much less ahead...

inertia, inactivity.... watching time passed... what am i waiting for?
=====================================

over this time....

attended jk wedding 25 June. I dont like formal dinners. And really does not attend such occasions. But for sst sake. It was a date i had marked out to keep this appointment.

Maybe it was my own frame. So everything was placid. I think sst was happy that we went. In many ways, I do wish I can really regard sst as a sister. She is one of the very very very few that has more strength of character than myself, and hence understand me, and would have been able to reach out to me more than others. Her children are very fortunate to have such a mum.
Pk was there. He is supposed to look like dad. I also was supposed to look like dad. But we didnt look alike. And we had nothing to say.

It was an event...yet in some ways, it was eventless. To sk it was a duty to go. To me, i just feel alone.

===============================

xxx problems are really serious. Having pulled for nearly 9 months, one scam after another, to say i am not angry and upset would not be true. At least she has finally agreed to see professionals, and to report to authorities....

But that she had lied to me....was perhaps the most distressing...

whatever. i did all that was necessary. Had i not procrastinated, perhaps some things could have been avoided? why not say then, had she really heeded my warnings from dec, these damages wouldnt have happened? i am tired of taking the weight. How much must one do?

i dont know if she will really walk out of this tunnel... time may help... and hopefully whatever support that can be rendered.... i seriously dont know...

i only know, being a friend, means being there for her for life....
=============================

read newspaper only occasionally, and it would happen on such an occasion... read that the block next to rv put up for enbloc sale. I guess rv would have be up also, if it has not already been sold enbloc

So within another one or two years, all would be torn down....

there would be many that would say, i should have waited, see what 'loss' i had incurred. The difference is just a few months...or a year? if bil had been in spore, i am sure he would have alot more to say to me...

whatever anyone say, seriously apart from outward consideration of 'material' gain, or for outward 'welfare', honestly, i dont know if there is really anyone that had truly been concern and care for my good alone, and take the weight for me, as one that care for me for life. to be fair, sk tries. And tch tries.

I dont say it is any easier now than it had been. But at least, i no longer have the albatross of rv. And at least, now and then, i have the warmth of sk company. And at least, there is less sense of being so unsettled, and being tossed in the waves of uncertainties...

what is loss? what is gain? loss to who? gain for who?

there is alot of emotional baggage with rv. And though that had been the abodes of my life...sadly, there arent any memories that one would want to recall....

===================================
sy finally left on thursday. He asked to attend my lesson to occupy time. He left the class midway whilst they were doing work. I knew he had a lunch appointment. I asked him if he was coming back after lunch, and he said he didnt know. And he left.

At that moment, i suddenly felt that horrible pang, that, that was the final moment.

I was not prepared somehow for the moment. I couldnt bit back the lump in my throat, nor the tears that just welled out. Thankfully, the kids were preoccupied, and i could step out a few moments to gain some composure. It hit me hard at that moment.

He did return after lunch, and I finally walked him to the carpark. He said, dont make me cry. I said, I wont. So I just watched at the side, and waved him out of the carpark.

It reminded me of the last day of 2010, where i also said goodbye to dc at the carpark. It was also difficult, but i guess, i knew we could keep in touch. But sy is returning to msia.

sy is a very close colleague, and we just worked well together. From the very start, somehow we just clicked. Its not to say we didnt have disagreement or friction, but because there was mutual respect, we learn to give leeway for differences.

i hope after a break, he will find his direction....he is young, and i hope he finds happiness.

=============================

it had been difficult after crossing my birthday.... ws says age is only a number... i also know alot is in the mind.... And i know i make things difficult for myself by thinking too much....

but the fact is, time has passed. To put it bluntly, what is certain, is the end. And what does one do in between, till the end?

And even if one says, dont think so far... i also dont know what is ahead that is 'near'. Quite a few have been asking me about my 'plans'. Plans about what? Honestly, i dont know either. At the moment, I acknowledge, I am without direction. What is best? Where is the direction? I really dont know...

=============================

it is a good thing that school starts.... each teaching moment gives me the joy and meaning....

end of this year will see the end of this batch. i really like them...

actually if i was to turn the pages of my life, the greatest joy and most meaningful moments are always in school, as a student, and as a teacher....

whilst i have these moments, i will treasure them... i hope the kids will grow up happy....

2011-06-16T11:38:00.001+08:00

The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity;

but a wounded spirit, who can bear?

Pro 18:14

miscellaneous....

2011-06-11T23:15:00.004+08:00

Just received news of the birth of a boy of a colleague. Wonderful!

==============================

Met up with el and plee separately on wed and thurs. Spent practically 5-6 hours with each. Now I know there is a place call NEX that is very near to me by mrt! It is always lovely meeting them, and catching up. There arent many old friend left that i keep in touch. Tho, I have to admit it is always them checking when i can meet up. Those hours were well spent. Both have left teaching some time ago.

i look at them and am still pondering...

============================

i admit there are others that i should be seeing, but i have not. I feel bad, but i think i need time...

actually time past too fast for my liking. I have barely a week left, and already i am beginning to worry abt work. I feel guilty too easily. after all, i am on leave...

============================

i have completed that hk drama serial... and it has had alot of effect on me... a script is well written, when the writer is highly perceptive. It isnt the plot, which one can find fault if one intends to. It is the understanding of the complexities of life and character.

It is set in the background of pre jap occupation, then jap occupation, and the latter end spanned civil war, korean war, cultural revolution. sk didnt know abt the civil war nor the cultural revolution. Nor do I, but I have read 散文 on it. And it was painful for many.

These ages of darkness and turbulence were present in the world wars; in the period of religious persecutions; in the dark ages. And even present day terrorism, and repression. Do our kids learnt about all this in history or their own reading?

In such a turbulent era, there is a resignation for commoners, and non commoners. Which is worse, I dont know. Commoners have no power over life. Those with power can be trapped in it despite themselves.

Again all these seem remote in the present era, far removed. But actually it isnt. My mum was a child during the jap occupation. Migrants to singapore, poverty determined part of her fate, and in the convolution of events, her posterity. But we are commoners.

I am totally not a drama/film person at all. Most of the time, its about romance or feuds, or clapstick all of which is not to my palate. In fact when i told el and plee abt this drama, both were intrigued that i can actually be impressed by a show. Basically, i wouldnt have liked it. The setting was heavy and sad at the start. But I was drawn, and some parts replayed in my mind. I did ponder for long time. Why.

A few reasons. The warmth and comaraderie of a 'kampong' like spirt was well portrayed, a community that cared for one another despite turmoil; the development of events that led to the lead casts having a 生死之交 bond. What was remarkable was the extreme restraint in expression. Alot to say, but best left unsaid or words need not say poignancies. And the exchanges when there are, carries the weight of understanding, about baggages that one take on too much on oneself; and the consideration of what death is, and what is in one's mind when it comes. There was no wailing and futile weeping. But a quiet show of grief with dignity, when there was grief. Alot, alot of restraint.

In one scene, under much pressure, the one in turbulence asked the one from a simple background to tell her interesting stories to distract/humour her. It may sound trivial, but it isnt. I was taken aback, cos yes, it re-enacted some things in the past. I did that often many many years ago. I remember writing to someone saying, because you came from a simple background, hearing your narration of events in your life, that may seem so insignificant, it was so refreshing to me, to hear of normalcy, when all around me is far from it. The script writer is indeed very sensitive and perceptive.

Apart from the parallel of certain circumstances, of course the plot line of a drama can go to extremes. And again because the story is written by man that has control, it can be controlled to a happy ending, though it was after 30 years. Credible for china, who kept a close door policy until late 1970s. Alot, alot, alot of people suffered.

There was also a character, the sister of the lead cast who had a congenital heart problem and in the end died probably in her 20s? sk said quite sad. But I said, this girl is very lucky. She was loved by her mother, taken care and loved so much by her brother when her parents died, and married her childhood sweetheart. and so loved by everyone. She has a lovely life. I would rather die young and have such a brother. sk looked at me, and agreed. Actually the length of one's life is not the issue. Of course, people say, what a waste. I admit so would I. But is it a greater blessing to live long with pain?

One needs to be patient to see the development of the plot to understand the characters. In many ways, this is like literature analysis. Actually, i really believe everyone should do some literature. In a good literature class, you learn to live the character of the stories, and see things from different perspective. If you truly learnt, you wouldnt be too bigoted or opinionated. But of course, I meant good literature worth the study. Not trash.

I need to get out of this world, separate reel from real....

===================================

it is ironic that i like/dislike long breaks. The pace of life is far too much when term starts, and one hardly has time to think and reflect. But in breaks, there is too much time. I live in a world of silence, punctuated by t & b company. I dont mind in a way. I am used to my own company. But without the routine of school, I will need to do much better than this....

june break...C4.....friends....

2011-06-07T23:51:00.010+08:00

today is the first 'free' day as my module ended yesterday.....30% assessment completed.... one 70% assignment yet to start... i really need to be more prepared for my lessons...

hope i can get a decent 8 day break before term starts... had hoped to have a short day trip, but i guess it will not turn out... must tune out of school....

=======================================

C4 battery died on me yesterday. I couldnt believe it that the car couldnt start. I guess i shd be thankful that it was at home and not elsewhere. And it did not even hit 16 months! dc says it is a 'heng-sway' thing. Could happen anytime after 1 year. But i was not forewarned. It was my last session of the module, and there was a group assessment, so i had to leave the car till later. Wasnt sure what the problem could be then, and there was a possibility of it being towed. Cant say i was not ruffled. I was.

Managed to arrange for mechanic to come in afternoon to see the car. Was thankful that dc was around to help to see to things. Pressure of tyre was also super low, so had to drive to petrol kiosk to get it pumped, it was quite fun to learn how to....i never knew how to do it... actually i dont know very much abt cars...dc pointed out the things i should have seen to, and more or less remarked that the car was not well kept... it isnt... I have neglected many many things....

this incident reminded me of the many scraps i got into over the 2 years with volks...for a 3.5 year driving experience, i did run into quite a bit....

........... a punctured tyre, thrice breakdown, backscreen crashed by falling window and within 8 days, a car bashed into volk......

i was quite traumatised and ironically, calm. didnt want mum to know since i was not hurt....didnt tell sk as i didnt want her to worry and nag... when mum got to know later cos neighbour asked, I was nonchalant about it, so she did not know much.

the only good thing was, the other driver had the decency to take full responsibility, and did.... i heard how nasty things could have turned....

the front driver's door caved in, but it still could be driven. I forced myself to drive to school still the next day to do my duties though actually i got a few days mc as i was already spiralling down at that time... and i really didnt have the nerve to drive anymore... but i had no choice.

That was in march 2 years back at a time when things were at its brink, and tensions and conflicts were very high at work; and a very very low point. Support was not as it was now.....i only kept to 2-3 people. There was alot to handle, and i had to sent car to insurance claim first before workshop... i didnt know how i kept the front continually then, as i didnt want to be seen to cave in. I also felt all these things happened because I have come to the wrong school.

I tried to drive to the insurance claim place for them to take photo and examine car first, but by then, I couldnt face it. So I drove back to school. Desperate, I finally called ncl. I didnt know him well, but he knew alot abt cars, and there was an unspoken understanding. He saw my condition even without my saying much, and took over driving the car and guided me through all the necesary procedure. i rememberd when ncl saw the damaged volks, he said, if it was not a volks, u would have been in hospital. Continental cars are heavy and made of strong steel. That the door was so badly dented showed the force. I knew it could have been much worse.

volks was in workshop for 10 days. I was glad not to drive for that period. alot of things went wrong at that time, and i was quite shaken, but couldnt show....vl would see me to a cab after school for that period.... was really grateful to both of them then...

10 months later....volks ended, refused to move in the middle of the road.....just before the end of mum... and c4 coming in 2 days after....

behind c4's neglect is still the timing it came in... and since...some things just dont go away like that....

i really neglect c4. Not just c4. The many admin things i have neglected resulting with so many fines for many bills is really quite unbelievable. sk couldnt understand either. i just shrug it off.... People who had known me well from young, knew me for my efficiency in all admin matters. In the roles that I took on, I got to. There was no guide/training/material to read up if you are any sort of leader. You got to do it, You got to know what to do. And if you have to see to meeting all requirements of legislation in running an organisation, however small, you must be efficient. I took pride in punctiliousness and efficiency.

Now, procrastination is almost always the rule....i guess there is just no motivation and incentive.... by right, i should have done this or that... but i didnt... and in many things, still hadnt... most of the time, i get tired...i only do things that mattered to others... i know its dumb...its a learned habit that needs to be unlearned...

The practical help and advice given yesterday help give some push. i knew i need that......Really need to straighten alot of things. I know only when i myself have truly overcome, then am i in a position to help or advise others. I cant fall back on 'family'. actually from volks to c4, i never involved them. and i know i am right not to. Nephews are ok, but dont think they talk sense sometimes...

i hope to clear what is possible to clear these few days...

Remembering this period last year, it has been a long way. The path now is easier, the weight of the past less heavy, and there are less turbulence. In part, it is the warmth and kindness that have helped. As dc said, in this place, the people u meet are not just colleagues; they are friends. There is something about die-hard teachers. There is a simplicity and a genuineness. There is a difference. And a distinct one. And it warms the heart.

distraction...

2011-06-05T22:32:00.007+08:00

i was an avid reader, i read countless books and some over and over again to delve into the character and life....and that as young as 9?10? I read every book i can find in the library... i actually read wuthering heights a few times at 11, and lived and feel the character... there was no abridged version then..., and i think i understood the character, heathcliff....

i was not too keen with tv....cant say i was ever impressed with local tv sequel because of the thin story line...but hk ones, yes... i get drawn....

but for many many reasons, i laid off both reading and watching tv, from undergraduate days? for 20+ years? Yes, even reading....

yet in many ways i dont have to read fiction or watch tv drama...... as i grew up in a drama filled backdrop... and there were far more 'real' than 'reel' life than i ever wanted.....

========================

as things slowly grind to a slower pace recently, i have took on to going to sk's place to spend an hour or so in the evening now and then, and inadvertently ended up following some serial... and somehow was really 'hooked' to this hk drama sequel.... and am really angry with myself for this indulgence...

i recently found out that it was an award winning serial, with a strong and meaningful story line...and strong casts.....so well, i have good taste?

but i have to admit it is partly because of identification with some underlying themes...this ld pointed out rather perceptively.....

i suppose for myself, i have always looked for a 'hero'/'heroine' to emulate, to lead. And i also know how important it is for the one who has to make the call, to have the support especially when times are rough. And it is tragic to follow the wrong one. Quite tragic. And when there are people you care for in the trap following the wrong 'leader'... whom you had given support, it is really a dilemna....

i guess these elements were all there in the drama serial; the uncertainties of life; the upheavals; the overarching consideration by one who leads; and the comfort of having someone in the rough pathway to protect and help.... i was quite stunned that in googling, there were actually blogs set up for the drama serial, and the lead casts... people really got into the drama, analysed the character, and lived with the character....

given the affluence and superficiality of life here, sometimes these shows depict reality better... in spore, what are the issues of life? Does anyone actually think?

not that watching drama is meaningful... and i feel stupid to be 'addicted' to it... but it does show how empty many people's lives are.

In this serial, there was a reunion of bond/friendship after 30 years of separation... i dont think i have 30 years to wait... and even if i have... will there be such an ending for me?

Through this, I realised i am still the dreamer, the idealist that i ever was... sometimes, i feel i hadnt grown up at all. I also know, deeper than that, are the many past issues that remained in the vault within. A heavy vault locked within.

======================================
yesterday afternoon, i took a short nap, and dreamt of mum. This is not usual. I woke with that sinking feeling. But I should expect this. This downward turn happens usually during school break.

This also should be the last of the school break, since after the next semester, it is no longer a break, but a stretch.....and i know in my sub conscious mind, it is another tunnel...

Every sem, i have felt the pain of departure. Last sem, it was dc, and it was very hard to reconcile cos he was a rare educationist, with exceptional insights and values. He was one of the very few that had a mature perspective, but it took me a long time before I could commune at a level of depth with him. By then he was leaving, and left. I was very sad, and still is....

This sem, sy will be gone. sy was the first colleague i worked closely with, and we were always on the same page wrt students and teaching. He has his quirks, but his work is always beautifully done. And when i need support, he always knew. I am going to miss him and his comradeship at school. I guess alot of kiddos will too... he is a true teacher at heart.

ld has flown back to china. He has been a really dedicated teacher and student in the way he learnt teaching principles and values.....This sem has been very fruitful and our discussions have taken a higher level....end of the year is going to be even harder.... I will miss working with him.... and vl, who is every so patient and kind...

i am really not good at taking departures of any sort... it gets into a whirl with each recurring loss...but all these are thankfully 'positive' losses ie the enforced parting are with appreciation and comradeship...

Pain is always sharper when friendship is severed by differences/incomprehensibility....

i must however be glad that in life, more than most people, i should find so many people of such special value...especially at such a phase of my life.

i know the kiddos will also feel it as they leave the place that had been their haven for 6 years... i am glad to stay to see them graduate...then what? i am not planning... just do my duty now.

so the drama sequel merely presented the 'reeled' perspectives of the spectrum of life...which is more real? i dont know... but for now, it is a distraction to me from reality....

health...

2011-06-02T23:22:00.006+08:00

this seems the time to pause....

my heart is heavy, knowing xx health check has not been good... alot of discipline and care need to be taken to keep things in check... this is the weak link... i have not seen xx with such discipline... it would call for tremendous will power...

For the past 6 months, i had worried over yy's health, but had to appear nonchalant. No one likes nagging, however well intended. Had to watch for opportune time to drop reminders now and then. Almost 6 months later, yy finally took medication, and the risk was mitigated. It was an awful load off my mind. i felt a sense of mission accomplished. i really want to see yy well, and i was very relieved when there was improvement. Even if i never see yy again, it was worthwhile.

both xx and yy mean alot to me, each in their own way. Both are highly intelligent, and both incredibly kind, in their own nonchalant way. Both are young, one much younger; both conditions were genetically related.

Acquaintance with yy was of a much shorter duration, though in that short duration, yy had helped me overcome inner obstacles unawares. Short acquaintance usually will not endure the test of time. Now that i know yy would be fine, I need not worry anymore. i am content. I guess, i dont expect any friendship to last. Why should I, when bonds over decades can be severed without a word?

xx has been very perceptive, considerate and goes to great length to care and help. i appreciate it very much. Really a wonderful person. So i was quite sad that the result had not turned out well. Positively, it is a blessing, so precautions can be taken. But i know xx struggle to reconcile with it. Yet the concern xx has was not to upset family members. There is something really lovely about xx, and i really really hope xx will have the determination and resilience to overcome and attain to better health. i feel sad...

from young, dad would always say, health is the most important. Although i was sickly, i was rather tough and has high threshold. I did have discipline which helped to be moderate. But I did take health for granted, and never took his words to heart.

when i saw those whom i value, not just xx and yy, but others also with other health concerns, it pains, especially because they are young. I wish they knew the Lord. There is alot in life that is beyond the control of man. In the hustle and bustle of life, man need to pause and to consider....

i really really hope they all will be well....i really really wish for them...

....I really really wish for xx, for yy, and for the many that showed such care to me, that the Lord's kindness and mercies be upon them. I really really wish for them the health that they would need in their lives ahead.

2011-05-31T23:49:00.002+08:00

人在江湖，身不由己.

人不在江湖，会无忧无挂吗？

我累了。。。

精力有限，勉强支持，实现理想。

走完这阶段，我责任已尽了。

可惜现在还未走完。。。

熬过这几个月，

我真地希望能过简简单单的生活。

-----------------------------------------------

人的面目难以摸测。

是诚意，是虚假？

重要吗？

看透了，就不重要。

不当是友人，就不重要了。

有个阵子，是重要的。

现在不重要了。

稍微有些怜惜。。。但真的不重要了。

值得珍惜的，永远珍惜。

无代价的友谊，雪中送炭之友，我会珍惜。

凡事，以平常心对待，得失无巨别。

只想把任务完成，退出江湖。

累了，

真的很累了。

source of ignorance is bliss

2011-05-28T23:51:00.005+08:00

who could be so wise to come up with such a saying?

This is the ending line of Thomas Gray, Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College.

From the tone of the ode, certainly it is full of sorrow and conflicts. i think i am far happier than that depicted in the ode.

he also says its folly to be wise. Oxymoron. So if to be wise is folly, then if one is a fool, its because he is wise?

Whatever.

ignorance is bliss....

2011-05-28T22:04:00.004+08:00

whoever first come out with this saying is wise?

i dont know.....

but i know it is true, that with more knowledge is more sorrow....

knowledge requires responsibility.....

responsibility to who?

the same knowledge does not evoke in all the same sense of duty. why?

where does one stop in this sense of duty?

what is knowledge? what is wisdom? what is right? what is best?

right for who? best for who? who knows? i dont...

the more i read, the more i question....

i had thought doing an inter semester module would be a good way of using time more effectively and there would be more time to think. it merely open more pandora's box....

Is theory the underpinnings of practice? Is practice divorced from theory? Ideal and reality are two different dimensions? Is my ideal too idealistic?

ignorance is bliss.

now i know why i am happiest in the classroom. in the world of kids, though they can drive u nuts, there is childlikeness, spontaneity, unspoiltness... no facade.... no guile.... for most of them, what u see is what u get.... their world makes me happy....

i want to return to simplicity... and that will begin end of the year..

and by this time next year, i hope i would have finished this route, which perhaps i should not have embarked upon.

I look forward to returning to quietude and placidity.... even if it is lonesome.

meantime.......... meantime.... i remember my school motto: simple in virtue, stedfast in duty.

content...

2011-05-27T21:04:00.003+08:00

Roller coaster week....the lows were caused by alot of conflicts....

i should have mellowed with age; and should really learn to be less perturbed.... the battle rages within.... what is moral duty? what is social conscience? i dont know how many days there are upon the earth, and i also know nothing on earth really matters.... but i really wish that if things can be kinder, and education focus more on values and character, and kids can learn with more joy, i would be contented.

Ishare came and went. It took alot for me to prepare for this and it took alot out of me. It mattered alot to me because i really want to pass on.... so those who had expressed that it had helped them mattered alot to me.... i only hope, it would translate into value... what i can pass on, i really want to....i am really relieved this weight was over yesterday....

the 'highs' were really touches of kindness and care... had 2 nice unexpected emails. And many nice colleagues who went out of their way to try to make things special for me, in particular ld. Some didnt managed cos i wasnt well and went back early, so upset some plans; some managed to treat me earlier in the week; and i got tricked into a surprise dinner by ld, lsh, vl &co. And now i have an extra company, kitty, on my bed. :) Really this school has given me wonderful colleagues...i am touched by their extra mile, done so nonchalantly.

It was easier to pass birthday this year than last year. It was a placid affair to me. Am used to being alone by now. But nevertheless appreciate all the good wishes that had came in from the start of the month. I dont know what it would be like year by year. But I know what i have today, I am thankful and content. :)

Thoughts from the past weeks....

2011-05-22T21:42:00.003+08:00

Theoretically, I should have had more time to write. But somehow it didnt happen that way...

Quite a few things to record:

BLSS boys visit

Actually they are 21 this year. Had known them since 2005, so it has been 6 years. I look forward to every meeting with them, seeing their growth, their development, their aspirations, their disappointments...

One is going to train for pilot licence soon. Two going to NTU, one under teaching award, though both had wanted to teach. The other still finding his direction with 7 more months in NS. I am very proud of all of them, whether or not they make it to the University. We talked from 5 to 10plus... It was a very good time. Very meaningful to me.

I will always thank Mr Tharman for my return back to teaching via BLSS. Teachers who resigned in the past were often 'blacklisted'. But when he was the Minister of Education, he showed he valued teachers who had resigned, for whatever reasons. Within 6 months, 2 letters of invitation were sent to invite teacher to rejoin the service. I ignored the first. But when the second one came, and the path back was made so much easier with the adjunct teaching scheme, I ventured back. And of cos, was fortunate to meet BLSS vp then, who did everything she could to persuade me to go there, adjusting to all my terms in scheduling, and workload. That 16 months became one of the most fruitful of my teaching experience. I proved to myself that I can teach, and teach well, in a neighbourhood school. The bond was established firmly. And that gave me the confidence to return back full time.

I have to admit sometimes I feel I had contributed much more/made a deeper impact where the school is much less elite. Whatever, I have been very fortunate to have had doors opened to me, and for understanding leaders that gave me the liberty I need to fulfil dreams and ideals.

==================================

The last 2 weeks had seen quite a few significant and unexpected changes by PM Lee. Unexpected, more because I did not expect such decisive swift actions within 2 weeks. Whatever the undercurrents that had led to these moves, I respect the leadership shown.

Public service requires altruism. I am glad there is a step in that direction. I hope they will also remove kpi linked performance bonus. I detest that. I agree there must be measurable indicators of progress. But that should be because of idealism, and wanting to see the good of all. No reward should be attached. Like the previous generation of leaders of this country. And not just leaders. Teachers and medical team people. Pay everyone a decent pay for the worth of their role. And in these vocation, let the heart to serve be sufficient reward. Public sector should never adopt private sector's capitalist approach, to link to 'performance', whatever that is supposed to mean. First it detracts from true service. And second, it is an insult to true service.

I hope there will be more heart, more humanitarianism in this country. This kind of bond alone will hold out in times of crisis....

=================================

Its May. I admit it has not been my favourite month since last year. There were still mum's things that i had not completed, and this month is more or less the deadline. So I have to force myself to get some things done.

i guess that triggered off that recurring nightmare which had not come back for a few months... this time, it was draining off water from dad's lungs.... I was sucking out the water from the tube to clear it.... dreams are often inexplicably complicated...somehow subconsciously, i can be orchestrating the details how things need to be carried out and done and why.... but like all the previous nightmare of this nature, it would reach a point, where there is a turn, i cant control the events, the water turned bloody... nothing can be done... he cant be saved.

It is very distressing to wake up with that horrible impact again. It was very disturbing. For a couple of days after, I kept making wrong turns and losing my way driving to places I am not familiar.

I guess having been near rv a couple of times the past weeks also contributed to it. That pain just seared through. Sometimes i fear this calmness that had been the past 2-3 months are temporal. And the avalanche may overtake me.

I can only trust in the Lord. It is awfully lonely, and I guess my road is really not as clear as I wish it to be for the next year.

However, I do count my blessings, and they are really alot. Having come through so much, I really have alot alot to be thankful for. I am very grateful for the many that showed they care in each their own special ways. I remembered for the last 10 years, when I had these recurring nightmares, it was really bleak for a long time. Now, it eased after a few days. And compared to last year this time, I am thankful to be in a much better frame.

The mercies of the Lord endureth forever......

hope...

2011-05-11T23:10:00.003+08:00

There is something nice about getting a handwritten letter/ card. I like to look at the envelope and try to decipher who the sender is.

But since I moved, my past acquaintance would not have known. Opening letter box is meaningless to me. I did not make any arrangement for forwarding. I guess I just want to walk out of the past.

Today, I found a card post marked from overseas in my pigeon hole. The handwriting was familiar..... but could not place who...... it was an ex student from way way way back... who became a sister and a friend.

This is to say, thank you very much, for seeking me out. I will be replying. And I am most grateful, most happy to receive the letter and card.

It is unbelievable and it gave a tiny glimmer of hope... to those whose deep calleth unto deep, who had declared we are strangers and sojourners here, would there be a day that we can walk together again? I dont know. I can only wait.... and hope...i will see it before the end of my days.

Respect

2011-05-11T22:00:00.004+08:00

I had wanted to record this incident that took place 2 months ago. It came back to me today.

I went to see this person to consult her over some matters. I was not well acquainted with her, but we had a common ground in education. When we had completed our discussion and talk was casual, she related her conflicts when she left the school she taught for many, many years, and held senior post. Her reason for leaving was the opportunity to explore different aspect of education, and to get her doctorate. It was a positive reason.

Two things she said struck me.

She said she was afraid of moving higher as she has seen so many people change when they are in power. That is very true. You dont see your own change. Others see them.

She also said she was very glad that despite having left for quite a few years, five (?), her colleagues who had reported to her still asked her out occasionally even to this day, and they communicated as friend. That she found most gratifying as it is not often that subordinates can be friends with you.

I said to her, you must have won their respect when you were their head.

She replied, I like to think, it is because I have respected them.

I respected her for this statement.

Words of wisdom. Very true. One tends to respect those who are 'higher' up, for whatever reasons, be it true admiration of their qualities, or not so positive reasons. But to respect those who are 'lower' in status requires an inner upbringing, a spirit of humanity. And when that is present, it wins loyalty and friendship. She has evidently won that.

And respect begets respect. Respect is not a 'show'. Quiet consideration; consultation; sincerity.
Respect is very simple. Your heart is there, it is natural. You will ask. You will not make decisions affecting others without checking, however 'small' the matter. It is in small matters that shows how much you regard others.

Without respect, decisons made are often callous. And it cannot but lead to disaffection.

Yes, I am very disappointed and disheartened. I dont know why I should be because it is nothing new, in fact so characteristic. Yet, i had hoped it was an overlook, not deliberate. The fact is, the views of others are not sought because there was never respect in the first place.

It was a small matter, but through it, so much is seen which I wish I didnt see. And this is what makes me sad...

Myriad of events

2011-05-10T00:01:00.004+08:00

Stepped into May with alot of events....

One semester ended with the end of my exams on 5 May. No, I didnt study too hard cos there was alot of things to clear and i was distracted by the elections. Nevertheless, it was an enjoyable semester. Given that i am not cut out to be A or A+ student, I am contented that I should still get average or hopefully slightly above average grade. What is important is the meaningfulness of what is learnt, and yes, i found it very relevant, and meaningful.

Last week also saw the end of the teaching week. I am thankful I should still be seeing them for another semester. In some ways, for teaching, this is one of my best batch in terms of reception and connectedness. And they are really very sweet kids....they have made this year special...

========================================

The elections have come and gone. I am also relieved with the outcome, though I do feel very bad for the loss of Mr Chiam and Mr G Yeo. I was astounded by Tommy Koh's article today illustrating Mr Yeo's capability, and what he had done in his ministerial role. Yes, it is a true loss. A heavy price paid by the wrong person for the need of democracy.

Be it Mr Chiam, Mr Yeo, Mr Tommy Koh, PM Lee, Mr Low and many more, they are people that I truly respect, some for their heart to serve; some for their courage and conviction; some for their strength and graciousness; and our PM for his leadership. I respect his courage to apologise. Whether it is a political strategy or not, I dont want to know. I saw the political scene from independence, and this is uncommon.

This elections brought out character. It takes heat to test them out. And it also brought out that feeling of national pride, of concern for national issues, whatever the opposing views. The fact that so many view National Service with pride, and regard it as a necessity to go through it to prove ones worth as a leader is amazing to me. I remembered when NS was first mandated, and the much opposition for many years. That this is now seen as a status quo shows the establishing of a sense of belonging. It was really good to see that spirit, and proud of it too. One acquaintance, probably in his late thirties, said to me when he talked about reservist, that it is really necessary to be prepared to defend the country. I was glad to hear that.

==========================================
Alot of happenings. Alot of thoughts. Alot of things to be done. Alot of things to figure out. Alot of things still to settle. And yes, alot of worries, alot of cares....move on into May....

if only.....

2011-05-01T23:48:00.003+08:00

had not intend to follow the elections much... for many reasons....

but have been...again... for many reasons....

at this point, i must say, i am quite upset.

if only, if only, leaders listened, and listened with the heart....

why such contentions, such factions when we are all for the same nation?

if u hear the voices, there are genuine voices, from the heart; the issues are real.....

and i no longer can say, i dont know what to say, cos it now takes a different meaning. sigh!

will know the verdict, by this time next week....

Present/Next Generation

2011-04-27T16:32:00.005+08:00

Should be doing my assignment and not writing here....

just saw news at channel news asia wrt GE. I am not into politics. But I have always cared who is the government. When I was in P5, there was an election. At that time there was only black and white tv, and that was the only event that had live report. As most of the count was manual, the results were released constituency by constituency. I followed till 5am. Mum and Dad was not in Singapore then. The result was a clean sweep, and I was glad.

At that age, I followed the newspaper avidly, maybe because there was no other distractions. But most of all, I knew we need security in the nation.

That year, my father's business was wiped out by outbreak of foot and mouth disease. It was the beginning of financial hardship, together with the existing abnormalities in the family. I was far from apathetic. Survival was a real issue. My classmates were almost all well to do. That made no difference to me. I knew one has to work hard for one's livelihood. Except I didnt want to work after O levels. I wanted to study. And in Singapore, you are given the opportunity to do so, if you are determine and able. The government believed in it. And most thankfully, my parents also believed in it. I am very grateful for it because I was the only one in my family that wanted to go further. I knew I was needed to work to support the family. To work was the norm. I gave tuition to do that duty.

This generation has far too much. I get mad with kids that dont value the kind of support they are given so that they can move on in life.

Action is really better than words. We really have alot. You walk out in the night, and there are street lamps all over. There are greeneries so much taken for granted. There is safety. There is security. There isnt beggars on the streets. And opportunities abound. People dont realise so much is possible because we owe it to a generation of leaders that had foresight.

Yes, there are mistakes. I have suffered from many of them. There were policies that I detested from the start, really really detested. But weighed in the balance, I know nation building is like family building. It takes a lifetime. And people must be positive and constructive. And like it or not, there must be true capacity to serve, and real ability.

I dread it sometimes that what I have seen take a lifetime to build, I may also see the loss and ruin in my latter days. That is why I find there is such an urgency to teach. To teach the next generation to help themselves; to have values; to serve and build. I dont have the capacity to do 'great' things. But i have the capacity to do little things.

It is easy to comment on things on face value. I hate bickering of words, sometimes really senseless, infantile, almost inbecile. I hope the next 9 days will be over soon. And I hope, I really hope for a safe and secure nation. I hate it that in some ways, my 'fate' should be dependent on the millions of voters.

Yet I also know, that if it is not so, so-called 'leaders' will not listen. How often I see people put into positions of 'leading', think they 'own' what they are given to lead. Brutish, and brusque management. Mismanagement, I mean, but well disguised by results and kpi. Rare are true leaders worth the name and salt.

So voting gives people the voice needed and leaders realised they must listen.....because people gave them that mandate.... Is that the wisest system? I dont know. I only know, in my lifetime, I dont want to see the deterioration of this nation. It matters to me. National Day matters to me. This is really my country. This is my land. When I stayed up that night for the elections result as a child, I felt that. And that remains rooted within me.

And I hope, I really hope, that our future will be secured by sound and sober judgement the next few days.

To the present generation and the next to come, dont be apathetic. You need to shoulder the responsibility of nation building when you become the able man and woman that you are. And I hope among my students, will be true leader worth the salt.

Two sentiments...

2011-04-26T23:55:00.004+08:00

Had a terrific migraine today. Was abit slow with medication, so it reached a pounding state by the afternoon. Settled it with painkiller at 3 hour intervals thrice. Had not had such a bad one for some time. I guess its sleep (lack of) and tension.
==================================================
Shall write the negative sentiment first. Finally completed most tests except for the last exam, and one more assignment. I know I dont work hard enough to do well, but I guess it never feels good not to be in the A category. I tend to diverge, think of different aspects, than to focus on remembering facts. If I was not math-trained, I think it would be worse. I like reading and reading, diverging, then bring the matter to a converging point, even if it is a point of controversy...............................

But that is not what is wanted in academic studies........ So I guess hovering at the tip of B, and not quite reaching an A, is really quite disheartening. Yet the truth is, I never want an A bad enough to study or work for it.....
.....
I want that for my students though, and want that quite badly..... sigh... the contradictions of life.............................

i guess, i dont want them to be a non-achiever like me......ya, i dont feel good at all..... and that 50% essay is still hanging like an albatross..... i hope i have the stamina to last out the next 2 nights to do a fair job out of it.

=============================
Despite that pounding head, i enjoyed my teaching today. It was such a thrill to prove the compound angle formula to them , and to feel the kids (at least more than half?) following. When the last class I taught clapped at the end, I knew it is because they understood and appreciated the elegance and simplicity of the proof, I cant describe that sense of happiness............

I have proven this formula many many times, easily at least 10 batches of students, I must say despite the constrain of time, I had the most satisfaction this time round. Whilst I think the rapport with the kids help in the fluency and flow of the proof, it is really a great encouragement and consolation, to see their attentiveness and interest in following the procedure because they are really interested in learning math...............

That really made my day , and really it was a good end to the semester............I will seriously miss teaching and the specialness of this school when I leave..... I count myself very fortunate that I should have such a sense of satisfaction in teaching..... the special feeling of almost elation in the class, though momentary, is really relished..... not many has has this privilege and joy............

so despite my personal disappointment at my relatively non-ideal achievement (sigh, my trademark), the remembrance of the response of the kids more than make up for it! :D

at this moment, i remember...

2011-04-17T00:18:00.003+08:00

i never allowed myself room to remember..... But at this moment, i remember u.... And i wonder if we ever meet again, will we be total stranger? 23 years of walk reduced to deafening silence... i remembered when u fell from the roof at drh... strange remembrance. That was 30 years ago. i remembered all the help in math...to help me struggle thru each exam...thanks for studying to get me through..... i remembered the common love in teaching math; the common care for weak students..... i remembered the warmth, the childlikeness; the comradeship; the comfortableness; the spontaneity; the endurance in pain; the countless conversations in fellowship; the extreme kindness that was a balm......the many, many long walks that spanned 2 decade.... Eight years had passed. i had sealed all remembrances. Dont know why it seeped thru at this moment...a friendship i will always cherish.

Harmony

2011-04-10T20:29:00.010+08:00

The first act of honouring the self is to have the assertion of our consciousness: the choice to think, to be aware, to send the searchlight of our consciousness outward toward the world and inward toward our own being. To default on this is to default on self at the most basic level. To honour the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgments. (Brandon, 1983) ================================================================== I cannot expressed the feeling of 'harmony' to find understanding in the conflicts within from a child. My first memory of a kid, is thinking. But I was always clumsy, and always sensitive and crying. So I was scolded, caned, pinched, and have towel stuffed in my mouth when i cry. It was very often. Unbelieveble. But true. I learnt not to cry and to take punishments as stoically as I could. Things were better when i went to secondary school. Punishment was more sporadic, but it took on a different nature as alcoholism and depression set in for mum ................................................................................................................................... But I kept thinking. I couldnt stop. In primary school, I talked and talked, read and read. But I cant say anyone understood me, except a perceptive teacher, Ms Daisy Wee. I regret I never thanked her for what she did for me, much more than I realised then. I dare not find out if she is still alive. I should have, though I did send her many cards as a student. In secondary school, introversion set in. I had 2 other perceptive teachers, Ms Maureen Khoo and Ms Ong KH............ ............................................................................................................. But I was always told I was idealistic. Life is not like that. A problem child. And an underachiever. Home accounted for all the constant unheavals and instability. ============================================================= But I needed answers to my relentless questions to life. My search led to religion. Which fueled further conflicts homefront. And I searched deep. But faith was far deeper. I will not dwell on the unhappy stretch of 20 years by the way men manipulated religion. I understand why many of the kids are put off. I refrained further comments........................... But I learnt man by wisdom knew not God. In the Scriptures and in the Lord, I found my life. Literally. It would have been impossible to live on without the knowledge of the truth. I would gladly be a fool that I may receive the truth of the gospel. ================================================================== But in the course of the world, and within myself, I cant come to terms with the constant conflicts with many outward matters. I always feel the problem is me......................................... ................... As at this moment, I feel at peace. For once, i realised the problem isnt me. Nor is it the turbulence of home though it did cause alot of upheavals. The reason for the 'disharmony' with the outward causes is because I just have the capacity to think independently, to have the courage of my own perception and judgment and not conform. I finally found a kind of answer to the restlessness within. I finally can accept myself realising that I am not alone. And it need not depend on how others perceive or accept me. That is harmony.

leadership...

2011-04-09T10:49:00.003+08:00

was commenting some issues with sk yesterday. my final conclusion is, overall, if a team is weak, there is little a leader can do........ surprisingly, sk disagreed strongly. she said she has seen it at her workplace (she worked there for 30 years!). how good leaders when thrown to take charge of a 'louzy' team, could listen and motivate each to rise to his best and turn round to profit. Thats what leadership is about, she says. ...........that is what team spirit is about.... if u are a true team player, u understand that..... sk is far from being an intellect or an academic. But she has survived 8 retrenchments and is prob the longest serving staff in her organisation. Given the nature of her organisation, she has definitely seen very strong corporate leadership. This is the talk of experience. I listened. I believe her. Unfortunately, how rare are such leaders. How rare in itself are true listeners...listening with reflection....

today...

2011-04-08T21:57:00.006+08:00

"And in the end, it is not the years in your life that counts, but the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln. True. ==================================================================== I have to admit, I no longer like to live under pressure. In the past, there is a certain kind of thrill, to meet deadlines, to be stretched and go beyond what is possible. Now, I long for placidity. But that does not equate to mediocracy. I still dislike mediocre efforts. I can take weakness ie not doing as well as one should due to oversights, blindspots etc. But mediocre means cant be bothered to put in effort; slipshod. That is different. =================================================================== I also realise I will remain what I am. I was never one that is quick at grabbing opportunities, and certainly not opportunistic. Unless, the purpose is really meaningful, I would always choose to be in the shadows. I turned down an opportunity, and withdrew from another possible opportunity....................... The first I turned down within minutes without much thought; was pressed to reconsider later, but without hesitation, kept to my decision........ What is meaningless is meaningless. Vain glory. ...............The other is a creative effort on my part, that i know is original. I would have like to have shared it with a wider audience. But to pursue it would require drive, confidence, determination, and well, showmanship. The effort is not worthwhile. To me. So I withdrew also. With a tinge of sadness. But only a tinge. ===================================== ============================== I guess being unwell is a reality call. I can remember mum and dad nagging me since young about my health. But what can i do if my constitution was never strong from birth? In fact, I am already quite tough and resilient considering how sickly I was from child, plus a lifetime of headaches. I remembered how often my energy could not keep up with my ideas or what i would have wished to do. ............................................................................................................................................. Given the report of turmoil in every continent, I value the peaceability here, whatever the many irritations and vexations.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ And when things went downhill by Wed nite, I told myself, I really need to come to a halt somewhere. I was really grateful for the 2 day mc, though I was back in school today. I missed both night lessons and was sorry about it. I like learning. But I really cant keep that momentum. It was a luxury yesterday to sleep practically 7-8 hours in the day and night. I dont feel superb, but at least I feel I am picking up and can manage again............................................................................................................................... Brownee also was sick with diarrhoea and vomitting through wed nite which really didnt help at all. Migraine was too bad for me to drive her to the vet, so thankfully, using common sense remedy, the symptoms have subsided. ...........................................Yes, april is still a bad month, and I am more behind than I want to. Have not even started on a critical assignment that will determine 70% of my score for one module. I am worried, but I still want to do my duty to my kids first. I want to take care of my cats first. And people will always matter to me more than my grades. I hadnt change. I guess all my life, I will be an underachiever. In a way, I mind. But considering my priorities, I dont mind. Put in the balance, it is all lighter than vanity ==================================================================== i get to read alot of interesting articles from my course. Some of the readings are really insightful, and the depth of analysis of the many paths of a child development is quite comforting as one identifies one's own pathway. Sometimes, one can almost feel one being the subject of description. And some of these articles were written in the 1960s- 1970s. It is consoling that there had been people who really cared about the stages of internal personal developments of different individuals. I may not agree with the theories, but the keen observations of conflicts of the growth of a person's personality are really perceptive. =================================================================== And today, I was glad I went to school. It is a joy to see the kids. It is a joy to see them learn (at least I imagine they are learning). I cherish the process especially because it should come to an end by year end. I am thankful this year, I really enjoy teaching the kids. ==================================================================== PS: I am having problem with spacing with this blogger...hence the dots and hyphens to separate paragraphs! will need help to settle these techinical issues!!!!

Entering April 2011...

2011-04-03T07:46:00.009+08:00

Amount of work and frame of mind is inversely related.... as work piles, it is harder to keep positive. doesnt help when the battalion of germs seem to mount regular attack. it may be a victory to fight off an infection, but it requires quite a bit of pill-popping, alot of sleep, and energy, whilst work piles..... April is a bad month, both from work and from course. All deadlines are due. And my head is bad. The advantage of experience is one can account for the awfully low frame rationally, that it is physiologically induced; that it is a passing phase; that what goes down will come up; that one has always pulled through before. experience teaches one not to panic, face one task at one time, and systematically reduce it. but experience is also far more perceptive, and deduce that all seemingly accountable reasons merely conceal knots of inner issues that cannot be resolved. Some surfaced in dreams. Dreamt twice of mum and dad. Had another dream of a happy situation that will never be. But it was really happy whilst in the dream. Not a very good entrance into april. Except the conflict stirred in march has reached a definite conclusion. That i am finally relieved. At the moment. There are still moments to be faced to finalise the decision. Somehow, over the past weeks, i have weaved a net of estrangement. communicating but not communicating. Perhaps that was necessary to find direction. Perhaps that was necessary to insulate. Perhaps that is also necessary since things really got to change, whatever one may wish. Whatever. Must press on. April should end more positively, since i should have cleared the tons of deadlines, by no choice. Low post. Must look up. That we can still live peaceably despite the tumults of unrest worldwide is a favour and mercy not to be taken for granted. I am very disturbed by the unrest. Look up. The mercies of the Lord endureth forever.